Guardian article and going back to work and juggling raising a child

[mummatam]

I'm a new mum of a completely wonderful little 5 month old. I went on maternity leave not having discussed an exact return date with my employer but with the understanding that I was unlikely to take a full year off and would like to come back after 6 months and perhaps work part time initially and then full time from 8 months. Oh how naive I was! I am really struggling to get myself into work mode again. I am so unbelievably enjoying being a mum and I would love to be there for my baby's milestones but also in a way give my baby the kind of upbringing I had myself. I always had one parent that wasn't working and was a full time parent. As a child, my mum was a SAHM and then as a teen my dad retired early and my mum took up a teaching job. Never in my life did I think I would consider being a SAHM, and yet here I am. DH is supportive either way. I am very conflicted as, like I said, it's not something I'd ever considered but I can't help feel like it would be so nice for my child to have someone drop them off and pick them up from school without having to go to breakfast clubs or after school care etc.
And then I came across these on the guardian:

amp.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2023/aug/18/lets-stop-pretending-that-parenting-and-work-can-be-perfectly-balanced

https://www.theguardian.com/commentisfree/2023/aug/17/helen-skelton-honesty-work-kids-radical-truth-family-life

https://www.theguardian.com/media/2023/aug/14/helen-skelton-quits-radio-5-live-to-spend-more-time-with-her-children

I can't help but feel it's true that full time work and parenting is difficult to balance perfectly.

Small children need a lot of care. Someone has to give it. That's inescapable.

If it's not a parent then it's a nanny or nursery or GP or childminder, if you're lucky the care will be high quality and suit your child.
If both parents of a child work there are inevitable pinch points where the two responsibilities clash from time to time and resolving that can be stressful. Imperfect resolutions can be guilt inducing.

It's all compromises whichever you do.

I was a sahm for 8 years which got my youngest to starting school and after that a part time job working from home that fits into school hours. My career is behind now but I'm not sorry I made that choice, my kids have missed a lot of stresses that my friends who made the other choice went through, and I think my kids have benefitted from the parenting they've had which I couldn't have done if I was at work all day. Some mums would be very frustrated in that role but I loved being close to my kids and having that level of time for quality input into their upbringing.

My friends are ok with their choices because their kids have come through those stresses intact (things like going to after school club with their bully or struggling with homework but not having time to get help between parent coming home and bed), and they're financially better off and will be forever.
They are happy families as are we.
If my child had been in long hours of childcare and struggled I would have regretted doing that to them so much, I didn't want to risk it would be ok. As it happened my DD was revealed to be neuro diverse at age 7 and I know she would have seriously floundered if I'd taken the other path, so that was fortunate.

Yes the juggle is hard. But not working at all can lead to very difficult outcomes- at least couples where both work still have an income if one loses a job / has a health problem. And a financially secure family has a lot going for it in terms of children’s well being.
dh & I both work full time with 3 young dc. But I never went back full time while I had a baby under 1, except for the 3rd becasue Dh could go on parental leave so was home with dc3. In your circumstances I’d defer my returning till one year, take the extra 6 months at home and see what you think. Many women love part time as getting that chance to be their adult self plus earn money plus lots of time with baby, and you will also be blown away by how fast they grow and develop and see that childcare offers lots of stimulation and company, while when they are still pretty tiny babies like yours it’s very difficult to think of them thriving in childcare. My 18mo is very clear on what she wants to play with and who she wants to play with now (VERY clear 😁) and a little friend comes and hugs her when she arrives at childcare, it’s so different from leaving an 8mo.

I would say if you can afford not to work and you actually enjoy being home with your little one(s) then it’s a no-brainer! There can’t be any better childcare than their own parent in their own home surely? For the children I just don’t see a downside, it’s only if the parent needs the money and/ or a job/ career for their own personal fulfillment isn’t it?

You don’t have to justify your choice - whatever it is - to anyone but yourself and your child and your DH. You are responsible for this child, and for yourself. It’s your conscience that needs to be clear, yourself and your child you’re answerable to. So, my advice would be to evaluate your current and future financial security, estimate your family’s current and future needs, add some slack and go from there. Society and other people aren’t going to raise your child, or feed and house you if you divorce or are widowed. It’s on you.

Well I’m not sure about the relevance of Helen Skelton’s situation- she has 3 kids and has recently gone through a tricky divorce, the fact that her family needed her to not work for a while doesn’t mean that nobody can balance work + kids!

If you are worried about going back full time, is part time an option?

If you can afford it definitely leave work!

It's hard but millions do it. It's fine once you find a routine. Get good childcare arrangement and just be super organised. Make use of time in the evening and nap times etc to get sorted for the next day. Don't feel bad using childcare when you're off work to allow yourself time to breathe and catch up. Honestly, it's fine. If you don't like it because you want to spend more time with your child that's a personal thing but the practicalities are perfectly manageable.

Btw our daughter adores nursery and time with her grandmother, it is having no detrimental effect on her whatsoever and to be honest I think she has a more enriched life through the varied childcare than I could offer her full time.

Your post indicates you are married, which gives you a good deal of financial security through being a SAHM, if you do decode that route then make sues you DH pays into your pension for you

I worked the absolute bare minimum when my DC were small but it was crucial to keep my hand in and get back up to speed once they hit school / preschool age. Now juggling 3 and career is going strength to strength. Please do consider doing something to keep your hand in (2 days per week?) ; it would be game changing if uour relationsnip were to break down or your DH get ill.

• decide on that route

I always had one parent that wasn't working and was a full time parent

Bad choice of words, working outside the home doesn't stop parents being full-time parents, it's a 24/7 job regardless of what other paid employment parents have.

To the point there is no right or wrong, many new mums will take off as much time as they can afford to, to the full 12 months. Few families can afford to live of one wage in the UK.

My personal view is that if you have a career then you should try to stay in work in some capacity even if it means going part-time.

You never know what the future will bring I know a few mums who have ended up as young widows, raising their children alone. I know more widows than divorcees, all of them through cancer.

Yes its interesting, my mum was a SAHM for around 8 years. It isnt something I've ever had the option to do, but I think if I did I wouldnt take it. For me I need space to have a work identity it refreshes and nourishes me for the time I'm mothering. I love my little ones dearly and enjoy our time together bit part of why I enjoy it is that I have space. I do 3 days a week so am part time. Every family is different though. There are plenty of days where work intrudes at home or home intrudes at work but overall this works for us as a family.

Could you consider part time? My employer allowed me to drop to 3 days which really worked for me.

I work full time but flexibly, so I do most drop offs and pick ups, I've made every single sports day, performance, parents assembly. I spend all the hours after school until dc bedtime with them. I just start work after they've gone to bed again. It's hard work, no doubt about it, and I have no space for all the hobbies I see people doing, but I have a decent career, am financially independent so if I ever wanted to leave dh (I don't he's lovely) I could do so without being at all worried about finances. I also have a life outside being Mum-to-DC

If you want to be a SAHM be one, you don’t need to try and find guardian articles that support your preference.

I went back full time after 6 months, but I had to because DH was between jobs, we always knew that would be the case at that time. It was hard leaving a baby that little especially as nursery’s aren’t really geared up for babies that age.

With 1 nursery age DC though is both working full time is very doable. It feels hard right now but that’s because I’m pregnant and extra tired. Pre pregnancy tiredness it was all very manageable, we have fun with DS and we enjoy our careers which have taken time to build.

When we have our second I’ll go back around 9 months and be part time until baby is 1. Plan is then for us both to be full time again.

I really do believe that working full time with nursery age kids is much easier than when they’re primary school age. I expect that me and DH will drop some hours so we can be there a bit more after school when DC are older.

It also sounds like your views are very much shaped by having a parent at home when you were growing up. Which is fine but the world is also a different place now and much harder to get by on one income!

I don't know how old you are op, one factor in your mum being a sahm might have been lack of childcare when you were young - it was harder to find and more expensive in 80s/90s. So maybe it was less of an option.

There is a middle path, it's working part time. Or being a sahm for just a few years rather than a whole decade or whatever.

If you go sahm you're being financially dependent on your partner, might be a fine thing to do in some circumstances but some partners are crap with money/won't share money fairly etc.

Being sahm also means you're likely to do most or all of the housework and that can be hard to change if you do ever go back to work.

If I could go back, and had the choice I would be SAHM
my DC are now teens and I never felt I was able to be a "proper" mum
Good luck OP

Also - a 5mo and a 12mo are quite different beasts, chasing a toddler around and smiling at a barely mobile baby take different energy levels! I was glad to get back to work for the rest :)

I’d recommend just extending your mat leave to the full year before making any serious decisions. Firstly, three months unpaid will give you a good idea if you can actually afford it. But ultimately, I can’t imagine many women want to go back after 5 months. You’re barely out of the fourth trimester. I’m part time. Part time works wonders. I genuinely feel like a better parent on my days off with the kids. (My experience… this is personal to everyone that everyone’s perspective will be different.)

5 months might be too early to make a decision. We moved when I was on mat leave so I knew I wasn’t going back to that job and I decided l’d wait and see how I felt. At about a year I really wanted to get a job. My mat leave pals had returned to work and my brain needed a challenge. Now with 2 school age kids and working 3.5 days a week im knackered. But once you get used to the money it’s hard to drop down.

If you have a sound marriage, and your dh is supportive then it really is up to you. Nothing any one else thinks matters.

Having said that, my ds (only child) loved after school club. It was his little 'tribe'. It gave him the chance to race round with others, making friends, burning off lots of energy and having fun before I collected him.

I worked close to nursery/primary school so I could drop ds off at 8.40 and still be in work at 9. Then I'd collect at 5.45.

My ex morphed in weird controlling man as soon as DS arrived, so I was very glad I hadn't given up work, and my career allowed us to get away.

There is also the whole pension issue. Will your dh pay into your pension if you are off work for 10 years? The earlier years of pension payments are the most valuable.

Only you can know what’s best for you. Just don’t feel like you have to make any decisions just now, 5 months is still early days. Take the full year and decide closer to the time. At 5 months work was so far for being something I was considering, but by 12 months I was champing at the bit to get back to work and regain a bit of my own identity and intellectual challenge back.

I would have felt very financially vulnerable giving up my career. Going back 3 days worked perfectly for me, although in my line of work it was easy to do that, I knew I’d be able to ramp hours back up in time and I had weighed up the risk of impact to my long term earning potential and career development. Personally I worried a lot about all the ‘you can’t have it all’ stuff when I was pregnant and on mat leave but quite honestly I do feel like I’ve got it all and the balance is good. It’s hard work, but getting easier now we’re out of the baby/toddler years.

It's so hard OP. I was a SAHM when my DC were little and went back to work when the youngest started school. I enjoyed being a SAHM, but (slightly to my surprise) I also loved going back to work and felt fulfilled in a way that I hadn't realised I'd been missing. Any chance you could work part time (indefinitely, not just for a couple of months while you settle in)? That's the perfect combination IMO.

My experience was
at 5 months- OMG I can never leave this child. never never never, I wish to be with him every second of every day, I am changing my whole future plan.
At 12 months- I want to be with him every second of every day but look how much he enjoys playing with other folks and coming back to me ,I'm still probably not going back to work though
At 14 months- Not sure what'll happen but we have a nanny who seems lovely so I will go back 3 days (NB its really easy to get a great nanny for 3 days/week as it is 30 hours and they like the security )
Absolutely fine for a year or two - a lovely balance and kiddo has in home care, I see him on balance more than I don't see him (4 days of the week and all night all week). Ooh look, having some money is helpful.

School is genuinely trickier as its really good to work then as you realise your career will stall and finish earlier than you wanted it to if you don't. And you lose the best bits of work if you just let it drift, and keep the shitty bits. And nobody wants to do 1 hour on a Monday night, 20 minutes between karate club and after school.club on a Wednesday, and drop-off 7am on a Friday- plus 13 weeks of a sudden, random 10 hour day. That's not a job, and it's super hard to get cover. But I think it's still better to juggle it than just stop and not work yourself. Cost of Living is fearsome and your children will need the money you can earn.

If you're at work you're not parenting, but are always a parent.