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Original poster

Is this classed as abusive?

36 replies

Mlexapet · 18/08/2023 22:20

Telling our 4 yr old he 'better shut the f**k up or else'. My children's father thinks this isn't abusive and destructive whereas I certainly think it is. He thinks abuse is only physical. Apparently my parenting is just rubbish and my 4 yr old runs rings around me and whinges all the time because I let him get away with it. I obviously disagree. My children's father thinks by putting the fear of God into him is the way forward. I had a very abusive and traumatic childhood so my tolerance of abuse is really low and I pick up on absolutely everything. Am I reading too much into it and just being triggered by this (which is a me issue)? He is a great Dad despite his occasional outbursts.

OP posts:
Godlovesall26 · 20/08/2023 09:08

Godlovesall26 · 20/08/2023 09:04

Oh that’s awful other events OP, I’m sorry. You paint a hard picture even for you (walking on eggshells), from your OP when you said occasional outbursts I thought he got angry at him once in a while this way (not that it’s great either, but you see what I mean I guess).

Do you have the practical ability to leave (financial, etc. As I imagine with 3 very young children close in age you may not have worked a few years, and obviously right now you have a newborn. Would family support you ex house you? As you mentioned leaving, and I agree with your reasons.

Just a thing : when I asked about siblings I meant your husband, they may be the only ones he’d listen to re what actually happened in their childhood. That’s why I also asked if they had children perhaps.

Show quote history

Other posters will surely have advice on how to do this better than I could suggest, but have you spoken to your GP etc about it ? For contact after separation I’d want it to be supervised

Groutyonehereagain · 20/08/2023 09:12

He is not a great dad, he’s horrible.

Godlovesall26 · 20/08/2023 09:14

I just saw you were divorced, at least he can’t drive you insane by dragging that out with expensive fees.
Definitely claim CMS and to hell with him. How much does he earn ? You don’t have to answer precisely, just an idea to see if he’d actually have to contribute a decent amount or really not at all.

Godlovesall26 · 20/08/2023 09:15

Godlovesall26 · 20/08/2023 09:14

I just saw you were divorced, at least he can’t drive you insane by dragging that out with expensive fees.
Definitely claim CMS and to hell with him. How much does he earn ? You don’t have to answer precisely, just an idea to see if he’d actually have to contribute a decent amount or really not at all.

Apologies, I saw you were not married.
Do you have any assets though, and in whose name ?
Sorry for all the questions

Mammma91 · 20/08/2023 09:20

Yes OP, he is abusive and just nasty. 4 year olds run rings around you, they’re wingy, loud & disruptive. It’s what 4 year olds do! He feels nice and safe around you hence why (to put it politely) he’s a bit more of a pain in the arse around you - just like mine with me!

Your absolutely right to stand up for your sweet boy.

Godlovesall26 · 20/08/2023 09:25

Mammma91 · 20/08/2023 09:20

Yes OP, he is abusive and just nasty. 4 year olds run rings around you, they’re wingy, loud & disruptive. It’s what 4 year olds do! He feels nice and safe around you hence why (to put it politely) he’s a bit more of a pain in the arse around you - just like mine with me!

Your absolutely right to stand up for your sweet boy.

Yes, true for the safe person. And you’ll be proving that to him. At 4 he can recover, although play therapy etc would probably help with that. But at that age their understanding is rapidly developing so the longer you wait the more he’ll suffer.

Justcallmebebes · 20/08/2023 09:26

Peridot1 · 20/08/2023 09:00

So he is verbally abusive, emotionally abusive and physically abusive.

How is any of that a great Dad?

This. His behaviour is so unacceptable. I'd give him an ultimatum to seek therapy and take parenting classes. If he refuses, you should leave to protect your children

He is not a good father or partner, by the sounds of it

OilOfRoses · 20/08/2023 09:27

No-one should speak to anyone like that.

You know what's going to happen, don't you? Your son is going to go to preschool/school and say that to a student, which will make the teacher take note.

Godlovesall26 · 20/08/2023 09:31

Justcallmebebes · 20/08/2023 09:26

This. His behaviour is so unacceptable. I'd give him an ultimatum to seek therapy and take parenting classes. If he refuses, you should leave to protect your children

He is not a good father or partner, by the sounds of it

Show quote history

I’d leave as soon as possible, then suggest an ultimatum if he wants a decent co-parenting relationship at least (or frame it as getting back together even if you have no intention to, whatever you need to do, at least by not being married you have this flexibility).

OP said sadly he has no interest in therapy, not surprisingly really as he sees nothing wrong. Unfortunately it could take ages to convince him, and she says he mostly flies off the handle when feeling wronged.

Godlovesall26 · 20/08/2023 09:33

OilOfRoses · 20/08/2023 09:27

No-one should speak to anyone like that.

You know what's going to happen, don't you? Your son is going to go to preschool/school and say that to a student, which will make the teacher take note.

Yes I said that earlier as I thought it also, but before the update so I was unsure.
And they will ask you why you didn’t protect them

jannier · 20/08/2023 11:17

It's abuse no debate and not fair on your child.

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