Am I a horrible person for not wanting my husband to climb the ladder at work (for now)?

[MCMP13]

Hubby wants to do a degree in management (funded by us, not a loan) to go up the ladder at work and I don’t want him to do it anytime soon - is that bad? Our baby has just turned 1, we both want another baby in the next couple of year and are comfortable financially. Am I awful for telling him I don’t want him to do it?

My reasons are that it will take up a lot of his already limited spare time and 2 under 3 is hard work but also I feel like our babies aren’t babies for long and we should treasure this time? Not add extra stress, but I don’t know if I’m weird thinking this so I am curious of others opinions.

It could build resentment if he doesn’t do it. There is also a risk if he puts it off that he misses the opportunity to climb the ladder and gets left behind.
Would he ever stop you doing something that you wanted to do?
You keep saying babies but you currently have one. You can’t use a hypothetical child in your argument, I think you are being unfair tbh.

Will not having this qualification hold him back?
How long has he wanted to do it?
How long will it take?
Can you afford it?
Will it impact any other plans such as house moves, your own career plans etc?
When do you think would be a good time?

I think you are being unfair to be honest? Who bears the majority of the financial responsibility at the moment? If it's him and this will continue including funding maternity leave then I think you are being a bit selfish sorry? If a woman had come on here and said her husband was refusing to support her bettering herself career wise he would be roasted alive

I agree with you OP. I think with two very small children you would need to be fully on board, as it'll be you picking up the slack with childcare. It's not fair for him to make the decision unilaterally when it also affects you.

Can he leave it a couple of years without affecting his job prospects too much?

What's the degree and what's the proposed setup (e.g. part time 2 modules a term...)

I did a management degree apprenticehsip through work - they paid for it completely, and it had a limited impact on my working week.

I attended an off site 'lecture' once a month and the rest was linked completely to my work.

My portfolio of evidence was of the work I was already doing and I sat exams, managed a project & presented it to the assessor all in works time but it had clear links to the work I was already doing.

It was fantastic & I thoroughly recommend it. It improved my knowledge & skills & I got a much better job within a few months of finishing it.

Is there anyway he can do similar through his work? If his employer is large enough they will have to pay into the 'apprenticeship levy' direct to the government & if they do it makes sense for their own employees to benefit rather than the government coffers.

Partnerships should be about lifting each other up.

If it’s a convenient excuse to get out of family responsibilities and chores then I can see why you’d be questioning it. If it’s genuinely to better his prospects and provide more career opportunities, growth, stimulation, satisfaction, financial security, role model for the kids, then why not?

Sounds like you may have mismatching levels of ambition, which can be tricky to manage.

How old are you both? Settling for a comfortable life now may mean you remain at that level of comfort forever. Only you two can decide if that is fulfilling enough for you. Sounds like it’s not for your DH and he wants more.

I think he should do it. I know it's hard on you in the short term, but there's a massive long term gain for all of you if he does.

How long is the course? How many hours a week would he need to be at lectures? I don't think a future child that doesn't exist yet and may not exist for a number of years to come is a valid reason to hold him back.
2 years is a long time in a professional setting to not show any ambition. If you didn't conceive for another 2 years (hypothetically), when would you realistically be 'OK' with him advancing? When the youngest is 2, 3?

If he is looking for something specifically to advance at work, is a self funded management degree really the best option? I cant imagine his work will want an employee who's shattered from having a 1 year old and studying for a degree on top of work. I definitely wouldn't encourage an employee to do that.

I thought you meant literally climb a ladder, as in because he might get hurt.
I was popping along to say that's understandable as my dad fell off a ladder and broke both his elbows. Sorry!! Completely pointless point made

Can he delay it for a while? If it's something he really wants can he do it at a better time instead

I think it’s incredibly important to support each others career choices. You may need to pick up the slack a little whilst he completes his degree but in a few years time, you may be the one who wants to progress in a role and complete a degree. If you try and prevent your husband doing this now, it may negatively impact you in the future.

Honestly I think you are being a bit unreasonable. Think of the long term gain, and the future benefits for your child(ren)

Really thank you for your opinions.

We are in our late 20s and are going to start trying next year for baby number 2. I assumed he could do something when that baby is a toddler and we don’t have to do a newborn stage with him studying I guess.

He wouldn’t be doing it during work hours it would be 8 hours a week lectures and then self study and assignment time on top of that. Unfortunately he can’t do it through work - would be amazing if he could! If he had a job lined up that he needed it for I would understand more I guess but he’s doesn’t.

He doesn’t support me financially even whilst on maternity and we genuinely are comfortable for money - we are very lucky in that respect. It would purely be for career progression purposes. I think we are just different people career wise and have difference in views.

A delay of two to three years in your late 20s is really nothing. Eight hours of lectures (Saturday?) and self study (two evenings a week say?) is loads. It'd be impossible for him to give you the same time out for yourself. I'm surprised he's asking you to make such a sacrifice. I honestly couldn't get on board with it when it's not now or never.

Actually easier to do when they are babies than when they get to two and above. I know right now you can't imagine anything other than these babies but they take up way more time, attention and headspace as they get older. Once you start factoring in school, clubs and friendships time becomes even more precious. I did a degree when my child was only months old and I really think it was the right timing.

Was about to say exactly this.

I'd have never been able to imagine it back when DS was a baby, but he's almost 5 now and due to start school in a couple of weeks and the mentally energy it takes to parent him now is infinitely more than when he was a year old. And I guess that's only going to increase once we have to factor in homework, extra curricular activities, etc.

If your DH is confident he can take on the level of work required for the course whilst still being a present parent and doing his share of the work around the house, etc, then personally I'd encourage him to crack on. It won't get any easier.

Mental*

Depends, will you be working even if part time once mat leave ends? In which case I don't think you are being unreasonable as there is then a risk all chores and child care would fall to you, and that's not okay.
However if you are a sahp then, purely going on what you have said, then yes I think you are being unreasonable, simply because in our dying economy there is no such thing as a job for life anymore, and extra qualifications means should the worst happen, he'll have more employability.
However only you know how you finances fall, and only you know if this could cause major quakes in your marriage.
I would say having children is generally exhausting so he may change his mind in a few more months!

You are being unreasonable the world does not stop because people have children

Hopefully not, but you might not fall pregnant right away. So he could be waiting a long time. I think whilst the kids are younger it's easier. Rather than having to deal with them at school, weekend activities etc.

WingedHermesI was going to say the same.

Courses often quote a set amount of hours but it's possible to do them in less if you're organised.

Children are only little once, but the pressure to treasure every moment is something that society tends to unfairly place on mothers. Expecting him to put his career development on hold for an indefinite period of time for a hypothetical future child to get to an arbitrary age is unfair in my opinion and is likely to lead to resentment.

You sound incredibly short sighted. You also sound like you are thinking in terms of 'I want now' rather than 'what is best for the family in the long run'.

@MCMP13 Just to address the emotional side rather than just the career side of the equation. I think it's easy to think "oh our babies will only be babies for such a short time, he's missing it", but I think for a lot of men the baby age is not necessarily the most interesting/special, but some of the future ages will be more special to him and equally as short.

For example you are only 5 years old for one year and maybe that's the year he teaches DC to ride a bicycle... Only 12 years old for one year and that's the year they first go fishing together... Only 16 years old for one year and that's the year he teaches them to drive... If he wants to do the course within the next 20 years he'll have to sacrifice one of these years at least. And for men I think many of these years are more special than the baby years (obviously everyone is different of course).