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Really need to vent about the 'when are you having another one?' comments!!

3 replies

yetanotherchangeofnamey · 22/08/2023 10:07

My toddler's nursery has closed unexpectedly due to a tragic fire. No idea when it'll reopen, most if not all nurseries within driving distance are too full or too expensive. I don't drive and her dad works long hours so it being driving or at least bus distance is very important. Same goes for local childminders - I imagine most in my area have become inundated with requests from parents of kids at our nursery!

We have no other help. No family or friends to babysit. Both our mums live four hours away, my mum travelled down for a week (she doesn't drive either) so she could watch our toddler while I WFH. My mum is a bit too frail to carry toddler around and has a bad hand so nappy changes, taking her upstairs or lifting her into her highchair were still on me. MIL works and has pets that she can't afford to have looked after so she can only come when on annual leave, and even then its only for maximum two days.

I just need to vent, before we had our baby we would babysit my niece a lot just because we loved doing it, we didn't expect anything in return. Other family members with kids all have handfuls of friends that'll babysit if needed. It just seems like as soon as it was our turn, we're on our own! We didn't go into this expecting guaranteed help but we are really struggling without it. And then we get comments asking when we're having another - erm are you going to babysit when they're sent home from nursery for whatever reason, so we can continue to work so we can pay rent and not be homeless???

I've offered to pay SIL to babysit until the nursery opens but she works evenings and has two kids already so I feel very guilty asking. I'm also contacting a few childminders but my partner is grumbling a bit about having to get up early to drop her off in time for him to get to work (our nursery is next to his work). I'm now considering taking unpaid leave but I don't know how we'll afford anything without both of our salaries. My boss is very understanding and kindly let's me WFH with her but it is not sustainable, it is not fair on her, my work suffers, customers hear her on the phone and while no one has complained, it's not only embarrassing for them to hear her screaming but it's not fair on her that I can't immediately go to her all the time. For example, I was on the phone to a customer when my toddler fell and banged her knee and cried. I had to rush the customer off the phone - thats unfair on everyone!

Seriously, people shouldn't tell me to pump out more kids if they're not willing to get stuck in and help when we desperately need it!!!

OP posts:
Are your children’s vaccines up to date?
FTMFeb21 · 22/08/2023 13:29

I hear you!

My DH and I are immigrants so both our parents live abroad. His sisters and their families live here in UK as well. DH and I both have daily jobs. While we used to babysit our nephews all the time before our DS was born and even when I was pregnant ! When it was our turn to be looked after , we had a massive family friction so now we don’t talk to SILs and they won’t even bother to ask my DH (their brother) if he needs anything ever.

I’m always wondering where’s the “village “ for me that everyone talks about when they say it takes a village to raise a child. My own mum couldn’t come to UK for 3 years (Covid and other health issues) to meet her grandson.

Ive just accepted the fact that this is what it is. We take annual leave or unpaid leave to fill up the child care gaps when nursery is closed or when DS is sick.

yetanotherchangeofnamey · 22/08/2023 14:05

FTMFeb21 · 22/08/2023 13:29

I hear you!

My DH and I are immigrants so both our parents live abroad. His sisters and their families live here in UK as well. DH and I both have daily jobs. While we used to babysit our nephews all the time before our DS was born and even when I was pregnant ! When it was our turn to be looked after , we had a massive family friction so now we don’t talk to SILs and they won’t even bother to ask my DH (their brother) if he needs anything ever.

I’m always wondering where’s the “village “ for me that everyone talks about when they say it takes a village to raise a child. My own mum couldn’t come to UK for 3 years (Covid and other health issues) to meet her grandson.

Ive just accepted the fact that this is what it is. We take annual leave or unpaid leave to fill up the child care gaps when nursery is closed or when DS is sick.

It's so hard isn't it, especially on relationships! The lack of child free time makes us so tired and snippy with eachother every day, I don't think our relationship would survive a second child sadly ...

OP posts:
Heyhoherewegoagain · 22/08/2023 14:10

It’s tough when you don’t have help. My mum was so looking forward to looking after my dd when I went back to work, then she was hit with early onset Alzheimer’s in her 50s. We had no childcare AND we’re heavily involved with my mum’s care too.
I gave up my career and got a (decently paid, not stacking shelves in a supermarket!) working evenings and half nightshifts. DH came in from work and I went out-some nights we did literally pass in the hallway.

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