Son has nobody to play with

[MrsSnape]

My 9 year old son is quite different to the other kids at school, he's obsessed with rock music and likes the write his "book" etc but ALL the other kids play football on a playtime and dinner time.

When DS got sick of having nobody to play with he began playing football too for a while but deep down he hates it, he's frightened to death of getting hurt for a start, he's dyspraxic so no good at sports and often got shouted at and pushed around by the other boys for ruining the game.

Eventually he stopped pretending that he liked football and stopped playing. Now however he has nobody to play with again and I found out from another child that DS started shouting in the middle of the playground that nobody cares about him and nobody likes him.

He can be a bit of a drama queen but I tried to explain that shouting in the middle of the playground will only get him teased/bullied.

He said he's sick of having nobody to play with (even his best friend plays football) but he doesn't want to start playing football again.

How do/can I deal with this? as far as I can see he has 2 options...either play by himself or join in with the football.

I've told him I'm proud that he's not a sheep and doesn't follow the others with the football just because its "expected of boys" and that I'm glad he's different. He's pleased with that but even so it makes me sad to think of him sat by himself at playtimes.

Do I get involved at all or leave it?

Does your ds' school have a quiet area or a friendship bench?

Have you spoken to his teacher about it?

Snap Kerry! I was just going to ask about lunchtime clubs and chess in particular.

Actually think Kms chess idea is a good one. Does his school run lunch time clubs? Ds, not particularly sporty, used to run his own art club during the lunch break.

No they don't have anything like that. Even something like a computer club or writing club would be perfect for him...just to get him doing something so he doesn't have to brood about sitting on his own.

I have spoken to his teacher but she's a bit useless to be honestm she smiles and says "I cant understand why he's on his own so much because he's lovely" but as we all know, being "lovely" doesnt get you anything these days.

In a way its kind of his own fault too, I mean he likes a group of friends to get together to act out his book and sometimes they willingly do this for a while but he gets bossy with them and if they dare to go off and do something else he goes in a strop.

I even heard that he had dragged his best friend across the ground last week because he didn't want to act out his book and wanted to play football instead. (I'm keeping my eye on it, I won't have a kid of mine bullying).

Oh he would love a chess club he's unbeaten in our house at the moment lol

I might mention it to the school actually yeah...I'm on good terms with 2 of the parent governers so I'll see what they think too.

Could he start and run his own club. Ds's middle school (and actually his Upper) actively encourage them to run their own clubs.

Our junior school has a selection of clubs at lunchtime. It also has a selection of toys in the playground, from a giant connect 4 set, to a giant chessboard and chess pieces as well as stilts, balancing boards etc. In addition there are Y6 playground monitors who ensure everyone is involved in something.

For those chidren who really cannot cope with the playground there are library lunctime passes. My ds does not like playing football, and when he cannot settle at anything or did not get into one of the lunchtime clubs he will ask for a library pass and settle in one of the comfy chairs with a book.

If your school does not have all these options, see if you can be instrumental in getting some of them implemented.

I would definitely speak to the school to see if sorting lunchtime clubs are a possibility as the others said.

Given that he has dyspraxia I think you really do have to get involved . In my opinion helping with the social aspects of dyspraxia are as important as dealing with the physical side. I've been pretty lucky with DD's school on this front generally but we have had similar sorts of issues with her as you are having with DS (DD is the same age )

Mrs Snape, your boy is a bit of a male version of my DD2! She too likes to get people to act out her plays, and sound similar to him in many ways. She had a bad phase last year when in y4 of saying no one plays with her. I went to speak to the deputy head, cos I felt the class teacher just didn't "get" it. She came up with a few good ideas - one in particular was to single out a few of the more mature girls in her year, and get them doing activities with DD2 at break times. If just helped to break the cycle of there being a child who doesn't join in.
This year, y5, is proving much better. DD2 has a (changing) group of friends and she joins in with chess and writing club. And she just has more confidence that she can make friendson her own.
I hope you can find ways to help your boy, he sounds lovely. What are your views on arranged marriages??

awww theheadgirl, thanks sounds like a match made in heaven! LOL

There is no PC way to say this so I'll just be "blunt" but our school is a rough one which serves mainly 2 rough council estates. Therefore the majority of the kids are "hardened" and sometimes very aggressive. The other day I was walking behind a year 5 boy (so aged 10 or so) who was talking about how he wanted to "screw" one of the girls in his class. His friends all started saying "yeah I'd do her too" ... DS is only a year younger and he wouldn't have a clue what they were on about.

I think this is maybe why the school doesn't do chess, writing clubs etc because to be fair, there would be very little call for it in our school. DS and the kids like him are in such a minority that the school doesn't seem to think its worth bothering. It makes me cross really.

I just hope he finds more kids on his wavelength at secondary school.

I would still suggest it to those governors, they are going to be looking at ways to make the school more attractive, surely. You could put it to them that it would in fact, look good for them to consider something like that.

can you move him out of that school?
my kids were in a rough school til very recently and they were fine. I recently moved them to a posh one, where there is chess, french, spanish, etc, and they both love it and have loads more mates. And so do I!
I used to want to support my local school, then I realised that that was not something worth sacrificing my kids maximum happiness for. U know he is in year 4, but I still don't think that is too old to change schools if you can find a good one.
And he could still keep in touch with the friends he has at the moment, just not have to worry about the football v lonelyness dilemma.

My ds is similar and I think you should get involved. You can't make friends for him but he needs your support as having no friends was destroying my ds's confidence. It is a constant worry for us but if your son knows you support him, which it seems like he does, he will get through it. I too, have talked to my ds that as he ages, groups separate and he will find a group, particularly if your ds goes onto uni, where there is a group for everyvone no matter how different. No much consolation now I know. I talked to my ds's teachers and they said it was because he was so much more intelligent than the other kids that he found them boring as a reason he had no friends. Nice, but doesn't help my ds much when he spends every recess alone. He has learned to like a sport, he doesn't actually play it as he is no good at sports, but learned the stats, players etc. and does the play by play as he friends play the game. He has connected with 1 boy who is quiet like him. I wish you luck, just keep building him up and assuring him he is fine and it is wrong for the others to exclude him.