To kick my baby dad out of his childs life?

[3lele]

Hi all,

Please, no judgement, it's quite hard for me as it is but I really would like some advice from fellow parents. Bit of back story

My baby's dad is very inconsistent in our daughters life. She is 10 months old and as time goes on, he's making less and less effort. These days, he doesnt even text to ask how she's doing, can't remember the last time he did tbh. We live about 2 and a half hours away but his family live in the middle of both of us, still a good hour away but we both drive and meet in the middle when he wants to see her.

My issue is, I've tried to give him the flexibility to see her whenever he wants but I didn't expect that to be as little as every 5-6 weeks. He always rushes back to his city for the weekend too. Doesn't pay anything for her but is always head-to-toe in high-end designer. Always showing off on social media his designer stuff. I've asked him for set days and the response I got was "I'm busy, I've got things to do"

I feel like absence is better than inconsistency and I would rather it be done before she is old enough to get too attached to him and then he's gone again. She already looks at him like she doesn't have a clue who he is but she usually gets excited when she sees familiar faces.

Anyone else been in a similar situation and what did you do? Thank you

Also, I've tried to talk to him about the inconsistency not being good for our LO and the response I get is "at least I'm doing something, some dads don't do anything at all"

He missed his first Father's Day.

Go to child maintenance and stop bring the one to arrange everything let him ask and arrange things

You shouldn’t kick him out of your shared child’s life, but you absolutely can put in boundaries about your time and expectations. Tell him that the promise to make her available whenever he likes isn’t working for you because it means you feel you can’t make plans in case he wants to see her. So you want a more formalized schedule. I’d suggest once a month, something like the first Saturday morning of the month or whatever ressembles how things have been working so far. If he cancels he can wait till next month. Or if you get on well with his family and it’s just for a day/afternoon then just take her to see them without him on the planned day.

A child is entitled to have a relationship with both parents so you can’t cut him out but I do understand why you’re angry. (My ex doesn’t show much interest in our children either)

I would apply for money from cms and stop meeting in the middle to meet him. Don’t start a precedent that you might have to maintain if it ever got in front of a judge (in the unlikely event he took you to court).

And if you’re in the UK, send him the info from CMS about maintenance calculations. Tell him it’s cheaper for him to organize payments himself because if he leaves it to CMS to do the admin then they charge (iirc) 25% extra on top.

Claim cms. Stop tying yourself up trying to make him be a df. You can't. Use that effort to enjoy your dd yourself. She really only needs 1 decent parent. Make it you op.

some dads don't do anything at all
yes the bar is very low for fathers.

Cms first of all.
he will lose interest soon enough. If not, maybe suggest court to have a proper plan of contact.

meanwhile, focus on building your career and giving your child everything you can.

Hi everyone, thank you for your replies

In regards to CMS, this has definitely crossed my mind, only issue is, he's self-employed, off the books and does not log his taxes. So would I have much luck?

Probably not but at least the expectation will be there. I’d skip the part about CMS charging more if you have to go through them and just hope he starts paying something. If he doesn’t, you can still put in a claim and as long as he’s declaring some income you should get something. It might be a pathetic amount though.

Then maybe also hmvc

I would do the same definitely- CMS

Then I wouldn't contact him, offer to drive or anything. Let him come to you.

He sounds worse with every post.

I have a friend with a self employed ex who pays next to nothing. She went to CMS and they seem to have an arrangement where he gets assessed each year and then it’s agreed he’ll pay my friend a tiny amount.

it really irritates him so I suppose you could apply for that reason. It’s so awful that these men can get away with paying so little.

Go to CMS and offer once a month on a day to suit you. It doesn't sound like wants or would be capable of dealing with anything more. He should be paying your DC maintenance if he has no overnights. Don't try to argue with him just let CMS deal with it.

Thank you everyone. It's very hard trying to work out what's best to do. I feel like my daughter (at the very least) deserves a dad that can't wait to see her. She's the best kid and its very hurtful that he can't even be bothered to even text once a week to ask how she's doing.

@stealthninjamum exactly love, his true colours have shown since she was born. Personally I don't understand how you can have a child and not want to support them, especially when u spend thousands on designer stuff for yourself