Highly sensitive o'r PDA?

[Louisec128]

Hey everyone. Just looking for some opinions really. Our 3.5 son is displaying (and has for some time) some traits that are making me and my husband question whether there's anything other than normal "threenager" behaviour going on. Husband seems to think he's showing Pathological Demand Avoidance traits, but I think they're more like Highly Sensitive child traits. I'll list some things below that make up his profile, but also might be worth noting that he is rather advanced for his age, great understanding and has fabulous vocabulary in 2 languages. Also, a lot of his traits I do see in myself (I have anxiety, hate changes, overthink a lot and like control).

• thinks very deeply and always asking "why" questions, and has a good memory too
• very rigid, if we've allowed him to do something in the past then don't on another occasion he'll say "before I was allowed to"
• very emotionally intelligent, if I'm upset he recognises immediately and asks "would you like a hug?"
• doesn't cope well with changes to plans and likes to know things in advance (where we're going, who's coming)
• particular about clothing, doesn't like things too loose/rough fabrics (although loves swimming/playing in sand/mud etc)
• sensitive about smells, and likes to smell things like candles, flowers, spices when we cook etc
• extreme mood swings, when he's upset he is extremely upset and when he's angry he screams bloody murder, and likewise gets very hyperactive when playing. Settling him at pre school took months (tearful drop offs)
• takes time to warm up in social settings and very shy with new people
• use to want me dressed in certain ways, for example when he was younger he'd hate me wearing my glasses or having wearing my hair down
• likes playing roleplay
• use to sleep poorly but actually pretty decent now, wakes up once normally but just walks to our bed
• seems to get along better with older kids, but not sure if this is because he's perhaps more advanced for his ages that he doesn't get as frustrated (when other kids, those of the same age, don't share or behave in ways that we've taught him is "right" he gets extremely frustrated, he use to hit and it took us a while to break that habit but thankfully that stage has passed and now he chooses to walk away and play with someone else)

Just curious to see what your experiences are so we can support him the best we can, especially when it comes to disciplining bad behaviour as husband and I clash here. Thank you.

The PDA society has really good information about PDA and the best strategies to use.

There isnt anything in your list that screams PDA to me as you dont mention demands.

No which is why I think it's more HS. Although he does do a lot of "bargaining" when asked to do things, or "nagotiates".

Honestly sounds like a typical 3.5 year old who is maybe a bit advanced? I have a 4 year old and think a lot of those things are similar to mine except the mood swings which is something he will likely grow out of. If you are really worried you could ask for an assessment to be done but based on what youve said I don't know if he would meet criteria for a referral. I worked with a child who had a diagnosis of PDA and his behaviour was extremely violent to the point he had to work with a 1 to 1 assistant in school in a separate room as he was consistently hitting other children and staff

Yeah I think a lot of normal toddler behaviour can be seen as "symptoms" of everything and anything in a way I guess. And tbh some days (today) there are literally no meltdowns/screaming etc. I personally do feel like he's very sensitive and feels things intensly. Like today he tried his school uniform on for Sept and he didn't like how the t shirt felt, or the button on his trousers, he prefers to wear leggings. So it could just be that he's very particular.

Why does DH think it's PDA?

Is it causing him issues? If not, watch and wait noting down any thing you are particularly aware of that seems unusual. Enjoy your son for who he is and perhaps start saving towards a private diagnosis so that you can skip the NHS 4+ year wait in the future if you need it.

At the moment he sounds like a neurotypical child learning his way in the world. In low support needs children (verbal, attends mainstream education etc) ASD / PDA will show up more blatantly at times of change often at the start of Primary or more frequently at the start of Secondary as the environment and demands put upon them changes.

I wouldnt read too much into a finicky 3 year old as they often grow out of these phases, it's if it continues beyond the normal age range and causes issues that you need to intervene. For example at 3 my DD hated hand dryers, perfectly normal for a three year old to dislike a loud noise so close to their head, however DD is now 5ft 10 and in her teens and still believes hand dryers are the work of the devil and won't go into a toilet with them unless she has noise cancelling headphones on.

Yeah you're right. And really, although he took time to settle at preschool, I was actually anticipating this as he'd never been without me/dad/my mum before and is very attached to me (was born before first lockdown). And tbh hes perfectly fine whilst he's there now, had one incident with another toddler but this was isolated and had been going now for 6 months. And I also struggle with change, so this could be a trait I've passed down too. A lot of stuff I worried about a year ago let's say, no lo ger exists. So as you say, it could just be a phase, especially with him being so sensitive and us welcoming a new baby 6 months ago too...

I'm a teacher in a school for children with Autism and Challenging Behaviour. We have a cohort of children with a PDA profile. Nothing in your op would suggest PDA to be honest. It suggests a wilful pre schooler, perhaps with some sensory issues - noise/fabrics etc.

late to this thread but you could be writing about my daughter who’s about to turn 4.
except she is experiencing anger issues and hitting/lashing out and sometimes will come from nowhere.
I’ve been looking at whether she is HS or PDA because she ticks a lot of the boxes for PDA including mean/hurtful comments and violence but is ok at school. She hates praise and rewards.
however the ‘demand’ avoidance isn’t all the time and she will happily help me when it’s her suggestion.
she also refuses to wear clothes.. ever. Getting to school is a daily struggle.
also looking for advice and best course of action.

We seem to be better lately, in terms of the behaviour outbursts, although there have been a couple in the past week (I think it could be school and the half term break is needed!) We have created a feelings wheel and placed it on the fridge, that's helped. Learnt that feeling shy makes him upset and angry. Consistency has also helped, we take him to his room when he kicks off until he's calk, and now we've reached a point where he'll say "I'm ready", when he's calmed enough to come out of his room. It is still hard to hear him upset though, because he feels things so intensely.

PDA is on the autism spectrum. To be honest, your DS behaviour traits suggest ASD but not specifically PDA. My DD who is on the ASD assessment pathway now was very similar as a pre-schooler and I thought she was just highly sensitive. I didn't think she could have ASD as she had very good language skills. It would be worth discussing with your GP or Health Visitor.

Should add, my DD showed no issues at school at all until about Year 4/5.

I dont agree tbh, for example the last 2 months a lot of the bullet points mentioned above no longer exist. We also had a parents evening last week and his teacher is also the schools additional learning needs specialist, and she said there are no concers at all... A phase perhaps? I definitely think it's HS in my opinion...

How’s your son now ?