Hello all,
I joined this community for your advice if possible please. I’m in turmoil about what to do and what’s best for the family and mainly our daughter.
I was counting down to May this year, as my husband mentioned that would be the time to extend the family. Something I’ve always wanted. We currently have a 3 year old and she is so kind and caring; she’d just love a sibling to play with and care for.
May came and I brought up the topic but my husband said he wasn’t sure how to tell me he doesn’t want another child. He’s been feeling that way for over a year or so and didn’t know how to tell me. Even though, in the months before May, he was with me at the pharmacy getting the pre-pregnancy supplements.
Some context: When I gave birth to our daughter in Covid, I was on my own for several days after the birth in the hospital with no visitors allowed. I hadn’t slept a wink and discharged myself for wanting to be at home for rest and to be with my husband.
The first night at home, I got some sleep but the following morning, my husband was in tears that he needed his Mum… Some sort of depression hit when I got home and he’s sought help over the years with it. He’s partially worried his depression will come back at the birth of our next child and doesn’t want to go through it again, which is understandable but I’ve tried to be supportive and say he could get help again if he starts to feel unwell. I’d be there again and he wouldn’t be alone. I wouldn’t want him to be unwell so he could speak to someone professionally again before the birth perhaps and thereafter? Also, what are the chances it’ll return? We’ve done all this before with our first child but I know the mind works differently.
He’s also got this attachment to his Mum, and his Mum with him, which doesn’t help him. He longs to be with his family (we’re a 2.5 hr drive away) and he wants us to move to the same town as them. That would be his wish if he could have it. But I have my elderly mother a few towns away from us and I can’t leave her, and she wouldn’t move with us. The families aren’t close and have hardly met. She doesn’t have any family herself and neighbours as her friends. I couldn’t take her away from the house I grew up in, and she’s spent so much love recently in trying to update it.
My husband has given me an ultimatum with the second baby. I could possibly have one if I move to his parent’s town (because he wants the support of his Mum), or be happy with the way things are as a family of 3 now.
I understand he doesn’t want to become ill again. I wouldn’t want him to go through that again but I feel he’s being unreasonable and unfair. There’s no compromise for me unless I move away from my own Mum who has helped raise our daughter - she visits four days a week and has done for 3 years.
His other reasonings are giving up his games room for the baby, not being able to afford nice holidays, the fear we’ll argue even more, having no help around us, won’t afford nice things.
It’s just all him and there’s no understanding for what I want. I’ve come from a divorced family, I lost my twin brother many years ago and I don’t want our daughter growing up on her own and having no sibling in the future like me. It’s been a painful few months and I’m just not close with my husband any more. I don’t want to break the family up but I don’t know what to do about all this.
He’s not budging and I’m in such a state some days knowing I’m not going to be pregnant again and not going to have that second child. It’s hard seeing families around with siblings playing, and I must have not supported him well enough for him to feel he could manage another child. I don’t know if I can forget all this.
I’ve kept everything from my first pregnancy too. Cots, clothes, bouncers, you name it as I thought this is what we wanted. But I’m in the midst of clearing out clothes and trying to sell them which is painful.
I’d just love to hear opinions if possible. I’m just frazzled by it all and what to do for the best.
Thank you if you’ve managed to read my essay to the end! x