Mil

[Mummumgem]

Im probably going to get shot for this post, but I’ve thought hard about it for a few days an decided to just go for it.

firstly I would like to point out that I know by experience about the worst of mil’s, mine didn’t dislike me because of me but because I took away her son and then had the audacity to saddle him with 3 children. 35 years later she’s gone, but I’m still married to her son, and together we raised our children. It took me a few years after her death for me to realise that her thoughts, words and actions were just the results of her own insecurities and I shouldn’t have let them effect me. Now believe me she was bad, but for the sake of my DH I tolerated her, I was also brought up in the 70’s when we were taught to respect our elders which I believe also affected my response to her.

so fast forward.

I had 3 children, unfortunately for some reason they didn’t come with instructions and looking back I did make mistakes, but so did my parents and countless others in history. I love my children and even though they are now adults they are my priority in life, I keep them warm, safe, fed and loved but I also gave them freedom to grow into themselves. My parents believed in letting us make mistakes because that’s how as humans we learn, our role as parents is to make sure those mistakes aren’t too major and to help/guide to correct them.

i know have children in law, and guess what, they didn’t come with instructions either, and I now have grandchildren without instructions either, life has become a mine field.

now I would like to point out that I have grown to love my children in laws, they make my children happy, and, yes like my children they have faults, but I love them for theirselves too.

but and this is the main point of my post, if you’ve managed to read this far.

I am always always on my guard, I feel I have to watch everything I say, everything I do in case it’s miss understood. I feel that I can’t voice my opinions in case I offend, I’m on edge when I’m with my grandchildren incase I say or do something my dil’s will take offence with. In short i feel I’m not allowed to enjoy my family incase I step out of line.

I know you will all say that’s my problem, and maybe it is, maybe I’m as insecure as my mil, but I go out of my way to show my family I love them and support them maybe trying to hard. But I feel social media has a lot to do with it.

so what I’m asking is - please mums out there, please try to understand that not all mil’s are bad, and some of us are just trying to navigate this mine field of parenting most of the time waiting for it all to just blow up in our faces. If we overstep with our grandchildren, we don’t always mean to we are just trying to help, and to enjoy our new family additions.

and lastly, most of you will out live us I hope, and trust me when you are trying to negotiate this path of adult children and in-laws, you will look back and realise that maybe just maybe we were just trying to do our best .

Not being funny, but surely you should always watch what you say as you wouldn't want to offend anyone children and children in laws , friends etc 🙄 if it's in your nature to be offence you might find you do not have any family or friends. Not sure what you are getting at or your just over thinking because of your in law history.

Also one thing I have notice I am the daughter and my parents leave me too it and if I ask for their opinion they give it whereas by partner, his parents give opinions about everything almost like they don't trust him to live his own life, it's really odd.

I don’t think I have particularly strong argumentative views, I like a debate as much as the next person but I’ve always had the attitude that we can all have our own opinions and don’t always have to agree, but will stand corrected when I’m wrong. I have friends and family who have never said I cause conflict.

no I think what I’m trying to say is, that not all mil’s / parents are bad. We make mistakes that’s all, and so long as we acknowledge the fact then no harm should be done. But I feel in this day and age, one mistake and that’s it, and that’s wrong we’re only human.

What does social media have to do with it? Do you mean mumsnet? I actually don't think mother in laws even make the top 3 most hated things here. It would go; husbands, screen time, Gina ford, baby rice/porridge and then MILs.

Has something happened for you to make this post?

I think it probably is your issue. Because it seems extremely unlucky to have two uptight DILs...

People post about bad MILs on here because they need to talk about it. People are less likely to need to talk about lovely MILs they love. That doesn't mean no one thinks lovely MILs don't exist or that all MILs are awful.

The same way people post about birth trauma or abusive men on here..
No one thinks all births are that traumatic or that all men are abusive.. it's just these are things people tend to need support with

I have seen quite a few MIL threads recently and the difference is that in most of those cases MIL are trying to make the rules, undermine actual parents and they behave like they were the parents.

Think your overthinking it, usually when people fall out it's not down to one mistake it's down to a series of mistakes and that last one is the final straw. I've never known anyone just to write someone off over one small mistake or disagreement.
My OHs mum got way too involved in our parenting decisions so now I've just backed off as I couldn't even have a sensible conversation about mine and my partners daughter, it was her way or no way 🤦‍♀️ this kind of disagreement will never work towards any sort of relationship with your DILs . I am unsure if it's even repairable as I am horrified by the way she spoke to us in some kind of screeching possessed voice, that you wouldn't talk to anyone that way, it was almost spoilt brat like. Btw there were red flags on the run up too this outburst. Doesn't sound like you are like this with your DILs though.

I think the difference can often be, years ago, skills as a mother were passed down from generation to generation whereas now, everyone has technology available at their fingertips with access to modern medical and psychological studies on raising children which often supersede more archaic views.

Consequently new parents don't need the advice or opinions of their mother/MIL which can often leave that older generation feeling a bit put out.

Women will naturally trust their own mothers more as they generally have a lifetime of memories built together, their mother has wiped their tears and been their biggest cheerleader. The level of trust that a woman can have for her own mother is a completely superior relationship to that which she will have with a MIL who has appeared much later in her life, thus I think MIL's are generally the ones who appear on forums such as this one.

The MIL will often find this unfair, however her own son is also much more likely to go to his own dad for advice and have a closer relationship than the relationship he will have with his partners dad.

Yes the MIL can become a grandparent but this does not take away from the fact that her parenting advice and opinions are about another woman's child and not hers so it's a major overstep.

She has brought up her own son to become an independent man (which is something she should be proud of) but at the same time this means he will effectively separate from her and she will become extended family while his focus is on the new number 1 woman in his life and building that nuclear family together. Yes this may hurt his mother and she may push to be more involved but there is already a grown woman in that nuclear family so, often, her input is not required.

Being a grandparent is a privilege and, with the right level of respect for their daughter in law and her role (to look after her own nuclear family) many issues can be avoided.

I mean, my MIL called herself "mum" to my eight week old baby, wouldn't let me hold DD or feed her, repeatedly asked me to leave so she could spend time with my DH and DD without me. Kept talking about how much DD preferred her and didn't want to go to me.

She only did this for a short while but in the throes of postpartum hormones I was devastated by what I saw her trying to take my baby from me.

It's probably irrational, instinctive, but I'll never get over it. She still tries to pretend DD prefers her, but she's a year now and screams for me whenever MIL sees her/can make her own opinion known, so it's easier now.

Old post but I’m commenting anyways: what makes you feel you have to ‘give an advice or an opinion’ the problem with opinions is they can be taken out of context if 1. They weren’t asked for /warranted and 2. They can be foreseen as interfering. So unless your grandchildren are literally at risk of harm, your opinion is just that: a thought.
You sound like a decent person who has put a lot of thought into your own behaviours and that of your MIL. So.. if you proceed with your children -in laws calm and relaxed and not feeling as though you have to give an opinion then.. it should be all fine.
Our MIL is opinionated: she proposals it as being ‘helpful’ but tbh it’s downright controlling and interfering… I see it, my mother on the other hand doesn’t give her opinion unless directly asked- that’s a big difference in my feelings towards her and trust, I know she won’t interfere unless asked, whereas MIL will give opinions left right and sideways so I don’t trust her as I feel she doesn’t consider our wishes.. only HER opinion.