About to have 2 under 2 -feelings of regret :(

[Niranja]

Hi all

im feeling VERY hormonal - would appreciate some kind words of encouragement/understanding :( please no judgement.

my DS is 19 months old and I am 35 weeks pregnant. Possibility of a C section as baby is breech - however midwife thinks I may have the option to try have the baby turned. Had a c section with ds and the recovery finished me off, however I powered through but I don’t think I can do it again.

the past few weeks I’ve been having the most horrible feelings of regret… almost like I wish this baby wasn’t coming. I know I sound like a horrible ungrateful person to be pregnant and blessed with another healthy baby but I am just so worried about how this is going to affect my ds :( I didn’t feel like this in the beginning of my pregnancy, I was excited to have two children close in age and this baby was planned. But now I’m thinking maybe I should have planned a bigger age gap or just stuck to one child? It’s too late now.

my ds is my whole universe and has been since the day he was born. I was so independent after he was born even recovering from a c section - I had a wonderful maternity leave with him even though there were many hard days. We have a beautiful bond and he loves me so much - he is very much a pampered toddler. I read to him, rock him to sleep and sing to him every night. Every one of my days off work/ weekends revolve around him and I plan lovely things for us both to do. We get lots of 1-1 time when dp is working long hours. How am I going to do all these things with a new baby to look after?? He loves his daddy of course but he really is a mummy’s boy and I’m so scared the new baby is going to ruin our bond :( and more so how on earth am
i going to look after a toddler if i have another c section? After my first c section I didn’t drive for 6 weeks and didn’t lift anything heavier than the baby for ages. I just focused on my recovery and doing everything right for my new baby. My dp was a wonderful help but obviously this time we have a toddler to care for too.

I cried to our health visitor and my midwife about my feelings - they were lovely but both said to me that a sibling is a gift to him.

im scared I have ruined my sons life and my bond with him will be in tatters after the new baby is here. I want to love my new baby the way I love my ds but I just can’t imagine it. How on earth do I look after a newborn and a toddler at the same time? Once dp’s paternity is finished then I’m on my own and I really really don’t want to neglect one of them to meet the others needs and vice Versa. It also upsets me so much that my ds won’t get all of my time and attention now - none of these feelings were there when we decided to try for another baby - all I thought of was giving ds a sibling. I wish I’d have thought more carefully

Firstly have a read of spinning babies website and all the expertise there of how to turn a breech baby.

Secondly, I went through all those feelings and honestly the first few weeks I was constantly crying as my toddler's life was blown up. However I've come out the other end and can now see all the positives the HV and MW were talking about.

To get there I: had some support from a postnatal mums group where all the other second time mums with a small age gap got it and also hired mother's help to play with my toddler sometimes in the same space as me/garden so that there wasn't just this awful rejection and my toddler having to wait, completely neglected the housework and spent the baby's naps playing with my toddler and bought some special toys for my bf toddler that only came out during bf the baby.

My two are so close now it's wonderful. You're a step ahead of me for planning how to cope now. It'll all be OK.

I completely get this. I felt exactly the same. My DS1 and DS2 are 16 months apart. We planned it that way. When it got closer to the end of the pregnancy I had all the feelings you describe. I couldn’t bare the thought of having to choose between them. The thought of leaving DS1 to go into hospital to give birth filled me with horror. I was panicking and distraught. If it makes you feel any better, as soon as DS2 was born all of my anxieties melted away in an instant. Maternal instinct takes over at that point. I was so excited to get home and introduce them to each other. They are super close siblings who are now 7 and 8 and they do absolutely everything together. It’s like having twins. They’ve loved each other from the start. It’s hard having 2 under 2 but honestly it has so many benefits too. Please take heart OP. It will be okay! Good luck with the rest of the pregnancy and the birth. You can still rock him to sleep and all of that. I did!

I understand your hormonal.

My youngest was a happy surprise. I was hoping for 4 years between my two. I got 20 months.

First of, you won't ruin your bond with your son. It becomes stronger. You see them become a big brother and you love them even more than you thought was possible.

When baby is born, you'll realise you don't have a finite amount of love. Your heart grows with the growth of your family. I loved my second so deeply the moment she was born. And then I watched big brother meet them. My heart grew even more.

I learned how to change two nappies. Shop for two . Play with two. Give attention to two. Feed two. Get two down for naps. And you will learn this too.

I watched big brother look after his sister as they grew. He helped get things for her when she couldn't. He taught her to read age 3...I kid you not. He showed her how life worked. He thrived in being loved by his parents and loving his sister.

I now have two wonderful teenagers who are the best of friends. They have been this way all their lives, as they're so close in age and they get each other. I watch my friends who have a teen and a tween in their families always falling out because of the age gap, and am again thankful for my happy accident.

I was done with weaning quickly. I was done with nappies quickly. I was done with school runs quicker. I'm now at the point of juggling taking them both to places they want to be.

You've got this OP. And if you're like me, you'll be thankful soon enough that the gap between them is small.

Please don't stress. My two under two (actually 14 months apart) are now inseparable besties at 5 and 6. They adore each other and it is the best thing to see them play together, making up stories and just being so happy and content together. You will be making your little boy an amazing younger sibling and built in best friend. Good luck with it all

2 of mine are 14m apart and the day before I went in to have the younger one I held the elder one and cried at what I felt I'd denied him. He doesn't remember her not being here and they are now a lot older and thick as thieves, their bond is incredible. It's a normal feeling OP but they'll be fine ❤️

Was your first pregnancy an elcs or emcs?

Also turning a breech baby can be a risky and painful business. Make sure you do your research if you want to go for that

Wow thank you for all your kind replies! I have read every one of them and your lovely experiences made me fill up. I pray for the beautiful experiences that you guys have mentioned!

can I ask - going from 1-2 how did you find it financially? We are fortunate enough to not have to fund childcare are we have two sets of retired grandparents who go above and beyond with childcare. I don’t find ds that expensive really - I get child benefit (I think £96 a month?) for him and that covers a lot if not all of what he needs at the moment. I’m not the type of mum to buy him a new toy every time we do the food shop. Grandparents are very generous and will often buy him new clothes etc if he needs them. I kept all my baby things I didn’t throw one single thing away. I have bought the extensions for ds icandy pram to turn it into a double and we have his old car seat so we have no expenses there.

Obviously im aware kids become more expensive when they want to start hobbies, more expensive gifts at birthdays/ Christmas etc.

it worries me ds is going to miss out on experiences because we have another child to pay for now

It was an Emergancy - I was in labour and he was breech (even though midwife had felt my bump beforehand and thought he was head down) so I was rushed to theatre for a section. Midwife suspected this baby was breech and I was sent for a scan two days ago which confirmed he/she is in fact breech!

I remember being distraught for DS1 when I went into labourer with DS2. A lovely woman in the maternity ward, who was having her 3rd or 4th, explained that “your heart just grows” and she was so right. DS2 didn’t take anything at all away from DS1. And I echo what others have said about the bond - they are BFFs even now as teens.

Financially, no huge additional cost until the teenage years.

I had two very close together a Ds followed by a Dd and c-sections. My biggest thought was how can I possibly love DD as much as DS and I will admit it took me some time, but like you I had bond with my lovely boy and very much still do and my beautiful girl, she is so loving, kind and fun, you couldn't not love her. Your children will be so different that you love different aspects of their personalities, although at times, you may not like their individual behaviour, mine fight like cat and dog now, but equally stick up for each other outside the family. Make time for your DS even when your new one is born eg when it is napping or keep up your nighttime reading routine with ds, I did and it was worth it.

My mum.
.had a 1.5 year old...twins..a year and a day later another baby....4 under 3.5 she was only 21 but managed..went on to have another 9
.its all possible.

I think most mothers feel like that op, whatever the age of their eldest.

But... Just deal with today and let tomorrow take care of itself. You're worrying about stuff that's outside of your control, when you're actually in a situation you find solutions and a way through. Eg if you can't lift DS, you'll cope just like you'd cope if you hurt your arm now.

Kindly, you also need to toughen up a little bit - your eldest needs stability from you, if you're a big weepy mess thinking it's terrible and you've ruined his life then that will communicate itself to him. When I had dc2 I had to keep reminding myself that 2dc was the new normal. It's common to start being over attentive to dc1 and indulging them, which makes it even worse when a baby comes and there's less attention for them.

At your dc1's age, within a few months he won't remember a time when he didn't have a sibling. It's not easy but it's doable! Good luck

No. You haven't ruined your baby's life.

It'll be hard. But parenting is hard. He will miss out on some things, but gain others. You will fail, but you'll succeed more.

Your little one will seem to grow up overnight. They seem little and then you have a newborn and by comparison they are so grown up!

My first two are 22 months apart and the next gap was 18 months. I remember being in labour with my third, standing holding my baby who had croup and wondering how I'd manage. As teens, they prove I did manage that stage. The younger two have shared friends.

Hormones will tell you all sorts of porkies. Mostly, if you listen to your body and let it rest as possible, you'll middle through as well as everyone else.

Enjoy your little one. Enjoy as much of the pregnancy as possible. Try not to worry about the future until it's here.

I felt exactly the same.
I remember telling the Health Visitor that I was DD’s playmate and I was worried that I would lose that precious time with her.
I had an absolutely idyllic time with DD1, living in a big country house with garden and DP working away. Myself and DD1 spent our days playing outdoors, looking for bugs, blowing bubbles, planting seeds painting, modelling play dough ,singing, swimming , breastfeeding and co sleeping.
I had left work to spend time solely with her and we lived in a little bubble of doing wonderful things together.
I genuinely didn’t know how a new baby would impact on that.
DD2 arrived and it was brilliant.
I realised that she was born into a very child friendly home, to an experienced and confident parent who knew how to really love a child. I found myself eager and excited to share all the activities that I was enjoying with DD1.
I had nailed the breastfeeding and I was essentially running a little Montessori like set up and a new little person had come to join us.
The interaction between both children was a beautiful surprise.
The development of that separate sibling relationship was amazing to witness.
Caring for two small DCs was hard and there were some differences in personalities, but overall it was the happiest time of my life.
Both DD’s are close friends and have wonderful memories of those times.
You should like a wonderful Mum and I really think it will be the same for you.
Wishing you all the very best.

I'm also not the sort to buy them another new toy everytime I go to a shop but my 2 with a 19 month age gap currently cost £1700 in nursery fees so I would say the cost of toys are the least of my worries personally. Sounds like yours won't cost you much until they are older

I vividly remember saying goodbye to my eldest (then 3) as he went to nursery and I had contractions, knowing he’d never be my only again.

your heart does grow (although for me it wasn’t instant) and with the benefit of hindsight, and yet another baby, I can see what an amazing beneficial thing having siblings has been to him. You will too, I promise.