Breaking up fights with multiple kids

[Phoenixfirehot]

Example:
3 yr old screaming bc 8 yr old won’t let him play with her, 11 yr old hitting 8 yr old because she’s upsetting 3 yr old, 8 yr old getting upset. Noise levels and emotions v high.

This doesn’t happen often but I’m failing at any effective intervention when it does and could do with some advice. Thank you.

Send them all to their rooms and tell them to calm down or there will be consequences

Perhaps some house ground rules?

• No leaving anyone out
• Remember that 3 yo sibling is only 3 and needs some help to learn how to play/ how to accept that people need space etc
• Noone hits anyone ever
• If something can't be resolved calmly between siblings then they need to come and get an adult to help resolve the situation.

I've personally found that prevention is better than cure, once emotions are running high its too late for a teaching moment.

No one should be hitting anyone. Stop that right away. Make sure they each have a way to retreat to a place of privacy, and encourage them to use it. Support them in finding better ways to express themselves.

I'd echo what a previous poster said about trying to prevent the situation if possible. Once they're all angry and upset they won't listen to reason.

Separately I would sit the older 2 down individually and at a time when they're calm. You can then have a conversation about why the fights start and discuss what you expect them to do in the future. They are old enough to be able to manage these situations without punches flying.

It should be absolutely clear to everyone, even 3 year old, that it's not acceptable to hit no matter what anyone said/did. If they can't work it out they can get you.

Thanks very much everyone. Agree prevention is best case.
Again and again and again I make it very clear that violence of any kind is absolutely unacceptable but sometimes it still dissolves into that and it’s awful when it does 🙈
Thanks again all 🙏

God I’m feeling a bit sorry for your 8 year old here! No 8 year old wants to play with a three year old. And then she gets hit for it?

The 8 year old needs somewhere she can go for some peace and quiet, where she won’t be interrupted by the toddler.

I wouldn't expect 8 year old to play with 3yo very happily. Yes, it's a great thing to encourage, perhaps ask for 3yo to be included for a certain amount of time? But not a long time. And there are probably lots of things 8yo wants to do that aren't appropriate for 3yo. My eldest would NOT want her brothers "helping" with Lego.

11 year old should not be hitting! That needs an immediate sanction. What are your normal approaches? Loss of a privilege?

Does everyone have a space to retreat to? My eldest is allowed to shut her brothers out of her room at any time and has designated times when she doesn't have to share the playroom.

I feel very sorry for the 8yr old in your example. I would be dealing very seriously with the 11yr old hitting her, there is absolutely no excuse for that. The 3 Yr old is too young to understand an 8yr old prefers not to play with them. A parent needs to take the 3yr old away to give the 8yr old some peace, and come to some agreement about when older kids are expected to play with 3yr and when they get some more 'grown up time.

do they all have their own bedrooms?