How to manage toddler aggression

[Louisec128]

Just wondering what other parents do to help your toddlers (ours is 3.5 but pretty advanced) calm down when having a meltdown/tantrum. He can get extremely angry and screams on the top of his voice and will sometimes hit both me and my husband. We have to remove ourselves, or him, from whichever room he's in or he just continues to scream and hit, no matter how calm or gentle we respond to him. Especially as we have a 6 month old that we want to ensure isn't harmed in the process. My husband will take him to his bedroom until he calms down, and when he's calm (he'll even say "im ready now") will bring him back downstairs, but I don't like how this is working because he gets extremely upset in the meantime, so I don't think it's effective. However, when my husband asks how he'd prefer for his behaviour to be managed, I can't seem to answer because I don't know what would work/is appropriate. As soon as my husband gives him a warning, e.g. "if you hit/shout again you're going to your room", he ramps up because he panics, and this I don't like. Until we think of a better way of dealing with these meltdowns I have asked my husband to stop taking him to his room as I don't want his rol to become a place of negativity, but asked that he takes him to any room. Another suggestion I put across is that I (and baby) leave the house until he calms, rather than removing him. How do you all cope with terrible tantrums? Reward charts do not work, he doesn't even like being praised for his good behaviour...

Big Little Feelings is a valuable resource on IG. Have a browse. Their tactics seem to work in my house. And their explanations of basic child emotional development has helped me understand.

You (especially you and baby) leaving the house if he’s angry sounds like a terrible solution. “If you get angry, mummy is going to leave you.” Reassure him that everyone gets angry, it’s ok to get angry, but it’s not ok to hit. Your husband sitting him with while he calms down sounds like it’s working just fine? You can’t stop him actually getting angry. (Unless you think someone might be doing something to make him angry? And it’s something that can be changed or stopped. Is he having feelings of resentment against the baby?)

I agree with your husband's approach - it seems completely appropriate to me (although no problem to change it to a different room if you prefer that). The reason it hasn't worked yet is because there's no magic solution that will stop this sort of behaviour immediately, but eventually it will work as your DS gets a bit older and is better able to regulate his emotions.

He's actually a bit obsessed with the baby, and we have to continue to tell him "ok that's enough now" because he gets too much into his face and gets too handsy, so we're having to say "gentle" all the time. But, when he is angry/sad he will say "I don't want X anymore" (X being baby), but tbf he will also say he doesn't want the dog/me/dad anymore, so it's not exclusively the baby. I do think the tantrums have ramped up since the baby's arrival though, been a big adjustment to his world, understandably. I guess I just struggle hearing him screaming and crying in his room until he calms, because it can take up to 30 mins, which is why I'm questioning whether it's working.

Removing him is the right thing to do, but your DH (or you, whoever is dealing with it) needs to stay with him. He needs time out to calm down, but not to be abandoned everytime he is upset/struggling with his emotions.

It also needs to be approached as a technique to help him feel better and not a punishment. So not 'right you're going to your room' but 'ok DS I can see.youre really struggling now, you and me are going to go and chill out in your room/the living room etc.' and then take him. Stay with him, but passive and calm. Some children will like to be held or have their back strokes, others need you to just sit passively away from them (so you're there but not interfering).

Reward charts only work for behaviour that DC are in control of, so won't work for tantrums.

Ahh ok. Seems we're doing the right thing then as we, especially husband, are always calm, and he's never left alone in his room. He'll sometimes say that he wants to be alone, so we'll wait by his door until he says "i want you".

The other thing to do is to work on better and more appropriate ways of dealing with big feelings, but you need to do this when he's calm and receptive not during or immediately after a tantrum.

Talk to him about how he feels when he's getting angry or frustrated and what he can do when that feeling creeps up. Teach him about counting to ten, taking deep breaths, getting some space, thinking about his favourite thing, asking for some help/a cuddle. You can role play this with teddies/small world toys.

You can make him a calm down jar/bottle. Maybe make him a quiet place like a little den or tent that can have cushions and fairy lights in that he can go/be taken to when a tantrum is coming/hits.

I'd also say remove asap. Don't do the 'if you do this again' threat. If you see he can't cope, move quickly to get ahead of it.

@NuffSaidSam we have been doing the breathing thing and counting to 10 for quite some time, but have only seen it happen in practice once, but I guess he's still young and it's hard in the moment isn't it. I'd be hesitant with the jar incase he breaks it in his temper, but the den is a good idea. I have seen him walk around recently and punch cushions so he's starting to put some stuff into practice actually.

My little one has always struggled with emotions and how tantrums just take over. When she was 3 I would just leave her to it, as she would never hit us. I would just sit nearby and say if you need a hug or to talk I am here waiting. But as she's got older I still do the same and it seems to work but daddy is more involved these days and it just escalates it to a shouting match between them 🙄.
So I've been doing some research with my partner as I've pointed out it isn't working. And now we go down to her level and put a hand on her shoulder and looking into her eyes and ask her what is wrong and sometimes she can actually tell us before it escalates. Sometimes when she is struggling she will ask to do the breathing thing on my Apple Watch. Also been reading books like furgal is fuming and colour monster and discussing them at bed times. Good luck xx

If she's really bad yes I take her out if the room or take her outside in the garden. It's hard!

I think it's better for him to be taken to another room than for you and baby to leave.

You might want to look up some self regulation strategies for 3 year olds - practice these when he's calm and then he'll be more able to access them when he's starting to lose control. Things like the breathing icons from conscious discipline are fantastic and appeal to children, there's one where you pretend to blow up and deflate a balloon, one where you pretend to be a bath filling up with water etc. Look for them on YouTube and then search for the icons to print out.

But you must must must practice it outside of the moment. You can't just start telling him ok breathe, let's do the balloon etc when he's already losing control. He won't have any clue what you're talking about then. You have to do the exercises a lot as part of your everyday routine and then it just becomes a fun thing, like a nursery rhyme with actions.