If I'm such a terrible parent, why isn't he doing more?

[bluebellmountain]

Been split with my children's dad for 6m.
2.5 year old is going through a phase, tantrums, screaming, not listening.. you know, the very reason it's called terrible twos.
Apparently this is all my fault, his 2 older children never went through these stages, never misbehaved, it isn't normal and it's because I don't have boundaries and don't shout enough.
This was a huge factor in us splitting up, he has a do what I say and children should be seen and not heard way and I have a totally different approach. I have boundaries, I have consequences, I don't shout or use fear to enforce these. I don't go into battle with a screaming toddler, I soothe or wait it out and then address it. I don't care if every single toy in the house is out, but when I say tidy up, I expect him to HELP, tidy up, I don't expect a 2.5 year old to do it all himself but he has to be doing it with me. Apparently I'm not teaching him responsibility and I'm pandering to him.
We have an older son too, and I'm fully responsible for all his faults, and by faults he's referring to his routines and rigidity in which I suspect is autism, I've Molly-coddled him, that's what's wrong.

He called me this morning as our son was having a tantrum and again told me how shit of a parent I am, in the heat of the moment I said fine, I'm an awful parent, they'd be better living with you so we'll switch and I'll have them every other weekend and a few hours midweek and you can take over as super parent and do it all better.

I obviously didn't mean this at all, I just lost my temper.. but guess what, I'm still a terrible parent, how can I just 'give up' my children and how is he supposed to care for children full time and work, reminded him that I care for children full time and work and he'd have to sort childcare like I do. He apparently can't just take time off when they're I'll or have hospital appointments, but I have to.

If I'm so terrible and he's so bloody amazing why doesn't he want to provide our children with the better life that he can offer.

I know I'm not wrong, I know he's being an arse but it really gets to me and I do doubt myself. And I'm sick of being criticised by someone who doesn't and won't ever step up and do it better.

If I'm so terrible and he's so bloody amazing why doesn't he want to provide our children with the better life that he can offer.

Because you aren't, he isn't and it's just a stick to beat you with.

You sound great and he sounds like an arse! An arse who is unable to take responsibility for anything and instead blames you for everything. Good for you on calling him out.

I'd ignore him.

He sounds like an arse. Stop taking his calls. He can communicate about childcare via text and anything else can be ignored.

Why are you engaging with this? You don’t have to, you know? You aren’t required to listen or respond to any of this nonsense.

I may have to draw the line and make contact limited. I didn't want to go down that road as generally, we get on ok. I wanted to be amicable and show a United front to the kids and 80% of the time it's like that, but whenever anything, no matter how minor goes wrong I just get blamed and criticism for it. I never call him when anything goes wrong in my time, so I may have to just say do not call me everytime something goes wrong and see what happens.

I obviously didn't mean this at all, I just lost my temper.. but guess what, I'm still a terrible parent, how can I just 'give up' my children and how is he supposed to care for children full time and work, reminded him that I care for children full time and work and he'd have to sort childcare like I do. He apparently can't just take time off when they're I'll or have hospital appointments, but I have to

Amazing isnt it!

I'd be hanging up on every single phone call criticising your parenting. Kids are available for contact and thats it.

He is projecting, deep down he knows he is shit, and so is levelling that at you. It's what immature damaged people do.
Look up grey rock, apply it to him in all circumstances. And please do not do anymore facilitating for him and is relationships with these children than you have to. He is an abusive a'hole, and contact with him will do nothing but harm to them.

I'd never heard of grey rock, but it makes sense.

He isn't a narcissist I don't think. He had an awful childhood and I just know he is autistic but this has never been suggested or explored. Him and my son are actually very similar but so much so he just can't see it. I don't know, maybe he is a narcissist, can it be unintentional?

Either way, his ways just became such a drain to me I couldn't continue anymore. It was ok to adapt to his ways before kids and i didn't think much of it, but having to force my kids to adapt to his ways isn't what I want for them. My son is a beautiful and I want to teach him to be aware of his autism and it's impact on himself and others so he can learn how to make the most of his uniqueness.

I am.a step-parent, have been in my stepchild life for 8 years now since he was only 3. He ran amuck for his mother for years, tantrums,wouldn't listen etc but he was the best child for us. Even now he's 11 and he would do and say things at his mother's that he wouldn't dream of doing here with his Dad and I. When I first came on the scene and even prior, the mother rang my partner 2 or 3 timed a day complaining about the child's behaviour and how he needed to sort it etc. It obviously had an affect on my partner and tbh caused a really difficult and fraught co-parenting relationship. I stepped in when we started getting serious and told my partner that if we were going to be in a relationship he needed to put her in her place. Obviously they needed to communicate about their child but it wasn't up to him to tell the child to eat his dinner on her days etc. Eventually he realised what I meant and how it was affecting everyone constantly waiting for the phonecalls fighting. He stopped answering and asked her to text only. If my now stepson was being naughty he would just tell her he was busy and she needed to parent him. It was a tough time but it needed to happen. You can Co parent effectively by text or email - if it is something important he or you could text and say 'can we discuss XYZ at exchange'. Children learn very quickly that there are different rules in different places (mom's house, dad's house, school etc). You don't need the same rules. Ye split up somewhat because of parenting differences, so there are some things you will never agree on.