Desperate - help with my 8 year old

[chillsznisnow]

Hi

Im desperate and really looking for some parenting advice because i’m totally failing.

Im 33 weeks pregnant with our third.

DD 8 nearly 9 (with ex husband)
DS1 is 3 nearly 4
DS2 is due soon!

I don’t know where to start. But in a nutshell. My daughter is entitled, loud, noisy, obnoxious and my number one pet peev- she is HECTIC AS F*CK!!!!

My husband and I are so laid back and chill and it’s one thing that i’ve always struggled with is hectic people. I’m thinking it’s hereditary because her nan is so hectic and her dad almost enables the behaviour with his mum.

Before my daughter was born her nan used to stay with me and my EX H on occasional weekends and she was SO intense and SO hectic that as soon as she left I would be asleep and be utterly drained. So this is why I think it’s a personality type of trait.

When I say hectic, i’ll try clarify. Talking over people, butting in, being loud, screaching, being rude, not listening and being bossy and also dismissing her younger brother when he talks by talking fast over him like “yea yeah whatever DS anyway bla bla bla”.
The whole house is a whirlwind and this is beyond normal childhood fun and frolics.

It became really noticeable this weekend when we met up with her cousin who is the same age. She’s so calm and laid back and polite and my daughter was loud, cheating at games and whinging because she didn’t get her own way and basically making sure the whole road could hear her. We had the same when she had a friend over yesterday. Her friend was so polite and calm mannered.
and my daughters behaviour was really apparent.

Don't get me wrong she is a nice child but this is getting too much to the point I feel like i’m going insane and I look forward to her going to her dads which sounds so harsh but it’s the ping i’m at now. It’s now starting to rub off on my son who was once a chilled happy go lucky little lad and now is copying her.

I spend a lot of 121 time with her and ensure we talk and have coffee dates etc etc so she knows how much she is loved. I took her out for breakfast yesterday and then the cinema and shopping for a couple of treats. A girls day. When we got home she said to me “why do you only do boring things with me and all the fun things with DS” She makes these comments all the time.

Coming from a sh*tty childhood where my mum beat me and fat shamed me constantly (I wasn’t even overweight) I feel like i’ve built a rod for my own back because I have parented in the exact opposite way and maybe spoilt her.

She gets sent to her room and tv taken away when she doesn’t listen or starts acting hectic. I just want the hecticness to stop, us as a family can’t cope with it much more. It’s got to the point where my ears have started to do this weird vibrating sensation because it’s so intense sometimes almost like a tinnitus. My daughter does well at school, has a group of friends and absolutely no developmental issues. She sees her father every other weekend with his mum and me and my daughter have plenty of 121 time.

Im crying as I write this. I know you can’t change a persons personality but I can’t cope with this zoo/feral like family life. It’s driving a rift between my partner and I and I find myself snapping all the time because of the intensity. I’m sad it’s rubbing off on my son and i’m so worried about our next child and the effect it’s going to have on him.

I love her dearly and don’t want to be telling her off/sending her to her room/taking things away all the time. This style of parenting/discipline is clearly not working and i’m at a loss of what to do next.

Im desperate for some advice please.

xx

I have no advice but want to say that I sympathise. Your DD Sounds similar to my 7 year old. I’m thinking of asking for an ADHD assessment because in our case it seems to fit some of what I have read about that.

It’s absolutely tiring and our son, who can be hyper at timeS like any child, but also likes his down time, really struggles with her intensity. It’s leading to quite a few arguments between the siblings and. My husband and I both get issues of being over whelmed/over stimulated.

Things I do that help us…
*Try my best to get lots of active stuff for her to do.
*Find and get her games/activities that she can focus on for some time on her own or with minimal input.
*Try to be calm myself (I don’t always achieve this) and spread my calm rather than hype up with her.
*lots of getting outside and walks.
*make myself focus on her positive points- very social and fun to be with, lots of energy and enthusiasm etx

It must be hard op. My DD is my youngest so I imagine that’s easier than balancing those needs with younger children.

Solidarity OP, my 6 year old is like this, she is also the eldest of 3. I find her the hardest to manage, though she is much better calmer etc when on her own. Not sure if that's typical of ADHD or not. She has no evidence of SpLD but I guess time will tell about her executive functioning.

I've been recommended the book 'How not to murder your ADHD kid', might be worth a try.

I work in a school for children with behavioural issues. Personally I wouldn't rush for an ADHD diagnosis. Many times this is misdiagnosed. Your daughter has experienced a lot of change with a new relationship for you a younger brother and now a new sibling on the way. Despite your best efforts she may feel insecure and her behaviour might be her response to this. At work we always try to persevere by being relentlessly positive. I understand this is hard but over disciplining them tends to escalate things and lots of positive praise often works wonders. Please don't beat yourself up, it's so tough being a parent and you have to try a few different things before you find the right strategy for your child.

If the activities you do with DS tend to be more physical, e.g. ball games, going to the playground, then maybe she is trying to tell you that she needs more of that kind of physical activity and less of the visual and auditory over-stimulation of the shops.

You may find that she needs to do a physical activity first to enable her to then do the calmer things you want. Look up heavy work sensory activities for ideas.

The girls day stuff jumped out at me. Do you do different things with ds? It’s odd that you would choose such non physical activities for your dd when she clearly would prefer something else. You say she gets lots of 121 time, but are you doing things she actually enjoys?

Thank you guys. Just such at a loss!

Does she do a lot of physical exercise and also how much sugar is in her diet?

I would increase the former and remove the latter before seeking medical help.

She sounds like my how my cousin used to be. A very lively intelligent child! She is now an adult and extremely calm and a loving mum who has been married for many years. Reward your daughter when she is calm. Tell her that you have a non shouting household. Trampolines and dancing is a good way to work off excess energy in a peaceful manner. I agree this is probably hereditary and we are all made different, so understand how hard this is for you.