10-year-old refusing to go out & do things - any ideas?

[ILiketoMarmiteMarmite]

My 10 yo ds who's a lovely lovely boy just hates doing things, including going to footaball, going to the library, going for walks with the dog. Except when he's actually DOING the things he loves them. It's the getting ready & leaving the house that he can't bear. Leaving the house seems to be the main thing. He just wants to stay in and read comics with the dog or play his DS. He never used to be so indoorsy.

Oh a bit confused, perhaps not explained well. Any ideas or anyone have a similar thing?

He sounds like me!! I sometimes find it hard to get motivated, but enjoy doing things once I'm actually there!! I find having a set time for things makes it more doable eg on Monday we go to gymnastics. If he knows when to expect it, it might be easier for him to tear himself away from something he is involved with?

I have an 8yo ds who is the same, only his alternative preferred activity is computer games. Even when we limit his time on computer, it's still pulling teeth to get him out anywhere else. Like today the rest of us wanted to go for a walk in the woods, but DS is refusenik, so 4 have gone out, & I have to stay at home with DS.

Friends disapprove, saying 'You should make him go out', but I feel like it's stress enough to get him to school and back, I don't have it in me to make him go out for walks or extra-curicular activities. Especially since he's a misery guts if we really make him go when he doesn't want to.

Then he sometimes complains he's bored at home (although actually, he always find something else to do here pretty easily).
e? This is the same child who used to tantrum about coming home as a toddler, he hated being at home then!

So no advice, but somewhat reassuring to hear others in same boat. He's cuddling up on sofa with me as we speak... oh, and saying could he get on computer for a typing tutorial, maybe? Cheeky. Feels like a scenario out of Guardian column "Living with Teenagers".

He sounds exactly like my 10 year old DS who has yet to leave the house today.
When we do get him out for perhaps a walk we have huge sulks to start with and then he settles down and enjoys himself. It does cause a lot of stress so i do sympathise.
Sometimes it is a case of finding the right hobby. My DS started sailing with his Dad a couple of years ago and is mad about it now. Trouble is it is too cold at the mo.
I think part of the trouble is that by the age of 10 at school they are expected to fit so much into a day they just need to veg out a bit at the weekend. Who doesn't?
My DS has just had a computer for his bike so hoping this might encourage him to clock up some miles and get active.
Also my Ds is much better in the summer - maybe he suffers from SAD.

Oh I have one of these. Shes ok when shes actually OUT though. The whinging before drains me. Really drains me. Because I know she will love it when shes out.

The key with my dd, aged 9, is to get her out of the house, on any pretext, before 10am; otherwise she digs in and is impossible to move. It is a right pain, though. And the 'I'm bored' thing is a complete pain from a refusenik, isn't it?

Gosh how comforting to hear others say they have the same issue! I feel I am surrounded by brisk children planning bracing walks up mountains with their parents! OHT, I feel the same reluctance to force him to do activities when his school routine is fairly gruelling as it is. I DO sympathise with the vegging out thing, I mean I used to love long afternoons in front of a Doris Day film with a packet of digestives and some scalding tea to dip them into. These days I want to get out and about and breathe and walk the dogs - and it's also a chance for me to get a bit of exercise!

redwino, I was wondering would things improve in the summer, and hoping so. He seems to love football so I thought he'd love the chance to play once a week. But when he was picked for the team he said if the match was on a Sunday he didn't want to play in it!

charliecat your description is exactly my child and you've said it more succinctly.

I'm not sure what to do with him. I feel like such a nag. We had a huge fight this morning about it.

My ds 9 is the same too. It is so draining with all the arguments. The weather is great where we live with beautiful beaches and he still says "I dont want to go to another dumb beach its boring"

Mine says "please let me stay in I just want to stay in my pyjamas today and be at home".

I end up bribing him to go the supermarket and having arguments about going to football and just getting angry, which casts a cloud over the whole day.

Mine too, he's 10 and I have a 12 yo who loves being at home too.

Luckily mine are ok about me walking out for 10 mins to post a letter/talk to any friend I meet on my way. They know they are home alone and are not to eat while I'm out, or fight!

I ensure that errands to do shopping include something they are desperate for, and if I can I make sure I make a stop at the library too, even if they sit in the car while I grab a stack of books.

I did say recently "this is not negotiable" when friend arrived with her dog and we both joined her for a walk. DS age 10 did enjoy himself and climbed a tree as well as playing with the dog.

I'll just add that mine are very happy to do spontaneous things like jumping into the car to chase an amazing deep red sunset with the camera.

It was foggy one night so we walked down to the road with our cat and watched him head off into the whiteness. That was so lovely.

Maybe children have sensors which alert them to 'mummy thinks this will ensure she feels like a conventionally successful parent' and automatically reject any suggestion.

My ds is exactly like that! Very reassuring thread!

Perhaps good idea is to send them out on their own? Then they go.

My ds1 (10) does moaning and eye-rolling at my SUPERB suggestions and doesn't want to go.

But if i say 'do you want to go on your own and xyz' he is out the door like a shot.

Mine 'discovered' playing out and walking to the shops reciently. Fantastic idea!

milou2 - I am not remotely concerned about feeling like a "conventionally successful parent" and the idea that my son would pick up such a vibe from me and that would make him resistant to coming with me to walk our two dogs on a Sunday morning is, while of course interesting of itself, and one that regularly features on MN, not applicable to this situation.

I don't think of myself in terms of being a successful parent or not, but in terms of whether my son is happy and interested in his life, and in terms of whether our relationship is rewarding and happy.

Oh God sorry, did that sound really irritable, probably because I just am today.

No offence there milou.

Mine is always happy to do those spontaneous sunset chases as well, they're always fun.

See milou mine is the same - hates the idea of the walk but has great fun when on it. Loves the dogs deeply, loves going ahead to explore, loves woods, loves climbing trees. But when at home doesn't think himself into that point.

Repetitive - sorry. Starting to bore myself now!

It's great to know there are lots of other children like this.
Just before it got dark my DS was persuaded (eventually) to go out with his dad to try out the new bike computer. Went very reluctantly and full of excuses but came back full of how far he had cycled and how fast he went.
So one small success there to build on

I negotiate by splitting the day, ie. you can go on your ps til 12, then we're going out, I have things I want/need to do, so we're going. Again, fine when he's out, he just loves being at home. Don't forget, at this age, they have a lot on at school/after school etc, so they actually really need this time to wind down, it's important, it's just hard trying to get the balance right, as you think everyone else is tally ho and off they go. They're not, we just think they are. Thanks for the thread, you are not alone.

It's so heartenting to see others with the same experience. Re. going out alone, this is a definite winner, by the way - it's not always practical, of course, but he LOVES it.

And mumof2fabkids I know it's an easy assumption to make that other people's children are up at 6 warming the wellies and spreading out the ordnance survey maps. Hooray, now I know they're not!

Another stick in the mud here in germany! Mine is 9 years old and would quite happily spend a whole week in pyjamas and only come out of his room to eat! He reads alot -still think he should be more dynamic but atleast it is good to know he's not the only one.

ILiketoMarmiteMarmite - I should have put in "my" children in that little bit about sensors and sucessful parent, sorry. That's how I feel sometimes

My 12 yo whizzed off recently, on his own, when 2 friends called during half term and wanted to head off to the woods nearby. If I'd suggested it he would have spent another day at his computer!

Making the relationship rewarding and happy is just the wording I have been looking for, thanks.

I do find taking skipping rope/scooter/skates eases the whinging actually...if its doable.
Sometime dd1 will whinge when theres another 4-5 kids going off playing and having fun and shes standing next to me saying IM BORED.
It really GETS to me.
And so I say, look we ARE out. I am NOT going home any earlier because you are whinging. In fact I will stay out longer. X y and Z are having fun, you are choosing to stand next to me moaning. This isnt my problem and you are not going to make it mine.

Vodka at 11 in the morning?!

I forced mine out yesterday and in the end they had a bit of fun and ran about abit which was the main goal of the trip out. I managed to convince ds by betting he couldn't kick a stone right round the block and he fell for it and it's a very big block in Berlin!

virtual vodka, well today anyway Im going to put the scooters in the car and bash my ankles all the way to school with them today