Cough/silent reflux/feel like a failure

[AOMum]

Hello,

I have an 11 week old baby. If she were to see her, you'd think she was the happiest baby ever! Lots of smiles, needs constant stinulation and the most beautiful eyes. However, I feel I am failing. I think there could be an underlying condition happening. I've gone to the doctors, spoken to health visitors, and even gone to the local walk-in for a range of things. Anxious first-time mum alert!

The reason I am worried:

• She will not nap in a moses basket in the day, she just cries. I've adapted to this by getting the help of grandparents. In 11 weeks, I've not done a single full day on my own - if I want to shower, use the toilet, brush my teeth - I need help! That makes me feel like a failure. (I should note that I have a well-behaved dog but never leave them alone in a room together, so this is part of the reason). It's got to the point where I don't try and put her down - she just naps in different people's arms.
• A cough. She has started dry coughing more than usual. She usually coughs when her position is changed, after a feed, when she has worked up into a proper crying fit or will sometimes 'choke' on my breastmilk when I breastfeed her. Sometimes though the cough will happen out of the blue. It happens multiple times a day but not hourly.
• Sometimes she brings up milk and sometimes just bubbles appear.
• She has to start the night laying on her daddy's chest for hours (my partner is awake during this time, we never sleep with her on our chest - I am anal about safe sleep). If not, as soon as she is put on her back, she grunts/strains/cries. The only way she will go down is if we get her into a deep sleep so she ends up being put in her crib at 1am. Night times are tough - some nights I get an hours rest. Some I can get up to 5 hours. Tonight is a bad night.
• her poos have always been watery and are matched with a lot of gas.

My health visitor said the coughing is due to silent reflux. But I still want to take her to the GP. And I worry that I am failing by allowing my worry for her health become too much. That I am failing as I don't know how I would do an entire day on my own. I am scared something is wrong. I also feel guilty, as I cut dairy out as I EBF but have been rubbish on this the last few weeks and maybe that's whats going on?

A bit of backstory about me - I lost my first baby, a son, at 33 weeks pregnant. I have always had health anxiety. These things combined have left me an anxious mum. I have a lot of mental health support for all of this. If it were up to me though, I'd have a doctor check her out every single day, because I don't trust my own judgement - I had no idea my son was unwell my entire pregnancy, so I have the constant question "well you thought your son was okay so how can you trust that for your daughter?". I don't know if a logical mum would get her daughter checked out in person with GP with her cough or just accept the advice of health visitor over the phone? The GP knows about her poo's, colic ect. already. I am just scared the GP is going to start questioning my ability as a mum.

Please only kind helpful comments - I am already feeling down about myself!

You sound like a wonderful mum who's being very hard on herself. Firstly, you need to st comfortable with putting her down. You'll go mad if she has to be carried all the time.

She's 11 weeks and almost out of the newborn phase. She's going to get heavier and heavier and it won't be possible for much longer.

Don't worry about getting help from her dad and grandparents. It's not a contest. The gp is aware of your concerns and I hope has said coughing, straining and grunting are totally normal and won't stop and really shouldn't be causing you to be scared.

At 11 weeks mine were too big for the Moses basket, I’d be getting her used to the cot. She’s also safer from the dog there. And get some baby gates so you can be assured they are separate.
My DH worked away, so I would never have washed or eaten if I’d not left my baby to cry sometimes. When they got into a routine I could anticipate when I could shower/cook/put a wash on etc, but I do remember putting mine in the bouncy chair while I had a quick shower/cooked and they were fine.

Oh OP. Big hugs - what you went through with your son must have been terrible.

Your DD sounds like a completely normal newborn. I’m on baby number 2. DC1 didn’t take a single nap in the cot until more like 6 months. DC2 (7 weeks) is currently asleep on me in the sling. He also cries hysterically if I try and ‘put him down’ for a nap, so all of his naps will be in the sling, the pram, the car seat or on the boob. His night sleep is also rubbish - he was pretty much awake every hour from 1am last night. We do co sleep but I wouldn’t say it’s making it hugely easier currently. He also grunts and squirms a lot on his back. Again this is normal and they do eventually grow out of it.

I think your HV was completely irresponsible to ‘diagnose’ silent reflux. That’s not her job role. If a trip to the GP would help you then you should do that. But as most of your worries seem to be around entirely normal infant sleep. Im pretty certain your GP will also tell you she is normal.

Newborns are hard, they really really are. It’s not a fun time, it’s mostly just an exhausting, stressful slog punctuated by some beautiful moments. There isn’t some magic trick you are missing. Get a sling if you don’t already have one. Get outside everyday (babies sleep much better outside). If your family are happy to carry on coming over then use them. There is no point throwing away an amazing support network just because you think you ‘should’ be coping.

It is part of the HV role to recognise signs and symptoms of reflux, so it wasn’t irresponsible of her to mention this. However, she should have given you some advice on how to manage this. Non-medical management consists of holding baby upright for feeds and after feeds for roughly 20-30 mins, raising head of the bed slightly and giving smaller feeds more often rather than large feeds. It can be difficult when BF as they want to feed for comfort as they are sore and often this can make them worse. Does she take a dummy? This can really help refluxy babies.
A trip to the GP is definitely worth a shot too as they can have a look and prescribe some infant gaviscon to try :)

My 2nd had reflux, constantly sicking up milk all day, clothes constantly wet having to be changed, couldn't lie down flat as this made him sick up more. The best sleep he had was if he fell asleep in his bouncer as he was sat up or over my shoulder. Did the putting stuff under the mattress in the moses basket so he wasn't completely flat but this didn't help at all. Was given baby gaviscon and it helped slightly but made him in agony with constipation so I stopped it. It only really stopped once he was fully weaned.

Also you are in no way a failure! I have 4 between the ages of 10 and 3 and I still have to have other people watch/help with them while I do things like shower or whatever. Honestly that's completely normal, some babies/children are like that and literally just need that constant supervision 24/7 for whatever reason.

A failure wouldn't care and just leave them and not worry about the consequences or their needs. But by getting this help you are making sure your baby is happy and content.

You are a great mum, feel proud of yourself!

I would go to the GP, there's no harm in it! My 7 week old has lots of the symptoms you describe and the GP has prescribed infant gaviscon which is helping a bit. He is also asleep in my arms right now and has been since 5am! He is rubbish at sleeping independently too!

I also haven't done a single day alone yet either and don't think I'll be ready for that for a while. Sometimes I worry that I'm failing too, but we're not! Everyone is different and it's OK if we need more support :)

You aren't a failure :)

Sorry, not sure how to reply yet, new to posting! But this -

A failure wouldn't care and just leave them and not worry about the consequences or their needs. But by getting this help you are making sure your baby is happy and content

This is exactly what my sister said to me yesterday when I texted her at 3am saying I felt like a crappy mum for forgetting my son's gaviscon and it's so true. You worrying shows that you care which is the opposite of a failure!

@DustyLee123 @2B2G @LunaBear26 @Tiredmummy101 @VivaVivaa

Sorry, I am also new to mumsnet so no idea if this is how I reply!

Thank you for all the comments - they have made me feel so much better! I went to the doctor who said she was absoutly fine but as you've all said, does appear to have silent reflux and colic (I think these are too different things?). I agreed with doctor to carry on trying to solve things without gaviscon but think lll be requesting this, this week!

It's currently 3am and I have had no sleep. I want to burst into tears - over the last week, I had 2 hours of broken sleep every night. I am starting to find that I am struggling now to sleep even when she is asleep because I am so alert to the fact she will wake up soon anyway, so whats the point? I've brought her downstairs with me (still dark) as maybe a change of scenery will help us both. My partner has also said that we can redecorate pur bedroom when she moves into her own room to help me fall in love with sleeping in my room again!

But I think in this I have decided that I need to really commit to cutting out dairy - I have cut down a lot but...cheese.

I am going to call my HV and get some advice about safe sleep

I have to give up on not wanting her to suck her thumb. We have been trying to make her use a dummy instead as my brother sucked his thumb until he was 10 and he got very self-consious about it. But she can sleep if she sucks her fist. So maybe I need to just give up for now, and battle that later.

Sorry for long reply - its 3am and I have nothing else to do! Thank you once again for all of your advice and support!

I'm so sorry what you've been through 🤍

your far from a bad mum, it's honestly completely normally
at 11 weeks your baby is also in a clingy phrase all they know is you / being cuddled enjoy it my 12 week old will only nap on me, as soon as I put her down 9/10 she's awake, to get stuff done I pop her in a baby carrier and she normally sleeps as I do housework and I try and shower when she's happy to sit in her rocker or have to do it when my dh is home.

with the reflux definitely speak to your Dr, if you can keep notes/ take videos etc to show them
never feel silly or guilty about going to a Dr's you know your baby best, if your unsure about seeing them chemists are good as well to ask.

I have an 8 week old. He's a terrible sleeper. Had really bad colic and reflux. Turned out he has a cows milk allergy. He's now on apatmil pepti (formula fed) and has been on it for 10 days. We are seeing a massive improvement. We still keep him upright during and after a feed.

You could try cutting cows milk from your diet and see if that helps with breast feeding. But be aware it can take up to 2 weeks to see an improvement in your little one.

Don't be so hard on yourself you're doing a great job. But I get how hard it is not to feel like it's your fault. You'll have bad days still, but its nothing you are doing wrong. Keep your chin up mamma. You'll get there.

I'm also downstairs with my baby, currently holding in a dummy, lent over the bassinet, hoping that active sleep will turn into deep sleep (typing one handed!). But I've been hoping for about 45 mins haha! I'm also crap at sleeping when he's in active sleep as I'm so alert to him waking and constantly feel that pit in my stomach when he makes a noise, thinking that he's awake...again! You're not alone :)

Good idea to talk to the HV to see if they have any advice :) I hope that cutting out dairy helps!

@AOMum Firstly, I am so sorry about your son. You sound like a great Mum. One of the things you can do is film your DD when she is displaying symptoms which makes it easier for the GP to see what your concerns are. Have your phone handy.

Re sleep, that is all your DD knows, sleeping on people. I bet she is absolutely adorable which is why no one wanted to put her down. She is still so little but consider how toasty warm a human body feels against her and when you transfer her to her crib how "cold" that feels in comparison. We used to hold Ds1 in a blanket and transfer him along with the blanket as that retains some heat. But she is also so little at 11 weeks.

It is also great that you have help from Grandparents. Sometimes babies just have to cry, if you are having a shower put her in a bouncer thing and shower, talk to her whilst you do it, have the bouncer close so she can hear you and see you. Remember crying is their only way to communicate. Acknowledging that we are biologically programmed to react to a baby's cry can help you, because we are meant to tend to their needs to they make that noise to say hey I am here. It is meant to sound like nails down a blackboard.

Feed your DD and then get whoever you can to take them out and get some sleep. You need sleep. If your DD is still in the house you will find it harder to do this so get your Dh or a Grandparent to take them out of the house and you sleep. Sod the housework. Babies are hard work, you are doing great, be kind to yourself.