Should I send my autistic son to nursery?

[Listen2YourMother]

Hi, just looking for some advice as I’m in a pickle.

My son is 2.5 years, he’s on the spectrum, just waiting for a formal diagnosis. I’m entitled to 15 free hours for him and planned to start taking him to nursery in September.
Thing is, there’s a few reasons I’m questioning whether it’s the right thing for our family right now. My main concern is obviously if he will cope with the noise, sound and change. He’s has regular meltdowns daily as it so I’m worried they’ll worsen. Also germs, I have a 7 month old daughter and my health isn’t great right now, I’m immunocompromised so it’s stressful to think about all the bugs he will bring back. I guess I’m just saying, my son appears happy in his predicable bubble and he has little friends although he’s not interested in them, I do make an effort for him to go to see them. I feel bad dropping him off there because there’s no reason I can’t take care of him, I’m home anyway and also he’s non verbal so he doesn’t speak or understand I’m going to be picking him up.

what would you do?

@WooYa the school told me it’s all or nothing regarding the hours, 15 hours or none. I thought that was the case for all funded hours?

@bryceQ not heard of them no! I was told that he had enough evidence because I have a key worker who comes to my house once a week to observe his behaviour to get the diagnosis. I’ve been told it might take up to 3 years if the paediatrician requires an autism assessment

It's so confusing the system.

Have a look if you have portage locally, it's a free service from local authority who comes to your house to do play therapy

You can book him in for the 15 hours but you don't have to send him for the full time, especially if he gets overstimulated/overwhelmed/unsettled etc... I know that my charges have to attend for a certain amount of hours so I can claim their funding but essentially, I can't force parents to bring their children in. I'd talk to them about shorter sessions with a view to build up if he settles

And definitely look up portage in your area. My worker was a god send for DS and I still work with her now for my nursery children

Nursery was traumatic for my autistic kiddo. I did it because I was told it would help with diagnosis. Instead I got a traumatised kid and no support with the resulting extreme meltdowns. My child now isn't in school as no school can meet his needs even with such extreme behaviours I paid for private diagnosis as it's years wait otherwise. I regret nursery massively. I'm a childminder and he had all he needed from me but I was talked into it to help get the diagnosis.

If childminder is an option I would go for that because nursery is just too much for many autistic kids. But they are all different. If yours isn't bothered by noise and isn't bothered by changes in the adult responsible you may find the routine at nursery benifical

If your son is violent and poses a risk to the other children that will be brushed off dont send him- it isn't fair on the other children- otherwise do so.

A school nursery might be the best sort for him as is likely to be more structured than some nurseries. Mine went to nursery and it was really good for him - but he already knew a lot of the children from toddler group and knew the church hall where it was held. He was also verbal which obviously makes a big difference. If he can settle at school nursery though and then move up to school with those same children it could really help with him with starting school.

It would probably be really helpful to him to recognise the children that start with him if at all possible and the more visits you can do with him to the setting and to meet the teacher and TA the better. You might even want to take him to the school at drop off and pick up times and just watch with him from a distance - the more small steps you can put in to help him feel comfortable the better.

Maybe you could sign him up for the 15 hours so they can get the funding but agree that he will have a very staggered start so that he can learn that you will be coming to pick him up. If you can go in with him and settle him/get him engaged then that may also help. Tell them what he loves playing with or what he's really into - whether that's trains, road signs, telephones or whatever.

Sadly you might find that while they're telling you he has to attend for 15 hours so they can get the funding they may also be phoning you every day after a short time asking you to pick him up as they can't manage. Hopefully I'm wrong but you might have a long hard fight for him to get the support he needs. He is entitled to a nursery education though. Talk to the SENCO and get as much put in place for him as you possibly can. Hopefully the school will be really supportive and clued up - sadly that's not been my experience of primary school SENCO's.

You won't know until you send him, it's not all or nothing. Send him give it a few months and see how it goes, if it doesn't work then you can modify your approach.

Parts of the school day are very structured so that should work well. How he copes with the noise and other parts of the school day will be a learning curve for everyone. DD used to be exhausted when she came home, I didn't know at the time she had ASD, she's at Secondary now but always factor in an hour of decompression after school to help reregulate and have lots of quite time at home and minimal demands.

A younger sibling of DDs friend has ASD and several other conditions, going to the school nursery worked out really well for them as he learnt about the school environment and staff got to know him which has been invaluable as he moved up the school, they were able to pick up early, do alternate days as necessary as they had an Ehcp in place.

Nursery is probably the worst thing we did to DD, she was fine for a while but by 3.5 had MH problems she's not going to school.

Listen to you gut and be prepared to change course quickly when needed.

You can just take up some of the hours but it may be nursery policy that it's all or nothing.

With regard to diagnosis I'm not aware of anyone (in my area or other) getting an instant diagnosis from paediatrician. I believe pathway is the route. We saw paediatrician who agreed potential autism and referred to pathway. We waited 14m on pathway (2017/18 ) and then had three appointments. The first two were assessment- ds was seen by a paediatrician, nursery nurse, Ed psych, salt, optician and audiology. Also had genetic testing. Third appointment was decision which was with Ed psych, salt and paediatrician.

During time on pathway nursery still put in sen support/had a Sen plan in place and gathered evidence for ehcp and ds got some 1:1 funded hours. We were also able to claim dla/carers based on paediatrician report.

If the nursery can support him then I would send him. You can always take him out if he doesn't seem to be doing ok there but you won't know if you don't try.

I’m in a similar situation and also in two minds, but my DD will be 3 next month and I was thinking of sending her in a couple of mornings a week then building up to a few days once the 30 hours funding starts in Jan.

Looking at day nurseries though, not school ones. I’m worried about her struggling in nursery and not being able to cope, but not sure what the answer is as I’m due back to work next year as currently on maternity leave with DC2.

I’m thinking all we can do is give it a go, see how they get on and then reassess. Even though it would only be a couple of mornings initially, I would welcome the ‘break’ and having the headspace to just focus on DC2.

She’s having home portage visits but they’ve only just started and will stop once she starts nursery and change to visits at nursery once a term or so.

@PPonche at 3 the portage changes over to the specialist teacher service. Most settings have a great relationship with the specialist teaching service and whilst the visits are more spaced out, the support and advice is still there

@WooYa depends where you are, DD started portage at 4. I've seen others say it doesn't go past 3 though where they live