How to cultivate relationship between DH and DD?

[emeralue]

DD point blank refuses DH over I under any circumstance. Now she's 15 months, putting up resistance to this leads to hysterical meltdowns (which DH cannot comfort her from). DH also has less patience for DD's "negative" emotions which further compounds the problem. We're in a vicious cycle - she doesn't want him, he feels rejected and pushed out, he has less tolerance of her, which probably contributes further, etc etc.

DH and DD have always spent blocks of time together as I am self employed so have needed afternoons throughout her life to do work, but this hasn't helped... at all. I don't know how to/to suggest they cultivate their relationship as it puts a lot of pressure on the dynamic for several reasons and has somewhat impacted mine and DH's relationship.

Any ideas?

Put bluntly OP he needs to grow up! You get out what you put in with babies and their relationship won't develop if he huffs off 'feeling rejected' every time DD expresses a negative emotion. He sounds very immature so I'm not sure what you can actually do about it though, he basically needs to have a word with himself and realise he is the adult and should be able to put his feelings aside and just keep trying with her instead of going off in a sulk.

Time. Including doing the tough stuff like dealing with meltdowns. A relationship develops, it isn't something you do to someone.

I say this knowing it can be hard. My DH has a good telationshio with our eldest, but has always found our twins hard so he's avoided spending time with them. They are nearly 3!!!!!

@HerAvatar I have felt the same way for a long time, but DH has dealt with a very difficult start to parenthood for multiple reasons including dealing with me at times and he is emotionally burned out. He's held it together in the face of adversity for a number of people and he's got very little in his cup left to give as a result. I completely agree that irrespective, it is still his responsibility as the adult to deal with his own issues and (try to) not let his emotions impact on their relationship, but I also realise that that can be easier said than done.

Your update changes things a bit, I think. Yes, he's still the adult and ultimately needs to manage his own emotions and reactions – but no one can pour from an empty cup. Does he know his cup is near-empty and that it's affecting his relationships? What most helps him recharge, and between you can you make sure he gets a bit of time to do this? (And the same for you, although I recognise that sometimes as a couple you need to prioritise the one in most urgent need in the short term.)

Where is he in terms of understanding that he's struggling to respond calmly to her and is taking her rejection too personally (painful though it is!)? Helping someone who knows there's a problem but is struggling to see how to improve things is very different from trying to help someone who doesn't see the issue.

@skkyelark He knows, he just refuses help (says he's got this far by himself so doesn't need anyone's help) and isn't ready/doesn't want to do anything about it.

I agree with the person who said time.

15 months will grow older and there will be less tantrums. Hopefully your DH can then play more with DD.

I do remember my nephew was like this with the extended family. But with time, maturity and patients we are more close now. Everyone loves him, he is now 8 years old.

Hmm, well, knowing there's a problem is the first step – although the doing something about it is rather important as well.

In terms of helping him recharge, are you both getting at least a little bit of 'you time' to do sport or see friends or read a book or whatever? If not really/not regularly, would he have a problem accepting a bit of time for that (assuming you're in a position to offer it)? You can just frame it as 'because you like doing that and you haven't had much chance to lately'. I'd also look at the basics of sleep, fresh air/natural daylight, exercise, food, seeing friends/family – we virtually all do better with healthy amounts of those in our lives, and again it can be framed as nice things to do as a family, or trying to get back to those things a bit after what sounds like a very rough year or so.

In terms of the more direct parenting side of it, you could try discussing approaches to handling DD's upset or her preference for you (e.g., should we alternate who does bedtime, or should we do it together and gradually fade mum out as she gets more used to dad doing it?; do you think distracting her or giving her choices works better?). If it's a discussion and he's had an active part in deciding what approach to try, it might not feel like 'accepting help'? Or this might not work at all...