Contact. DV, child has special needs

[Missdan]

Hi

Hi I’m new here and was looking for some advice really..
I broke up with my sons dad in February of this year due to DV, he has severe anger issues, bipolar disorder untreated and he’s quite unstable in life.
my son is turning 4 and he’s non verbal, ASD, sensory processing and has a chronological age of 12-18months. He’s in specialist schooling and has lots of sensory issues.

I’ve been the sold carer to meet his needs throughout the last 4 years, his father hasn’t really been interested or involved. He’s spent a significant amount of time ignoring his additional needs and refusing to talk about it or adjust his parenting stance to account for his additional needs.

I’ve been allowing access because his nan has a better grasp of the situation although there’s been a lot of conflict as they refuse to stick to a routine, refuse meet his dietary needs, they frequently change his nappy’s brand which result in nappy rash, regularly giving him bottles of milk instead of encouraging him with nutritional foods and the food they do off him is junk food, McDonald’s, pot noodles and crisps. I have challenged them many times and usually I receive abuse from his dad.

my sons dad is prone to outbursts of aggression and anger, he screams shouts and breaks things. In front of our son, when told about his behaviour he doesn’t care. They think that because he’s non verbal and in his own world it doesn’t matter. I’ve been allowing contact because they do love each other but I sat down with the nan 6 weeks ago and advised I was thinking contact isn’t in the best interest of our son. She promised me she would supervise and that she would be around to remove my son from any dangerous situations.
i learnt this week that the nan hasn’t been around for the last 3 weeks as I was lead to believe and there is now a new partner on the scene I don’t know and he is taking our son around her and her children which has set my anxiety spiralling. I don’t believe he can meet his needs himself, he doesn’t put him first and he regularly puts him at risk. The woman is a complete stranger and that’s not something I’m comfortable with or I believe should be happening at this time.

I’ve been looking into child contact centres and things like that but I’m just at a total loss. I feel like I should cut contact completely as the whole situation is unstable. I don’t feel he’s ever has or ever will put him first and he refuses to get the help and advice he needs for his own mental health issues. He regularly puts him at risk (he drove 2.5 hours to the beach and back again with him in the front seat not strapped in properly and no child safety lock on the door is one example) regularly ignores his disability (drives around with his music blasting while my son is in the car). Anytime I say that’s not safe, please don’t do that etc I’m met with loads of screaming and abuse and I don’t feel like anything will change. This has been building for sometime but I’ve been scared of what to do and the consequences myself as he has been physical with me.

I did have some faith the nan would be there to balance the situation as I’m not around to make sure he’s okay. But now I’ve learnt she’s not (she’s deliberately avoided talking to me for weeks as she felt guilty for allowing this when she knew I wouldn’t be happy with it). I’m not sure on the courts stance with contact with child with high needs, I’ve read a lot and it says I should try and facilitate a relationship to the best of my ability if possible but I don’t see how I can do that anymore when I’ve tried every single thing.

Do you have evidence that he drove him 5 hours (or 2,5h) without a suitable carseat? If you do, I’d report him to SS for that. They may advise you to withhold contact. Would you be safe doing that or does he know where you live and would show up and cause problems? Women’s Aid might be able to advise, even if you managed to exit the relationship ok without help agencies, that doesn’t mean you can’t ask for help and advice now.
I wouldn’t worry too much about the food if contact is only every other weekend or so. It’s shit but it’s just sub-optimal parenting rather than dangerous parenting or (legal definition of) neglect.

Just to add the reason I approached the nan 6 weeks ago is because his dad was using copious amounts of cocaine and drinking heavily. He turns into a monster and is really violent and aggressive. He returned home one afternoon while my son was there and went psychotic, smashed the windows in the house attacked his dad and threatened me, his mum and called lots of my friends screaming shouting and threatening them. All in front of my son. My son could have been seriously hurt. I spent the time on the phone begging the nan to leave and bring my son or id ring the police, he wouldn’t let her go for an hour and was really abusive and threatening to her (I was on the phone).

he later apologised sober and his excuse for doing these terrible things infront of our son was well he doesn’t understand because of his learning difficulties.

Unfortunately I don’t have evidence, only with my eyes. If I had have taken evidence I think he would have exploded. He wants every weekend, and a weekday evening with no supervision

What do you have on paper about him? Have you ever made police or doctor reports about the DV? Have the police ever been involved with him for another reason? I'd imagine there's something on file about bipolar and then evidence it's not being treated?

Sit and write out a timeline with everything that's happened and keep a diary from now on. Talk to social services and explain you don't think ex can keep him safe right now.

I wouldn't mention the new partner thing too much, I see where you're coming from but it might sound like sour grapes. Poor you and poor new woman getting involved with him, he sounds awful!

That’s exactly my concern it will be misconceived that I’m jealous or something but it’s more about him not being supervised.

I’ve been in a refuge because of him. Police have been called multiple times and there is a marker on my address because of his behaviour. He’s been in prison for ABH, been done for assault on me and his father. He’s had a DUI and been arrested at my address.

As far as I know it’s all been documented as every time something has happened he’s claimed to have been to the doctors but doesn’t follow the assessment etc through. he’s had to attend DV courses and anger management not that it’s changed anything.

My son also returns home smelling of weed all the time. He doesn’t maintain contact with me when he has him. I feel like a terrible mother for allowing this because I’m genuinely scared for his safety but I just don’t know my options. This isn’t something anyone I know has ever experienced.

I don’t have a single problem allowing the nan to see him, ideally supervised contact is what I’d like just to be sure he’s not at risk and I had hoped the nan would facilitate this but she has, he bullies her really badly and she has serious mental health problems. She lives with him and he give her money etc so if she tries to stand upto him he threatens to kick her out, pushes her around etc

Report him to SS and police for a start and don't allow him near your son, he sounds vile.

Does your DS have a disability team social worker? If not, I would talk to your school about the whole situation and ask them to put a referral in.

It sounds like social care need to be involved to get a contact centre in place.

This is the point where you need to bring in back up OP. You need to get advice from Women’s Aid or from Social Services or probably both. You need to be able to show that you can see there is an issue with your ex’s (lack of!) anger management and that you are taking steps to protect yourself and your son.!
Is there any police record of these rages or the DV against you? You need to start calling them of they aren’t already aware. So if you know he’s smashing up his parents’ house and your son is there, call the police and report it.

Oh, just read the newer posts. Great, so there’s loads of evidence of him being violent to you, and to others. So it’s not a big stretch that he’s continuing to exhibit abusive and violent behavior when your son can witness it. If you already have a social worker or a DV worker or a family las solicitor working with you then call them and tell them you just found out the nan is no longer supervising visits so you are no longer confident your child is safe during contact with his Dad and that you would ideally like to ask for contact to continue in a contact centre until it can be verified that your ex is sober and calm during contact. The new GF is irrelevant. Don’t bother mentioning her. If it turns into a long term thing she might be a protective factor but if it’s been a matter of weeks she’ll irrelevant and she’s considered an active danger to your child which is highly unlikely if she has her own children living with her.

You need to get a child arrangement order, social services can advise on restricting access due to him not being safe in his fathers care but the threshold is high - the courts won't restrict access due to milk, junk food or a new girlfriend ... it needs to be proof of substance abuse whilst caring for dc, not using legally required car seats consistently etc.

Unfortunately differences in parenting style is not enough to enforce contact centres only (nor would it be right).

Ideally you can come up with a mutually agreed contact schedule with a mediator, and both raise any concerns at that point

There is quite an extensive record and witnesses to everything.
I have 1000s of call logs showing extensive harassment.

Sorry I didn’t explain the food situation right - my son has iron and nutritional deficiencies so we’re under the dietician and they aren’t following the plan that’s been set out by them.

I have a disabilities social worker but not a regular one. Can they make a referral themselves? Does it have to go to court?
i don’t believe he’ll go to court, I found out recently he had another child 10+ years ago. Similar situation and he has no contact due to risk, he’s not challenged the decision. This child doesn’t have extensive complex needs like my son.

is there anyway it can move to a contact centre with all the other services involvement - I’m actually scared it will turn really nasty and that’s the last thing I want for the kids to be in the middle of..

Can evidence be witness statements also?

sometime ago he realised I’d been keeping evidence of everything and he took my phone and ipad and deleted a lot of my stuff - then he’s advanced his abuse by phone and in face only for this reason I believe