8 year old violent rages

[babyboyHarrison]

Help please. I need some help handling violent rages from my 8 year old daughter. 5 days this week we have had 30-40 minute long violent rages from our daughter. She just screams, hits, bites, kicks, headbutts and tried to throw hard things or tries to stab us with things. I am at my wits end. I've had to resort to wrapping a big towel around her to restrain her to stop her hurting us or herself. She is dangerous and tries to break things. I can't just leave her to burn out as it will resort in damage and probably her ending up hurting herself. I just don't know what to do about it anymore. It feels like she spends all her time deliberately doing things just to annoy us (and her sibling). I do find myself loosing my temper and shouting back at her and on one occasion throwing some water at her (after she'd thrown water at me which I do feel ashamed of but it had been going on for 40mins by that point and it was really hard). I just don't know what to do any more. There is no point telling her of punishments whilst she in this state as she isn't thinking clearly and punishing after when she is calm and lovely doesn't really help.

I’m sorry I can’t offer more practical advice- but do you have any idea what triggers her?
Food, sleep, screen time, disrupted schedule? How do those things compare with days she is calm?

Your child needs psychological assessment and help. I am surprised that this hasn’t occurred to you yet?
And I am writing this as someone who had violent outbursts and other severe warning signs as a child, which were ignored by my parents until it got completely out of hand because others got hurt.

@grmsk
What caused yours? ( If you don’t mind me asking)

We have been having very similar with our DD6, she has always had meltdowns although now as she is getting older they are more violent. We are really struggling and like you finding it hard to get any help to find out what is going on. Her behaviour at school and around any one else is impeccable. We've tried to get help form school and the GP but there doesn't seem to be any support available. We are now leaning towards it being ADHD as there is a family history and are seeking a private diagnosis although I'm not sure that this is what happening. We have seen a child behaviouralist but really didn't get the help we were hoping for. It's really hard trying to navigate what is happening.

@Dotcheck Dysfunctional family life and abuse, incl exposure to inappropriate sexual content.
There were warning signs in my behaviour but my parents ignored them because they were too busy with their own marital problems. They were forced to take action when I hurt others.

I’m not saying that any of that is happening in the OP’s house , but the behaviour sounds too extreme to not have a serious cause.

Her older sibling went through a similar phase with these rages (not as frequent ) but they gradually stopped so we were expecting the same to happen with her. They probably only happened every few weeks though and went on for a few months.m and at around the same age. So this is worse. This week has been particularly tough and things haven't been this bad before. It's not been going on for that long but yes we are wondering what professionals we should start to investigate. She doesn't act like this to anybody else and if anyone else saw it they would be absolutely shocked. Never had any problems at school or holiday clubs or with grandparents. She's now calmed down and is being lovely again.

Unclear what triggers, mostly not getting what she wants. Sometimes not wanting to brush her teeth, sometimes not wanting to eat her veg. She is very stubborn at the best of times and we are reluctant to just give into it as we don't want to encourage her that if she makes a fuss she gets what she wants.

We'll investigate professionals but to be honest I wasn't even sure who to speak to. Do you go to GP first or just go private to see physiatrist?

Just wanted to send some sympathy. A relative of mine was just like this at that age - he is now 20 and as charming a young man as you might meet anywhere. He is just lovely.

DS had these sort of explosive moments - usually as a reaction to not getting his own way. He's currently (as an adult) being assessed for ADHD. They peaked at around 9 and gradually reduced until they didn't happen - I think he got more able to deal with the emotions as he matured.

I can't see that there is any abuse or inappropriate sexual contact going on. She and her sibling are well looked after, cared and loved and have a very stable safe home life. We've had plenty of conversations about consent and not touching people etc and honestly don't think that's the cause. Only person in the family I know with ADHD is my cousin so I suppose there is some family history but I think she mostly hasn't learnt how to control her emotions yet and probably builds up and then she snaps with us as we are a safe place. I will read up about ADHD and symptoms though and more than happy to look into professional help, I want her to be happy and she obviously doesn't like these episode herself. She is generally upset and apologetic afterwards and says she doesn't know why she gets so mad. Her sibling grew out of it but any tips on how to manage her when we are in the middle of an episode would be appreciated.

She is generally upset and apologetic afterwards and says she doesn't know why she gets so mad

DS was exactly the same. He said that when he was in the middle of it he couldn't stop. There was no reasoning with him at all. Management was mostly damage limitation. There's a book called something like "the explosive child" which I seem to remember was quite helpful.

He grew up into a lovely, caring young man though!

Thanks for that. I've ordered the book and it should be delivered tomorrow I'm sure there will be things I need to do differently to help diffuse the situation. Well, clearly there will be as what I'm doing isn't working and as I say no concerns from school or other people she just saves it up for us. There must be some sort of pressure building up and she just lets it all rip for us. Other than these outbursts she is a very funny, smart and rather sassy girl. Lots of traits she has I genuinely want her to keep into adulthood, I don't want her to do everything she is told I want her to use her brain but it would be good to brush her teeth without either being asked multiple times or having a shouting match. Granny has taken her for a few hours so feeing a bit clearer headed myself.

I would recommend the explosive child by dr Ross Green. Loads of practical tips and help to find where your child needs support. Also on parents and child's side.

Just seen someone else recommended the same book

That's the one I've just ordered. Really appreciate the recommendation.