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Parenting

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Original poster

Ex-dp has bought ds (3) a mobile phone, 'especially for keeping in touch with Dad'. Am I unreasonable to think this is a bad idea?

47 replies

Twoddle · 29/02/2008 18:00

Title says it all.

I take issue with it because:

It feels wrong - woolly, I know

I know parents with kids 10 years older who are trying to keep their kids from having them

Ds can't use it, so I have to do all the reading and writing of texts anyway - can't he just use my phone and keep it a 'grown-up' gadget?

How do we police, as he gets older, the fact that it's 'just for keeping in touch with Dad'?

What about if/when we come to have new families, with our own or step kids - won't they all want one?

Argh. I dunno. I have PMT so could be being hormonally unreasonable here - but it feels wrong, wrong, wrong ...

Ex-dp says I let ds use a computer so what's the big deal? So what is the big deal?!

Thoughts?

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Original poster

Twoddle · 05/03/2008 00:55

Thanks. Hope it doesn't come to this for you, susie.

OP posts:

SofiaAmes · 05/03/2008 07:00

What a moronic guy thing to do. All I can say is my friend's very useful advice when dealing with men....just add in your head "mental age of 12" to whatever they do or say and it makes a whole lot more sense.
I would just let ds play with the phone as much as he wants (it is his afterall) and the problem will resolve itself (my 46 year old dh goes through a few a year). DO NOT waste your time trying to argue rationally with a "12 year old" about the logic of it all...it will just be a waste of your time and energy.

kitbit · 05/03/2008 07:51

I'm sure the phone could meet with a terrible accident? Perhaps involving water, they find it very difficult to work after being dropped in the loo...apparently. But am liking the 999 bollocking idea!

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MaLopez · 05/03/2008 08:08

Agree with kitbit. Water and a sandbox and a little shovel. Where has the phone gone? Blank look from all

threestars · 05/03/2008 10:24

Men just are nutters, aren't they? They think kids are born with grown-up brains and attitudes. DH bought DS a two-wheeler bicycle for his 1st birthday...??? And a Hans Christian Anderson storybook when he was about 3 months old.
You could just keep leaving the phone at home, saying it doesn't fit into a 3 year old's pockets.

titchy · 05/03/2008 10:46

Ask ex how he would like the phone to be looked after at your house? Does he think it best that ds keeps hold of it, in his room, toybox whatever (in which case the inevitable will happen ) or would he prefer you to keep said mobile on a shelf somewhre out of reach, in which case point out that as you are the one in charge of it there is no difference in sending texts to either your phone or ds' as you're the one that has to check it, retrieve message and read it out!

When ds is next due to go to ex' send the phone with him and bombard it with texts!

Bramshott · 05/03/2008 10:56

Surely if he wants to send a message to your DS personally, he can write him a letter / send him a postcard etc. Would have thought that would be a lot more fun for a 3 year old - a lovely picture and letter in the post from daddy, just for him.

wannaBe · 05/03/2008 10:58

drop it down the loo.

but don't tell anyone you've done it. then retrieve it and dry the interior with a hairdrier.

I can promise you it won't work any more after that. but just say to you ex that you have no idea why it isn't working...

OrmIrian · 05/03/2008 11:00

Gawd! I thought you said he was 10 and I was about to leap in and ask what was so terrible about a phone for a 10 yr old. Serves me right for skimming.

But no, at 3, it is totally ludicrous. It will be broken within hours, or lost. DS#1 who is 11 has already lost one in the first month of having it.

orangina · 05/03/2008 11:07

Could you not lie and say that your gp said he wasn't to have a phone as he was too little? If your ex dp doesn't want to hear it from you, perhaps he would hear it from someone else?
(agree with you btw that it is mad.............)

orangina · 05/03/2008 11:09

yes, the loo idea is also a brilliant one!

Catzy · 05/03/2008 11:15

I'd go with it for now to keep the peace. It won't take long for it to get broken/lost.

For the record I think it's an insane idea.

K20 · 05/03/2008 11:16

I know exactly where you are with this OP. My ex-dh gave an expensive mobile to the children 8 & 7 5 months ago and set it up so it could only ring his mobile or his home number. He sends texts and leaves voicemails on it, he rings them on it - and yells at me if it's not heard and answered or fully charged.

Its a PITA. The first one I dropped it in the bath after 2 weeks and the children innocently told on me. He provided a cheap replacement that holds it charge for no time and has to be plugged in all the time. I have resisted and resisted it. I am now using all the points in this thread in court in two weeks as to why he must ring the house number and not use it as a direct access to the children. He encourages them to ring him any time of the day or night and one evening when I had had a showdown with DS about 'get to sleep' he rang his dad on it and I ended up looking like a bad mother yelling at their kids, rather than a tired exsparated mother wanting their child to sleep and stop larking around (he had ADHD)

it is ludicrous. Don't even go there

Surfermum · 05/03/2008 11:16

My initial thought was that maybe he wasn't being "allowed" to speak to his son when he was with you, as this was dh's experience with dsd. But it clearly isn't the case.

I would just go with it. If he wants to buy a phone just for keeping in touch with Dad (despite there being other ways) let him spend his money!

Let him send his texts, read them to your son and reply. It's presumably what you would do if it went to your mobile, so there's no difference.

I would leave the phone on a high shelf away from your ds and not encourage its use, and I wouldn't hear it when it was ringing as I was in the loo .

I would continue to make it clear to your x that he can ring his son on the landline any time he wants, and vice versa. I'd never use the mobile to contact him, other than to reply to texts.

I think you're right in your views about this, but I think I probably wouldn't push the point with your x as it sounds to me a bit like he is spoiling for a fight. I would just make a non issue of it and go with it for the moment.

K20 · 05/03/2008 11:18

PS my DCs don't reply to texts they don't know how and frankly they are not yet interested in texting and I'm not encouraging it.

They can't keep their DS lites charged, so there is no hope they could keep a phone charged without reminders ... which I don't

hanaflower · 05/03/2008 11:32

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Surfermum · 05/03/2008 11:35

K20, now that dsd has a mobile she phones her Dad whenever she wants. Her mum initially took it off her because the first time they had an argument after she got it she sent her Dad a text that said "pike me up". She, like you, didn't like the thought of them communicating directly.

But what has actually happened is that we now know all the ups and downs of what goes on at her mum's, and what her mum has discovered is that we are willing to support her and back her up - not go steaming in the first time dsd texts and says "I want to come and live with you".

It's actually worked to everyone's benefit. But we were never out to undermine dsd's mum or make her out to be a bad parent. Obviously I don't know if that's your x's agenda. But honestly, it's horrible if your child isn't with you and you have to rely on the goodwill of a 3rd party to "allow" communication between you and your child. And I hate the thought of dsd being with her mum, upset and wanting to phone her dad and no being able to.

jellies · 05/03/2008 11:39

you can get kids mobile phones they only have about 4 buttons which you preprogramme the numbers into press 1 mummy 2 daddy?? Not that I think a mobile is a good idea for a 3 year old but it may stop him phoning new zealand or have the police round to the door like me last week

Original poster

Twoddle · 05/03/2008 23:10

Thank you all for your replies. All being taken in ...

Surfermum - helpful posts, thanks. Just to clarify one point: I have no problem at all with ds communicating directly with his dad and vice versa. We have a landline, and my mobile is available, as is e-mail, and the post. If ds ever expresses an interest in contacting his dad (he hardly ever does, but that isn't the point), I help him call his dad, or write a text to his dad from my phone. We make cards together if it's Dad's birthday, or Father's Day. I have not been obstructive in the least. What I take issue with is a three-year-old having their own mobile phone. There are potential health risks, and surely it's something you have when you are sufficiently capable and responsible to use it?

Off soapbox now ...

Thanks again - will mull how to play things when ex-dp gets back - high shelf or sandpit? Hmm ...

OP posts:

kitbit · 06/03/2008 08:41

just another thought Twoddle, surely the point is that giving a 3 year old is more to control you than it is to give access to Daddy for your ds? After all, he can't text by himself, can't dial etc. So if he wants to talk to daddy he has to ask you anyway. Likewise, if the phone rings you have to reach it/pass it to him/answer it, so what's the logistical difference between that and using your existing mobile other than that daddy pays the bill on this one? It says more about your ex wanting to make a point than about him wanting to keep in touch with your ds IMHO and surely the court will see it the same way? Not to mention likelihood of losing/breaking/therefore upsetting ds etc and also the health risk.
An older child well then yes maybe but a 3 year old..totally ridiculous.

jammi · 06/03/2008 15:58

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Original poster

Twoddle · 07/03/2008 23:00

Thanks kitbit and jammi. Helpful points.

Have e-mailed ex-dp with the background to my "negative" stance on this , plus lots of suggestions for compromises/alternatives - him sending e-mails to ds, going on webcam, writing letters, voicemail on the landline, etc. Let's see how we go ...

Thanks again, all. T

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