Coparenting - late drop offs. Anything I can do?

[Alittlebitofhelp]

We have a toddler DC. Generally in bed for 7.15/30. Agreement on overnights is to drop them back 5/5.30. I dropped them 5.20 yesterday, expecting back 5/5.30 today.

Received a text this morning / early afternoon to say would be more like 7 as long car ride (who knows from where - he don’t live far away). So I’m expecting will actually be bedtime around 9 if they nap for hours / need feeding once back. Which means likely disrupted sleep for them and me at start of work week.

Not an issue for older kids but causes chaos with a toddler and also just messes with me.

Is there anything I can do? Not the first time this has happened.

Do you have a court order? Otherwise, unfortunately no real come back.

How chaotic would it be for them if you returned the favour next time?

Send pj's and say great you can dump dc straight to bed and enjoy your quiet night. Your ex will catagorically not want this to happen and dc will be home earlier... Test out my theory please op..

No court order yet… still in the separated not divorced no man’s land as he is being about as cooperative as a… toddler.

Both suggestions are good ideas but we are still early days overnights so if I did either I wouldn’t be putting my DC first (eg late bedtime for a very scheduled toddler or an extra overnight making it the longest time away from me). I’m hoping it gets easier when toddler is older and delays cause less havoc / more settled into overnights so an extra one is totally fine so I can propose stuff like this. At the moment, it just feels like I have no control because I actually care about our DC’s interests.

How late is normally considered late such that it’s worth recording somehow? As in if went to court and showed a pattern. I’m not trying to be petty at all… it’s just a certain level of late has a rollover impact on the night which then does on the week etc.

thanks everyone!

If its not frequent and they've just been on a day out in the Summer I'd be more flexible and just ask for a heads up next time. If you were together you'd probably go on days out that result in a later bedtime.
If it starts happening regularly just because he can't be bothered to get them back and it was a school/nursery night then I'd have a firmer word and start recording.

Does he only have the children for 24 hours a week?

Once a fortnight plus one tea a fortnight. Before anyone condemns me, this is his choice! I’ve offered more time. We are building up to alternate weekends which is what he wants and doing a stepped approach.

Could you shift the overnight pattern so the parent that doesn't have the child picks up first thing after breakfast following the night they stay over? So if for one night, you drop / he collects toddler after breakfast one day one, has them all day and overnight then the visit ends 24 hours later with you collecting DC?

Not condemning, I just thought it relevant to be able to offer suggestions. Could you perhaps try to suggest swapping to morning exchanges so that for example he gets the kids at 10am Saturday and they come back 10am Sunday. He still gets the full day with them and if he takes them out somewhere past their bedtime (which can happen us all tbf) he deals with bedtime anyway? That also means if he is late dropping back to you, then it won't disrupt bedtime as he likely won't be 9 hours late! Another thing, can you do receiving parent collects (this is more the standard) so that way you are there to collect at 5.30 each day - if he's disruptive and late without prior agreement it's something to bring up in court when you get there.

Thanks for the suggestions. Switching to morning exchanges is not a bad idea. I thought it was more standard for parent to drop? So I drop off at his and he drops off at mine? I read something about how that feels less like the parent is interrupting the time of the other parent for the children. It’s all a steep learning curve.

The morning exchanges really isn’t a bad idea at all - I’ll give that a go. Thank you!

Usually it's receiving parent collects to ensure times are adhered to. But obviously if it works the other way that's fine - the more flexible and amicable ye can be is great. We used to have evening exchanges when my stepson was younger but we switched to 10am now as he never wanted to swap homes and go straight to bed and for a few hours before the exchange he would start clock watching. With the morning exchanges we find he just gets up, breakfast, dressed and into the car like a normal school morning so there was less thinking required on his part.

My ex was 40 mins late. Every time.. Judge didn't care.. Yet if dc were not ready at pick up went absolutely batshit. As in threatened me with a police helicopter once!! The dc were hysterical laughing when he came ranting to the door!