Possible ASD toddler won't engage with me

[Robinbuildsbears]

My 21mo daughter and I have gotten into a rut and I'm finding it hard to know what to do with her. She's non verbal and ignores almost anything I say or do. Her wants revolve around eating almost nothing but biscuits or sausages, playing with her stacking cups, going on the swings at the park and watching Bluey. Just constant Bluey everyday. She used to babble and wave and roar like a lion and stick her tongue out when I asked/did so myself, but she gave up on those things once she learnt to walk and has basically not developed since then.

If I try to read with her she snatches the book away to flick through by herself, too quickly for me to tell her what the pictures are. If I try to show her toys or books she will deliberately look anywhere else, won't look at me or what I'm trying to show her. I try and do a running commentary of our actions to try and teach her words, but it's like I'm not even here so I will often just give up and let Bluey do the talking for us. I try to sing her nursery rhymes but she doesn't care. I try to show her animal toys but she doesn't care. I put on pop music and try to dance with her, but she just removes herself from me.

She enjoys when my husband grabs and tickles her and chucks her around and hangs her upside down and helps her to do rolls and flips, but I'm not strong enough to do those things with her much. I feel like she doesn't like me and I don't know how to get her to engage with me at all, outside of the few activities she enjoys. Even then she gets bored of me after a few minutes and goes off to continue the activities by herself.

Does anyone have any ideas of how to get her to want to learn or play new things? Family members say I need to engage with her more but she just chooses to ignore me, and gets upset when I stop her from doing her own thing by herself. It's really disheartening to see other toddlers learning all sorts and mine just falling further and further behind.

Is she involved in SALT? They would be able to give advice around activities to encourage her speech and communication.

Sounds like you're trying really hard but maybe haven't found something is interested in yet, if you suspect ASD maybe look into some of the techniques used to engage. Regardless play should be child led, see what she wants to do and take it from there ( maybe look at reducing screen time)

Trust your gut. I had an inkling my son was autistic at the same age and wasted a long time believing every person who said daft things like “He’ll wake up one day speaking in full sentences, just you wait!”

Ring your HV and ask about the two year check. Because I had concerns they said they’d bring it forward (typically was doing them around 2.5). That was the point at which we entered the system but my son wasn’t diagnosed until he was 5.

He did start talking in earnest at around 3.5. He’s an amazing kid and super smart. But the early years were hard, so I sympathise 💐

The loving being thrown around sounds very sensory seeking. A huge asd thing.
you need to get some professional input.

Have a look into 'intensive interaction' it's an approach often recommended by SALT.

Maybe get some advice regarding asd. But also, I would suggest stop the ‘learning’ angle and try something more fun. Bubbles, water play, play dough, Include some novelty and see if she’s more willing to engage. Let her lead and just be there to react and enjoy.

Thank you everyone for replying. I asked my health visitor for advice when she came to check on my newborn, and she recommended the BBC tiny happy people website to try to encourage speech, and that she'll refer us for speech therapy if she's not speaking by the two year check. She agrees that ASD might be a possibility, she saw that my daughter doesn't respond to her name and sometimes walks around on her tiptoes.

Some of my family are convinced that she's autistic (my mum always gleefully calls her special) but my dad doesn't like to put a label on her and that she'll just develop when she's ready. Like Jellycats4life said, my husband's family are always telling me that she'll suddenly come out with full sentences. But I think they're just comparing her to my nephew who's a few weeks older and already knows probably hundreds of words and dozens of songs. I know it's not helpful to compare but it's difficult to not when they're so close in age.

I'll have a look into intensive interaction, and keep trying new sensory games like play doh and sand and water. I'll also get some books about ASD in toddlers, I've just been reluctant to label her at such a young age and worry that I'm overthinking it. Thank you for the advice

Don't think of asd as a label, but a diagnosis that opens doors to support. Agree with trying sensory play, such as bubbles, playdough, gloop (cornflour and water), shaving foam.

“Label” is just an ableist word people throw around because they think it’s better for a child to be undiagnosed than go through life with a big sign around their neck saying AUTISTIC.

Its just ignorance - sometimes coming from a place of love, sometimes not.

It’s a bit like a child being diagnosed as hearing impaired and parents saying “Whoa! Let’s not slap a label on them! Don’t give her hearing aids! Just shout a bit louder when you talk to her and she’ll get there in the end”.

It’s OK to be afraid of autism, and to not want your child to be autistic. My only advice at this age is don’t refuse paediatric/speech therapy referral if offered. Just accept any support offered, tempting as it is to just wait a bit longer to see if she catches up by herself.

My daughter is almost 3 and currently we are having similar struggles with food and screen time. She engages with me and enjoys songs and nursery rhymes, it took a lot of repetition over months and months though. She doesn’t copy actions in the songs but guides me to do them with her hands. She is also non-verbal.

Recently she has been engaging less with her toys and has always preferred running around, jumping, climbing, rough play. She won’t let me read to her but loves spending time looking through her books by herself.

We’ve had a couple of portage visits to develop her play skills but these are twice a month and will stop once she starts preschool soon.

She was referred to portage and NHS speech and language after low scores on the 2 year check, but unfortunately there are long waiting lists.

I wrote down a list of my concerns as I was worried about autism and took this to our GP and she’s been referred to a paediatrician. So maybe try that.

You sound like an amazing parent who is trying very hard. I know it feels like she will never engage with you at all, but she probably will. Both my autistic kids engage with me now, at their own level and in very different ways.

Do you have room for a trampoline in the garden? Also sand pit, water etc. If she’s sensory seeking she may love those. I agree with the comments about foam etc too. Anything messy (unless she hates mess, one of mine hates mess).

Anyway what I would do is play something yourself, don’t expect her to engage. Put on some music and have a dance. Throw a ball in the air. You can buy light up balls and spiked ones for sensory play. Blow bubbles in the garden. Maybe even buy (or make, if you are crafty) some Bluey figures and “play” with them yourself. You may find without the expectation for her to join in, she might come over. She may never play like you are, but she might be interested. Just for 5 minutes or so at first (unless she joins in, then keep going), if you fully expect her not to join in then anything is a bonus, even if she just watches you for a bit.

She’s still very little, so ASD or not I wouldn’t be too worried about her not engaging with you yet. It’s likely to get better. One of my kids is severely autistic and he still engages with me now (didn’t used to) and loves to be tickled etc. I’m not strong enough for the throwing around either.

Interesting to hear about the little ones with autistic traits who only like to look at books by themselves.

It might be that they can actually read, but because they aren’t yet talking, you don’t know it.

It was only when my son’s speech started to really develop that I realised he could read. He was a couple of months shy of four at the time. He’d walk around the supermarket with me reading the signs like “meat”, “fish”, “white bread”.

It’s called hyperlexia and most hyperlexic kids are autistic. Something to look out for 😄

@CupboardBedChair thank you, I think you're right that I need to change my mindset about her joining in with me when play near her. I just need to work on not feeling rejected by her!

@Ponche that's really sweet, her guiding you to do the nursery rhyme actions for her. Mine just guides me to the biscuit drawer!
My health visitor said that it was more her job than a GP to refer for this sort of thing, would a GP want to be seen about ASD for such a young baby? It's a right faff to try and see my GP, I'd hate to go through trying to get a hold of them just to be fobbed off.

@Jellycats4life I always have the subtitles on when she watches Bluey, so it'll be interesting to see if that's helping her learn how to read. We'll just have to wait for her to tell me one day 😄

Do you have Bluey toys? Could you speak via them? Use them to engage her?

@JessieJoJames We have Bluey plushies, but she doesn't much care about them. I think I'll have to try and get some figurines for her now she's a bit older, I tend to not buy her toys that say 3+ because she likes to bite her toys and books. I'll just be careful to only let her have them under super close supervision.

Developmental regression as you’ve described here warrants a trip to the doctor.

This is a brilliant description of why the word label is so bad.

Also about it being ok to be scared.

Things is someone without a diagnosis of autism that's autistic is still autistic!

If she loves sensory toys look at tunnels and soft play bricks etc that you ca get out at home. These are brilliant for starting intensive interaction type play and moving onto paired play.

I'd also recommend things like when you try and read a book and she takes it away sit a few feet away and read another book - a child one. Read some bits aloud. Point aloud to some pictures etc. model sharing a book and try and bring her to you but allowing her to take herself.

My ds was like this at that age (he is autistic) but developed speech eventually (not all children do) and will interact with people now but despite being very intelligent he still doesn't really like to interact and it tries him.

Diagnosis isn't prognosis and delayed speech gives no indication of level of severity. It's finding those ways in.

We have autism in the family. Both my DD’s are, in hindsight there were tell tale signs in those early years but it only really became apparent after they started school.

My niece is very similar to your Dd. She’s non verbal and unusually independent even at 20 months. She doesn’t seek any interaction unless it’s on her terms, doesn’t like hugs, gives little to no eye contact and doesn’t respond to her name.

Continue trying to engage in a way that works for her. Perhaps playing games or or singing songs she already recognises that mean something to her. For us niece will look over if you whistle or make an animal noise which sounds odd but it works. She’ll sometimes play peek-a-boo but then you’ll be stuck playing it for an hour. If you don’t feel strong enough for rough play, swinging seems to be a favourite Dn. I used to bundle mine up tightly in a towel like a hot dog after a bath and throw them on the bed which they loved! Find little ways of connecting with her. Remember she loves you even if she doesn’t show it in the way that you’d expect.

It’s a long road ahead, it’s very normal to be scared. You will be her biggest advocate, it’s best to get the ball rolling as soon as you can because NHS waiting lists are long.

I would have gone to the GP a few months earlier but I was in two minds as the health visitor made out that it will be a battle to get the GP to refer her. But luckily it was straightforward, he read my list of concerns, asked some questions and my daughter was with me (and running around the room exploring everything) so I guess he could see for himself that the concerns were valid.

My daughter is over a a year older than yours and a lot of her progress has been in the last 6 months or so, so don't give up hope. Just keep trying different things.

I'm trying to focus on building connection and having fun rather than learning for now. So simple games, nursery rhymes, singing part of a rhyme and pausing to see what she does/if she signals for me to carry on.

Try to incorporate her interests in your play. My daughter loves going on the swing and slide at the park, so I got the Duplo set that has the slide and swing pieces, made a simple park set up using those and the base board and then I'd slide the little figures down the slide and make them swing and then my daughter would copy me for a few minutes and then inevitably pull ll apart. Then sometimes she'd find the slide and swing pieces and bring them to me asking me to set them again.

She gets bored easily/has a short attention span so I do also just let her do her own thing. Maybe try having fewer toys out and rotating them once or twice a week or so.

Also look into the More Than Words book - https://www.amazon.co.uk/More-Than-Words-Communication-Children/dp/0921145144.

I found the first chapter of an older version online and it really resonated with me so I bought the latest version. You can read chapter 1 here - https://courses.washington.edu/sop/ArticLang/MoreThanWordsChap1.PDF.

I would have thought all toddlers love being thrown around.

@Robinbuildsbears just wondering how your daughter is getting on now? My son is almost exactly the same. Thanks for any advice you can give!

OP, you've had some great advice. I've got 2 delightful autistic kids and would say that following kids' interests is always the best policy. On the things you can do in place of hoisting her in the air is bilibo toy https://bebemoda.co.uk/products/bilibo-red. Or pop a big blanket or throw on the floor and make it into a little cocoon by holding the edges. You might be able to spin it or pull it around. Also she might like being wrapped into a burrito style shape in a blanket and rolled about.

But it's OK to play with her following her cues and just ignore what other people are telling you that they're doing with their kids.

Hey OP, just wondering how your little one turned out? Sounds identical to my toddler.