Still spoon feeding almost 4 year old

[Moniq123]

Hi all,

I know I'm going to get judged HARD for this but please be kind if you can. My DS turns 4 in November and I still spoonfeed all his meals (mainly lunch and dinner). He eats breakfast fine as it's just a sandwich but if something requires cutlery I'll feed him myself. He just won't eat anything "nutritious" by himself. Snacks, etc. he's fine with but he's lazy when it comes to feeding himself.
Nursery have also said he doesn't eat well unless it's finger foods. He knows how to use a spoon but just cant be bothered. I think most of this stems from MIL as she babies him a lot, and he stays at her house frequently when I work.
My husband and I both have ADHD and suspect he has it too, so I have to switch on the TV when he's eating so he focuses on something, so he can eat. It typically takes about 20 minutes and when he's done I'll switch it back off again.

Im just really tired of spoon feeding him and I have such built up anxiety over his food because he's a very picky eater - won't eat anything red, no curries, no stews, will only eat plain stuff or foods with a white sauce.

Any tips? Should I just leave him to it and when he's hungry he'll force himself to eat? I've tried that before but then he doesn't eat as much as when I feed him, and he's quite skinny as it is so me spoon feeding him I'm sure he's getting his nutrients in. Should I just continue?

I think your just the same as MIL with the babying. Just stop doing it.

Is he under weight or just a healthy child weight?

Why you blaming the MIL when you do it.
leave him to it and then at the end of the meal use the spoon to scoop things up and pass it to him saying finish this etc.

No I definitely don't think you should continue. You just need to stop. My 4 year old has spoon fed himself for 3 years! His baby brother has just started weaning and my 4 year old has asked a few times for airplane like his brother and we did it the first couple of times as a joke but he started asking a lot so we said no big boys feed themselves and that was that. He's definitely old enough to understand, you need to be just say no and mean it. He won't starve himself.

Honestly what I would do in your circs is just keep doing it, make no big deal of it and praise any self feeding.

Food is not a good battle to get into in my opinion.

He will grow out of it I'm sure. Maybe for now he likes the attention, or wants to feel babied or whatever.

Hi OP, my son was like this. He's autistic. If I didn't spoon feed him and distract him, he wouldn't eat. At some point,can't remember when but definitely before he started school, he started feeding himself with no real push from us. He's 10 now with a varied, healthy diet, except at times of high anxiety. Just do what works for him and you but gently encourage more independence when you can.

He’s probably old enough now for a conversation.
” Tonight is the last time mummy or anyone feeds you, from tomorrow you do it yourself, like a grown up, like mummy & daddy does “
Then the night after you stop.

Do you all sit together?

Does he struggling with using pencils? I.e is it hard for him to use his fingers?

DC can be very picky at this age so if he will eat chicken and cheesey pasta (if that's beige enough for him?) I wouldnt stress that he wont have more varied things.

My DC can be picky so I play a "im just leaving a fork of X here whilst i look out the window, hope someone doesnt eat it" game and she will forget herself and eat loads.

My son absolutely would have starved himself. OP, if you suspect your son has additional needs, you might get more useful responses on the SN chat board.

Yes, keep doing it whilst you speak to medical professionals. He's already restricted in his eating and likely neurodivergent, so changing things rapidly will only distress him and have the opposite effect.

@Moniq123

I'd have lost the will to live by now. UNLESS, I suspected SEN.

Do you ever vary breakfast? What would he do if you gave him cereal or porridge?

Do you think there's any inability to to do it, or is it entirely preference?

Your mil babies him?! Said by the mother who spoon feeds her 4 year old! Your mil doesn't control what you do in your own home with your own child so this is 100% a you problem, not your mils fault!

He'll be going to school soon where he'll be expected to use KNIFE and fork and you can't even get him to use a spoon? Ffs, stop spoon feeding him

My 7 month old will feed himself with a spoon ffs

My son is like this. He will only eat cereal if his dad spoon feeds him, he’s nearly 4.5. He’s autistic. If he didn’t do this then he wouldn’t eat. ASD and ADHD are genetically linked and run in families. If it works for you then keep doing it for now.

You shouldn't still be spoonfeeding a neurotypical four-year-old.

Assume nursery don't spoon feed him

So you and mil need to stop

Let him do it

He can eat from what you said just takes time and likes other people feeding him

Come sept 2024 he will have to do it for school

Obv if he is sen then different advise

Assuming neurotyoical, you need to be taking steps in the right direction.

First, does he have the fine motor control and hand strength? If in doubt, lots of playdough and scribbling/colouring time.

Second, you need to break the habit. If he finger feeds just gone, have a week of just finger food.

As far as restrictive eating goes, take your time. My eldest really had issues with sauces on things. It takes some time.

I do suspect SEN. He reminds me a lot of myself when I was a child (with ADHD) and Nursery have noticed it too, and he has early years support. I don't suspect autism but I do think he has ADHD, he's too distracted to eat a full meal by himself. I need him to be fully engaged with the tv to be able to distract himself into eating if you understand what I mean?