DS dad issues

[Loloj]

Just looking for some advice really as I’m not sure what to do about the situation (or even if I can).
I’m not with my DS father - we broke up when my son was very young (won’t go into the details but it was a terrible relationship and emotionally abusive so I moved closer to home with my son and now live about 2.5-3 hours drive away). My son is now 9 years old. Has always kept in touch with his father and he visits him regularly (approx every 3-4 weeks for either weekend visits or longer if it’s school holidays). We drive to a meet point so neither of us have to do a full 5 hour round trip.
This arrangement is fine except for a few (what I see as major) issues:

1. When he visits he never has a bath or shower. If he goes for a week my son says his dad lets him have a bath on the last day (so he is clean when I collect him). I think this is disgusting. My son is now almost 10 and is starting to get BO so I dread to think how bad he smells even just a few days in. When he comes back from a weekend his pits smell really bad and I insist he goes in the shower as soon as he gets home. The thought of him going all week without getting clean makes me feel sick. When he comes home his bum is usually red from not being washed for a week. My son says that he asks his dad if he can have a bath or a shower but his dad just says “oh later” and it doesn’t happen.

2. The same applies to brushing his teeth - it usually only happens a few times during the week (although this is improving as DS is taking more responsibility for it - he is still a 9 year old boy who needs reminding though).

3. His dad promises to do stuff with him (which he gets excited about) but when it comes to the day it doesn’t happen. So DS ends up sitting in the house all day doing nothing/ playing games on his tablet/phone. It’s just so upsetting. He now says he’s got used to it so doesn’t expect to do anything anymore when he goes to his dads :(

4. His dad eats really unhealthily - he is obese (if not morbidly obese) and of course this knocks onto my son when he visits. I’m talking constant takeaways, McDonald’s - no fruit and veg. DS comes back after a week and I can visibly see that he has put weight on!

I’ve tried saying things to his dad in the past about all of these things but he just ignores me and nothing changes. I don’t expect him to have a daily shower (as he does at home) but surely there is a level of basic hygiene?!

Oh and just to add his house is a mess - DS says there are pizza boxes piled high and some rooms he can’t get into as stuff is in the way - I just don’t want my son in this environment/ picking up all these disgusting lazy habits. At the same time I want DS to have a relationship with his dad as he loves him and does actually want to see him.

Can I do anything? What would you do?

Oh and please no comments like “why have a child with this loser” as I just want advice on situation as it stands.

Thanks so much and sorry for the long post!

Father certainly needs lessons on basic hygeine in general.You really need to revisit a conversation with him again raising your issues which you've specified.Basic hygeine ie toothbrushing etc is a daily essential.His F is certainly not a good role model or setting a good example.your son is picking up his F bad habits.I would draw up a formal agreement setting out the do's an request he signs it.If he is reluctant to sign it then it really does show that he isn't thinking of his sons best intrest.Also make sure you get a copy for your records with his signature.

I know you feel it isn't acceptable and it really isn't how you want your son to live when he is with his dad, but the bottom line is how at risk is your son? I had similar problems. My children were sleeping on bedroom floors. Dads places was a mess and take aways etc. There were other problems school raised a safe guarding with social services, but it was seen as poor parenting choices. The children got older they took more responsibility for themselves. And eventually voted with their feet.

You have every right to challenge your ex and he should do better. Your energies are probably better placed into empowering your son to take more responsibility for himself

I’m sorry you’re going through this. Not that I’m defending but it sounds like his dad is either severely depressed or he is physically unable / unwilling to take him out remind him of washing.

My advice would be to speak to dad and really reiterate you want them to see one another however you are concerned about the lack of washing, food and that son is left doing nothing whilst he is there. See what he says, or if you don’t get much back then state he will not be coming for as long if things don’t get better. advocating for your son means you may come to loggerheads but I feel like it’s got to be done.

Also talk to your son and explain your concerns in a way he can understand. And that you’ve asked dad to help out so it works for everybody.