DD and not quite bullying but…

[TheWayTheLightFalls]

Six yo DD and a situation which isn't quite bullying but which just keeps niggling.
I'm battling to frame this, so hoping a few examples will help explain.

DD is nearly six. Bright, lots of friends, doing well but very much a people-pleaser. There is one child in her class who seems to be constantly bugging her in one way or another and I don't know how to handle it proportionately or teach her how to respond.

On a school trip they went on the teacher paired them up. Lots of kids fell asleep on the bus home; DD tried to fall asleep but every time she did John tapped her on the leg to wake her. She told him to stop, he ignored her. She didn't want to tell the teacher because she worried about waking others, but was hysterical with tiredness by the time she got home and grumbled about John for the rest of the day.

At parties I have seen him go up to DD and say "That sweet/balloon/party bag is mine" even though it plainly isn't - DD's instinct is to give him whatever he's demanded and then come to me upset. If I step in and tell him that X isn't his, he bursts into tears.

Lies at school in the vein of, "Hey DD, get up, the teacher said we have to swap seats" - which the teacher then queries and he flat-out denies.

DD goes on at home about ways John has wronged her and other things that he has done, and I tell her each time that she knows now that John sometimes lies and isn't a good friend, so when he does.... you can.... - usually involving saying no, moving away or speaking to an adult. I talk to her about her actual friends so that she learns that good friends don't act the way this boy is acting, and also that silly people don't deserve so much of our headspace. Yet she'll go out of her way to, say, share with him and then come to me upset when he doesn't share back.

I expect John has some additional needs (or the mum has hinted as much to me, anyway), and he tends to talk back to the teacher and regularly sits on the lowest rung of the disciplinary chart they have. Parents don't seem brilliant at enforcing consequences from what I've seen.

I've just seen another party they are both invited to and my heart sank for a second. Without making this boy into some bogeyman I'm trying to teach DD to ignore, be assertive and seek help when she needs to. Am I missing something?

Poor DD.
Presuming you are in England is this all about things that happened last term(May well be wrong!)?
Hopefully she is moving to a new class with a new teacher this time? Things may have changed a lot over summer. Any sign of this continuing and you need to have a quiet bit firm word with the teacher explaining how much this is affecting DD.

You are doing all the right things in what you are saying. I would emphasise the point that some children struggle with following the rules just like some children struggle with maths or whatever and we need to be kind to everyone but we don’t have to put up with anything that makes us feel sad and we need to tell the teacher if that happens.

But, as an aside, that’s awful that the school still uses a publicly shaming ‘discipline chart’ where other pupils and parents can see a child’s shame at being consistently at the bottom. Many young children have additional needs and behaving to the school standard can be as hard as them as it can be for a dyslexic child to learn to read - and hopefully they don’t have a chart up showing who is the highest and lowest at reading!
Poor John, and many other DC at that school, are also being failed and shamed by school which will lead to a negative cycle of behaviour.

Stay at the party and stick up for your dd.

Can you have a discreet word with the teacher and explain your observations? Maybe she can keep an eye on it and not pair them up together.

I agree with the other posters about talking to the teacher, and perhaps asking for them not to be paired together if possible. I would also recommend this book from Usborne: 'All about Friends'. It explores good and less good friendship situations and talks about what makes a good friend. We used it from the perspective of helping DS become a better friend himself, but it would be equally helpful in teaching a child to spot bad friends and learn how to deal with them I think. Sorry if the link is massive, posting on my phone.

www.amazon.co.uk/All-About-Friends-First-Book/dp/1474968384/ref=asc_df_1474968384/?tag=googshopuk-21&linkCode=df0&hvadid=427914424681&hvpos=&hvnetw=g&hvrand=7321951088335440738&hvpone=&hvptwo=&hvqmt=&hvdev=m&hvdvcmdl=&hvlocint=&hvlocphy=1007151&hvtargid=pla-906156514268&psc=1&th=1&psc=1&tag=&ref=&adgrpid=103526072830&hvpone=&hvptwo=&hvadid=427914424681&hvpos=&hvnetw=g&hvrand=7321951088335440738&hvqmt=&hvdev=m&hvdvcmdl=&hvlocint=&hvlocphy=1007151&hvtargid=pla-906156514268

Pull him up on it every single time it happens, show DD that you have got her back and you won’t let her be treated like that. So what if he cries?!

Thanks all. @Whu I agree, I don’t love the discipline chart. It’s not that visible but some kids clearly take it to heart. Though on the few occasions DD has come home and told me that John (or whoever else) is on the bottom rung again I tell her that that’s between John, the teacher and his parents - I don’t want her to feel like I’m waiting for the next example of John being badly behaved. Though as I said when I know they will be near one another I do have to stop and remind myself that I’m talking about a five year old.

I would talk to the teacher and explain that there’s a history of disagreements. I’d ask for them not to be paired up or sit next to each other. This might not always be possible but if the teacher is aware of it then they will start to look out for it now.

Remind dd that if she’s asked to swap seats then check with the teacher first. Help her to understand that she won’t get into trouble for asking or checking anything. A teacher would usually ask the children to swap seats by addressing each child and saying their name.

When at parties if dd is unsure then ask her to check with you or another adult. If a child comes up and asks for the party bag then remind her to go to an adult and check if it’s hers or not.

Your dd is young and likes to people please but you can help her by reading social stories to learn to stand up for herself in polite ways. It will also teach her about positive and negative friendships.

I do think it’s wrong the school to still use such a public behaviour chart, most schools I know of have removed these. I’d suggest encouraging dd to only focus on her name and where she is and not too much on the other children.

Agree with this. Your job is to protect your daughter from this behaviour, it’s not your problem how the boy reacts to being told to stop.

is your dd a people pleaser at home too? It might be worth thinking about this in a wider context. Have a chat with her. Is she overly concerned with being ‘good’ in other aspects of life. This is a good time to reflect on the wider messages she is receiving.

She's very compliant @thecatinthetwat . She's not a total robot but I'd say the idea of being good is probably something she's quite wedded to, yes. Precocious, helpful with younger siblings, does chores without too much of a battle. Do you mean, try to get her away from this as something desirable, and focus more on other things?

The adults involved need to be alert to this and if you see it happening, you need to intervene. You don't need to be unpleasant about it - for instance, if he tries to take her things, say "No John, that one is DD's. Yours must be somewhere else. Shall we ask your mum to help you find it?"

If John bursts into tears, that's ok, young children get upset sometimes. Lead him sympathetically to his mum and leave her to deal with him. They're very little and he might need help/comfort too, but that doesn't mean allowing him to ride roughshod over your DD. Hopefully if your DD sees people sticking up for her and dealing with things firmly, she'll learn to do this herself.

Ask the teacher not to pair her with him. Call him out on poor behaviour, gently but firmly. It's OK if he bursts into tears, Children don't have to be kept artificially happy all the time. He can be sad he got caught and told off. It won't harm him at all!

I feel bad for your DD but this is a life skill she needs to learn, although I admit ideally not this early. That there are people in the world that we have to deal with even if we don't want to, and they may be annoying for reasons you don't know about (eg additional needs, troubled home life, whatever), and your job is to look after yourself in that situation. Sounds like you are teaching her techniques which is great. Eh she does NOT need to give away her party bag even if he's going to cry.

If she's being specifically targeted by this boy I agree speak to the teacher to see if she can keep them apart (are you in the U.K. with the school year about to start - can they be seated away from each other?). But watch him at parties etc - he may be like this with everyone.

I'd work on this with her in terms of setting boundaries. Let her know that it's ok to have things that she doesn't share (she can give them to you for safekeeping if she wants), even if it makes other people sad. And it's ok to speak up and ask for help if she's worried/upset about things.

I don't think it's just her, or that he's especially targeting her - I've seen the same from him with other kids. But I am trying to have DD learn to stand up for herself so that he (and anyone else!) doesn't see her as a soft touch.

I would focus on teaching your DD to be more resilient and assertive. You and her wont be able to change Johns behaviour. And there will always be a John wherever she goes pretty much. Use him to practise her boundaries and just keep teaching her to stand up for herself, ignore him or get help from an adult if he bothers her.
I have a DD like yours and its hard. I also have a John at home though 🙈 Since i started using his bad behaviour to teach DD better boundaries i think shes really gotten much better at standing up for herself at school.
(We are working on our Johns behaviour too of course but sometimes its a real 1 step forward 2 steps back struggle 😩)