I can't do this.

[AnonymousJM]

Just wanted to rant.
I have twins who are soon to be 3
I went through postnatal depression when they were new borns

I currently feel like I'm in a position where I am not enjoying motherhood in the slightest. The constant whinging, fighting, screaming, tantrums, crying
All of it is constantly triggering
I find myself losing my patience and shouting a lot
I don't have any urges to interact (sit and play) etc
I just quite frankly feel like I'm in a headspace where I want to be left alone (not possible, I know)
My partner works
When he returns home
I then go to work and do a few hours

I feel depressed but I'm not in a depressive state (I'm still able to get up, do household chores and all the necessities)

I'm quite worried that I'm essentially relapsing

I've spent more time not enjoying this than actually enjoying it

I'm scared to speak to anyone in fear of judgment
However my partner knows how I feel

I start the days wanting them to end and I sometimes I feel like disappearing

I just don't feel happy
I feel like a shit mum
I feel like my kids don't deserve me
And they'd be better off

I don't see a light

I'm struggling and I would just like to know if anyone else has felt or is feeling this way

I feel so alone

Twins under 3 is unspeakably hard. You are responding perfectly reasonably to a tough situation.

My twins are 3.5, as clingy as they are I often worry we aren't bonded in the same way as my singleton. I spend so much time shouting and trying to stop everyone fighting over toys and TV and who gets to sit on me. It's so hard op,no one will judge you for struggling. Pls speak to someone

You are definitely not a shit mum because despite being at your wits end and feeling so down, you still got up today and dealt with their needs before your own. That's the definition of a good mother! Be kind to yourself and honestly this age is very hard especially with two. Try to find some humour in the impossibility of it sometimes. You won't always feel like this.

It's hard with 2 small children. Aren't they entitled to some nursery hours soon? If you contact homestart they may offer someone to look after dc to give you a break. Or find a gym with creche you can put them in. You should probably go to your GP and get some antidepressants to lift your mood.

I do think there's a light at the end of the tunnel though - they're likely to be able to play with each other more as they get older and then you can leave them to it. If you had a singleton or siblings with a big gap, they can't really play with each other so you end up being their play mate for years.