When will this get easier?

[AKM89]

Posting mostly to get my feelings out as there’s no one I can talk about this with in real life.

I had my second child in January, when my eldest was 20 months. I adored my first mat leave - my son was a dreadful sleeper but I did lots of naps on the go, and eventually night weaned at 14 months following which he slept through. But I loved getting to know my baby. I have hundreds of photos from that time.

However, I am finding life right now almost unbearable. My days are bookended by screaming from one or both children. My eldest is at nursery one day a week. The rest of the time I barely look at my baby because I am just chasing the toddler around. But equally I feel like I can’t enjoy my toddler because the baby wants to be held All. The. Time. This makes simple tasks like cooking meals feel totally impossible. I never get any time at all away from the children - my second is breastfed with allergies, won’t take a bottle, isn’t eating solids well, and won’t settle unless cosleeping. My toddler is trying to drop his nap, and I lived for those 1.5-2 hours so I could sit down and the baby could sleep on me. Now the baby won’t nap, I have to try and entertain the toddler when I’m teetering on what feels like literal exhaustion, and they’re both feral by the end of the day.

I don’t have any family support. My husband has a very busy job and spends most of every weekend working on our fixer upper. I have repeatedly told him I am reaching my limit, to no avail.

I do know that to a certain extent this is what life with young kids looks like and that two close together isn’t a walk in the park. However, I have seen friends easily escape for evenings by the stage we’re at now. I dread waking up the morning, and every minute of the day feels like a relentless struggle. I have totally stopped finding any joy in the children, despite them fact that I love them more than I can ever say. I just feel hopeless and can’t see beyond the next few difficult days. When will this get easier?

That's a tough age gap! Is there a reason your toddler is only in nursery one day a week? Our nursery has two days as a minimum because it's quite difficult for a child to settle for just one day. If it's due to cost, maybe splitting that day into two or three mornings might give you more of a break? For all your sakes, I would explore the option of sending your toddler more days to nursery. We have a 3.5 year age gap and the only way I managed the first year with two was my oldest going to preschool 3.5 days a week. That 1.5 days a week I had both (plus every day from 3pm) I found incredibly difficult, no idea how you're managing it!

Can you up the time the eldest is at nursery? Does the baby nap in the sling? My first is older but my baby only will sleep on me, and the sling gives some ability to also pay attention to DS1 while the baby sleeps. Does your fixer upper actually need work done to be usable or is it fine as is?

Im nowhere near as far along as you with 2 but I can contest that it is already really, really hard. Exponentially harder than one. I feel frazzled trying to meet both of their needs and usually someone is crying. I only have them both, on my own, 1.5 days a week as well! Can your older DC go to nursery more? I adore DC1 but his 3 days at pre school (8:30-16:00) are just so, so much easier and give me a few hours of peace and to focus on DC2.

I know exactly how you feel, I had a 17 month old when I had my second son!

It is very difficult because babies just want to be held and you have a toddler so active and up to mischief.

I found that when we stayed at home I was sooooo fed up. I heard a celebrity say on a TV program he has boys and he used to take them out and tire them out so I started taking the boys out in the morning and either travel back when it was their nap time or get back just before their nap feed them and put them down for a nap as well as having a nap myself.

For your own sanity make sure your 20 month continues his naps! Try your best to sync the baby's nap with the toddler and you also nap as well. The afternoon nap keeps you sane. I know it can be hard sometimes but most important thing is to get the 20 month old down for a nap. He is too hyper and you need that break.

When my eldest dropped his nap I was omg what am I going to do! I love my kids but I loved it when they napped!!

Kids climb the walls at home so definitely try and take them out in the morning.

Forget about the house, cleaning and cooking... Tell your hubby you need a cleaner if he does not want to chip in. Yes he is doing a doer upper but he can spend some evenings at home helping.

You need a couple of nights off.

It does get easier a little bit the older they get. When my second was walking he used to just chase the eldest around and be less clingy.

My biggest advice is take them out in the morning, they will get tired and sleep at lunchtime. Make sure they have lunch before you get into the car or get home so they literally go to sleep in the car or as soon a s you get home.

When they sleep you relax! Don't cook, clean or tidy up, just relax or sleep. You can do all of that when they are awake.

I have three now and it's manic having two older children and a toddler!!

I had a 23 month age gap and found the first year brutal… hardest year of my life. It got way easier around 18 months and it’s been super easy since the youngest turned 2.5.

I know it seems a long way away at the moment but honestly it gets better, so much so I’m now expecting number 3!

I found the mental load eased significantly when I returned to work after the second turned 1. 23 month age gap and 1st dropped naps at 27 months which was torture but baby would settle. Baby was a velcro baby also so felt like things never got done. We still co-sleep now (youngest just turned 2) after first wake up. Night weaned her at 15months and she dropped all feeds not much after that. It's so much easier now that the baby is safer on her feed and more independent again. The months where she was learning were awful. But things do get better than they are now 😊

I would go back to work, even pt. Use nursery for both. Not quite such a small age gap but I lasted five months with two until I returned. This bit was hideous, no family help so I outsourced it.
Twenty years on never a single regret. All bonded just fine and my mental health intact.

I'm sorry you're going through this OP.

How old if your baby?

I have a 17 month gap and it was absolutely brutal. I identified with every thing you said.

It does get better. Mine are 3 and 5 now.

In the early days I had a mothers help. She'd come in every morning at 7 and stay with me until 12.

It worked out cheaper than nursery and I also wasn't ready to send mine off at that age.

Once my eldest was 2ish I enrolled him in nursery for the mornings a few times a week.

The stage you're in now is honestly the worst part but it gets so much better

I should also say my youngest dropped his nap at ten months, the same time he started walking 🙈

There was absolutely no peace in our house!

So you have a much smaller gap than me so I don't make too many helpful suggestions I'm afraid but a few thoughts:

• Is it financially viable to bump eldest's nursery days to two a week? My eldest was in nursery two days a week when I had DC2 and that was a big help. It was nice to have two calmer days where I could just focus on the baby, could sit nap trapped, could go to baby groups etc.
• DH sounds like an issue. I get hes not just out on his jollies at the weekends but you say you've told him you are struggling a d he's failing to support you. Sounds like he CBA with the hard work of caring for his own kids which lets face it is much harder than DIY. Have a frank conversation with him, he needs to parent his own children some of the time!
• Sling/baby carrier for baby sometimes I'd they want to be held so at least you have your hands free?

Thanks everyone for your replies. I was fully expecting to be told to just get on with it, so I am relieved to hear others have struggled and it isn’t just me. Everyone’s replies have actually spurred me on to get in touch with nursery to see if they have space to up my eldest’s days - we dropped him down to 1 day a week because that’s kind of the thing to do in my husband’s family. Not really sure why I haven’t questioned that before. But one or two more days alone with the baby would I think help me to enjoy both the baby and time with my toddler more.

Also, sorry if it was confusing - age gap is 20 months but toddler is currently 27 months and baby is 7.

Re the sling, I do try and use that as much as possible but I do find it a bit inhibiting and also whilst the baby will nap there it’s really only catnaps. I already try and get out every morning (baby has first nap in pram whilst my toddler goes for a long walk with me). I may have to alter my routine so baby naps in carrier for first nap and in pram for post lunch nap.

The DIY is I think pretty essential unfortunately but I do remain of the view there’s an element of trying to get out of the day to day drudgery of parenting. I could return to work early but I’m the main breadwinner with a very stressful job so I suspect I’d just end up working full time and picking up all the parenting slack all before I’ve managed to get a handle on the baby’s sleeps.

thanks so much again everyone for your stories.

I'm a couple of months further on with the youngest (9 months) and also have a 3.5 year old, so slightly easier in terms of communication etc. It is absolutely relentless. I've found the last few weeks marginally easier when the baby started to crawl and be slightly less needy all of the time, and actually wants to be put down so they can crawl about.

Don't get me wrong, there's still times daily it feels like we're all just crying together, but it does feel like it's easing by degree. Hopefully it will for you too

I have a nearly 3 month old and 20 month old. Baby has reflux, colic, will only nap in carrier, only happy 30ish min after each wake.. if has eye contact or in sling. She also is extremely difficult to breastfeed but i dont want to give up.

Didn't expect it to be this hard! Luckily, once she's eventually gone to sleep at night (after walking her around in sling with white noise for sometimes over an hour and then cuddled in bed for 20min plus she'll sleep reasonably well, so long as co sleeping

All I can give is moral support xx

Have a look into Home Start - they have volunteers who may be able to offer support. Even if it's just an hour for you to have a shower or do a bit of housework. Sounds really tough. Hope you feel able to get some help xx

OP I completely missed the part about your DH and the doer upper.

My advice is don't make a rod for you own back by madly rushing to solve this issue yourself.

Present him with the situation you're facing and ask him to help find a solution.

Your children are a joint enterprise. It's not fair that you're doing the lions share and your requests for help are being ignored. Absolutely not on!