I don't like people holding my newborn for too long

[Hollyleanne]

We have recently had our first baby and I struggle to let people hold my baby girl for too long. I don't ask for her back because I feel like I'm being unreasonable, but I feel like I miss her when I haven't held her for upwards of half an hour. We're not having her christened but we've arranged a get together with our friends and family to celebrate her arrival. I'm already feeling anxious about everyone wanting to hold her all afternoon. I feel like she'll be passed from person to person and I won't be able to hold my baby. Is it normal to feel this way?

It's your baby. I never let any of mine be held this way and certainly not passed around. I said no cuddles until they've had all their jabs and then people stopped asking. I only offered cuddles with the grandparents.

I think you might need to grin and bare it for the afternoon though, either that or put her in a wrap.
All these people flaming you for wanting to be close to your baby, do you know how many farmers have been killed or injured by cows because they've gone near their new born calf? It's a totally natural instinct to want to keep your own baby to yourself and feel uneasy about it being away from you, in the animal world its the sign of a good mother!

Do people really have so little imagination they don't jump at the chance of a few child-free minutes to themselves.
You’re just an absolutely peach huh? I always feel sorry for people who can’t empathise or put themselves in others shoes. It must be a very lonely and isolated place.

It always smacks of attention seeking to me, sorry\
Something smacks of attention seeking but it’s not a mum who wants to hold her child.

Oh God yes!
A neighbour visited and brought a doll for my newborn, then proposed we swap. I felt actual rage watching her holding MY baby 😒
The only person I didn't feel like that with, was my mum!

Totally normal. I felt the same as you, but didn't say anything. I had daily visitors for a while but then insisted on spending some days with just him and my husband, in our pyjamas having as much of a restful day as you can with a newborn. Watching TV with your snuggly newborn in your arms/asleep on your chest = bliss.

Don't be afraid to take the baby back now and then. If anyone objects just joke that it's always mama's turn and take her back. Remember, you're not asking!

Try the sling at the function and tell people you just got her settled. By all means let people hold her but don't be afraid to take her back. Admit that you miss her. People would have to be real arseholes to keep a baby away from their mum after that.

Congratulations on your new baby! Such a lovely special time with your first 🥰 It was like this for me too, but I felt like it with my second. Totally reasonable for you to ask for her back if you need to, you're her mum ☺️

@Katypp what do you feel is the attention seeking part? The post or the way I feel? I don't sit "wetly by" while other people hold her, I go to the gym or do much needed house work, or anything else I need to do that day, but it doesn't change the way I feel, I just wanted to know if it's normal to feel that way. I'm sure child free moments are something that parents crave at some point, but my daughter is 12 weeks old and I'm a first time mum so at the moment I'm cherishing every moment with her. It's fine if it wasn't normal for you, I asked if other people felt that way and wanted to know if it was normal. I didn't need an unnecessarily rude response.

Completely normal and probably means you have a lovely bond.
I was exactly the same and even found that putting babies in a push chair was hard, they felt too far away from me.
I used a sling instead.

It's a hormonal thing. I found it calmed down after a few weeks, but I'd feel very shakey and stressed if I didn't hold my babies for about an hour.

At the event, put baby in a sling. A stretchy wrap is great as they're such a faff to get on and off you can just say it's too much hassle and shes fast asleep in there.

However you also don't need an excuse to hold you own baby. Just take her back it's not really a big deal

Totally understandable. I remember by mum saying to me once 'it is ok to put the baby down you know'. And she was quite an attachment parent type herself. Sling is a good idea I think.

Many congrats totally normal, I was the same with my two DS’.

Yes normal. But you really can’t have a party to welcome baby and not let friends and family hold baby. If you don’t want her held by others, don’t have the party. Enjoy the time without baby!

Totally agree with this!
Just hold your arms out. Just say: "I'll take her back now"
No need for explanations. You make the rules.

My mother in law (as lovely as she is) used to cover herself in perfume before holding my baby. It used to drive me mad as she would smell of her in return. I was so upset about this at the time but felt it was inappropriate to mention it!

I agree with this. I would just cancel the gathering. People
coming to a party for the baby will expect to see the baby and you having the baby in a sling throughout the party will be odd. Either have a party that has nothing to do with baby or wait until you are more comfortable with her around other people. Having a party to celebrate her arrival and then keeping her hidden would just be strange.

You can literally do whatever you like. People aren’t entitled to pass your baby round like a sack of potatoes because it’s an event to celebrate baby. They can look at your baby without having to pass her about. I feel the same with mine, particularly when my in-laws come to visit and they will snatch her off me as soon as they arrive in the door. I get so anxious before they come now

Totally normal. Visitors gave me so much anxiety at first because I felt I would have to hand him over even though I didn't want to and that I would seem like the unreasonable one if I didn't or if I asked for him back. It got easier as he got older but I still won't let him be passed around between lots of people even now at 9 months old. I like to have him back for a bit to check in with him that he's still happy with the situation. The idea of a big family gathering where everyone feels entitled to manhandle him and get in his face is still my idea of hell!

I felt exactly the same. I would sit watching them holding my baby, absolutely full of anxiety and afterwards I couldn’t shake the image of other people holding my baby out of my head. I think it’s a very natural response and your body’s way of ensuring that you keep your baby safe and close. I kept my babies in slings a lot and this did help.

I also posted something similar on here after my first baby was born and got quite heavily criticised. It made me feel like I was the only one who felt like this and that I was the problem. With my second baby I knew that this feeling was totally normal and I didn’t (and still don’t) feel awkward about taking him back.

Seriously, when did this become a thing? I am clearly in a minority of one here but I can honestly say I have never come across anyone in my family or friends who would not jump at the chance of offloading a clingy baby for half an hour. Really.
But on here, it seems like everyone is aghast at the idea and being told they are completely normal to feel that way.
When did this obsessive clinginess and possessiveness become normalised. In my circle it would be regarded as distinctly odd

I was like this with my babies when they were tiny. I physically ached for them after about 10 mins. I especially didn’t like them being out of my sight. It wasn’t about trust, it was more of a physical need to be close to them. I think it’s very normal.

By about 4-5 months I definitely didn’t feel that way anymore and was happy fur someone else (anyone!) to save my aching arms and back and hold them for a bit 😆

I think it might depend what your friends and family are like, I can't recall anyone holding my baby for longer than a couple minutes when she was really tiny. Or maybe I'm just quite assertive and took her back firmly without realizing it! I feel like a lot of people are content to just come and look and tell you how beautiful and pet baby's hand/foot/back etc. I love babies but would never expect to hold one! Sometimes you get to and sometimes you don't. I do think so much is hormonal, the 4th trimester for me was not confined to the 3 months after the birth. We went to a wedding when she was 5 months old and left her with my in-laws who i love dearly and trust completely and i was just wretched and sad and missed her terribly. It was extremely difficult for me to sleep, both when she was sleeping and when someone else was watching her. I can remember giving her to my mom so I could take a nap and asking her repeatedly if she was very sure she wouldn't fall asleep (it was like 10am) and then just laying in the bed completely unsettled, my compromise was to sleep on the sofa next them with my mom promising not to sleep and to watch her like a hawk. Those were very early days!

I felt exactly the same with DD, didn’t feel like that at all with my second. I assumed it was a hormonal thing.

That is completely alien to me. On the basis that I really can't be the only one who waved my baby off with a careful smile and relished baby-free time, I think we should maybe acknowledge that not all mothers feel like those on here.
Otherwise we risk guilt-tripping others into feeling they are not making the grade if they don't feel like their arm has been cut off when they are apart from their baby for 5 minutes.