Quit my job to be a SAHM?

[AleenaM]

Quitting job for last year of preschool & to make a happier home 🏡 Looking for input & experience of doing the same.

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I have two children, one is going to school next summer and the other one after 2 years.

They're in nursery 4days a week and I work 5days over 4.5days. My husband is pretty much doing the same. We struggle to keep on top of the house, I never manage to work enough, and I feel like the kids don't like nursery and it's reflecting in their behaviour.

I'm in an average paid job with average satisfaction, and things got more unfriendly the past one year at work, which is also tipping me over in my decisions.

Looking to reduce my hours to 2.5days a week with children at nursery 2.5 or 3 days a week, this would leave me with the same income and presumably more time. I feel guilty already for not doing it earlier. My kids have been in nursery for the past 2 years, my job leaves me with 800pounds tops, no satisfaction and nearly no time for a happy family.

What I really want to do and don't have courage to, is quit altogether. I need opinions from anyone who's quit to spend more time with kids before school & to keep on top of the house better & better mental health. My husband also has a side husttle and in my mind if I take care of the home mostly myself, this might leave him more time to develop his side business more and make us a happier family. I have some savings so I am not scared financially to quit and I would hope that once I have a break I would get into a side hustle too. Both of us have family abroad so I would use the free year to also go and stay abroad with family(grandparents) for longer than I would on annual leave- say one month at a time.

The other option is to request a 1y career break, although my work don't offer this (no HR guidance on it). I work in a Local Gov Auth (non teaching)

If you've done this, how does it work? Do you regret it? I feel I woulf regret more if I don't and this time in my oldest s life passes. Any input welcome 🙏

I would explore the possibilities of taking a career break first.

If you (as a family) can afford it and everyone (ie you and your husband) agree then go for it.

My husband also has a side husttle and in my mind if I take care of the home mostly myself, this might leave him more time to develop his side business more and make us a happier family.

That sounds like you’ll be working less so that he can work more? How does he feel about it? What will be your immediate income change be if you gave up work? Would you not have any nursery fees?

There’s risks and rewards to this just like with anything
Personally, I wouldn’t quit work I would certainly explore a career break first
you sound like you don’t love your job so maybe that’s an issue?
it also sounds like your DH will work more whilst you do less paid work - is he happy about that?
finally If you do quit, think about impact on your pension, NI contributions, savings, skills and so on - can be hard to build those back up

I would try reducing your hours first and see how you find it.

If your DH works more you might feel that you are alone with the kids a lot and don’t get any weekend/family time together.

Personally, I would drop down to 2.5 days, and use some of the time they are in nursery to build other career options

Could you support yourself in the event of divorce or death?

If no, then you'd be mad to risk your future in this way.

I would just drop your days to 2 or 2.5.

If you’re in the UK then doesn’t your eldest have 30 free hours at nursery anyway? Since you both work.

Have you considered moving their nursery? It’s unusual for them both to be unhappy at nursery.

I wouldn’t quit work, simply because it’s unfair pressure on your husband, and what would you do, just never work again? Even when both kids are in school all day?

I'd want the following discussed

your not having a pension. So putting funds into a private pension for you from DHs salary is a must (although thankfully you are married so if you separated you'd have claim on his anyways)

access to money. All his wage should go into a joint account and any discussions on savings/private spending money should result in equal amounts for both of you

his side hustle will be treated as a hobby, so his time spent on it shouldn't eat into you having equivalent time away from the house/kids

whilst you shoulder as much as you can Mon-Fri, he still does his share of evening stuff like bathtime, dinner etc, and weekends is shared parenting and shared housework (if any left over from the week)

he recognises and appreciates that you are still working, it's just unpaid work for the family, rather than paid work as an employer

if and when you want or need to get back into the workplace, everything gets split again as it is now

Woah sorry for giant bold!!!

Nope. I wouldn't do it. Very few men would consider this so why are women so often inclined to quit their jobs, leaving themselves in a very vulnerable position should the worst happen?

Get a cleaner if you need support. But given over 50% of marriages end in divorce... And in my personal experience, those with women who have quit working, tend to be higher still.

This comes down to expectations and you both need to lay your cards on the table as to what you think it will look like with you at home. That includes pension for you whilst not working, projected return to work timescales, division of household labour and access to money.

We trialled it for 6 months and it worked so well for us that I continued and never returned to work. I have a health condition that plays into that though. Dh was raised by a sahm so understood the amount of work involved in trying to do housework whilst a child usually undoes most of the stuff you have just done. Plus he saw me as an equal partner, we both had a say in spending money and he was fully hands on when he came through the door. We are a team and the team works together to sort dinner/bath/bed time etc.

This is where it usually goes horribly wrong for relationships (as demonstrated on here lots when women post about being expected to do everything and the man just works and comes home and sits on the sofa) the expectation from the man is his entire contribution is just money, the woman is on duty 24/7, no holiday, they get left at home sick whilst the man swans off into work and she is throwing up but left to care for toddlers. This is where the wheels come off.

My first suggestion would be drop to 2.5 days but leave the children in nursery for 4 days to begin with. This buys you 1.5 days with no children to get the house sorted. This still gives you 3 days with the children. Once it is sorted you can see whether this is working and whether to drop their time down to 3 days. This gives you the job security should you wish to increase your hours. If you are thinking of quitting altogether you need to work out how easy it would be to re-enter the work place.

The sahm thing worked incredibly well for me but then I knew I couldn't return to work so my case is different. I know a lot of sahms, only one remains that way with children in secondary. Everyone else has gone back to work but there were teething issues on return with the husband still expecting them to do everything they did when at home on top of a full time job.

If my husband expected me to work FT then
also work on my 'side hustle' while they quit their job I'd get a divorce. Make sure your DH is happy for you to quit and what that'll look like on a day to day basis e.g. assume your kids will no longer be in nursery as you're home.

Do you share the nursery costs ?
if not why are you paying it all ?
you need your own pension account to make use of the Govt top up, dont leave free money on the table
don't whatever you do ignore your pension, he should pay into it if you stay at home
staying at home FT you will never regain the lost years of earning power. (I know to my cost)

Do it. You've got to work till your 67 now so plenty of time to catch up career wise and financially. The kids are little for a very short time in comparison.

I’m a sahm and I agree with all of this.

I did give up work for three years. My situation was that we were moving area (for DH's job), 100 miles away from any support, both kids were infant school and the move was going to effect them. I wanted to be around for them to ease them into this new life. I will admit that those years were wonderful - I got to look after myself and was going to the gym, cooking decent meals everyday, keeping costs down because I could cook from scratch a lot, the house was always clean, I had no stress, I felt energised to look after the kids after school and had time to be with them as I wasn't 'just going to put a wash on' or 'just run the hoover round'. DH loved it too as he could focus on his work without worrying about anything at home. I didn't have pocket money from my husband or anything, we shared money etc so there was no issues of control. It was great and if I could go back I wouldn't change a thing. I am now back at work though, as the kids got older I looked to set up a business that fit in around them but was still part time. Then when my youngest was at secondary I got a full time job - they definitely need me a lot less now, and my main focus is being able to have money to (a) give them memories and experiences, and (b) save to help them when they are flying the nest. Their needs have changed so my priorities have changed too.
My story was a positive one but it isn't the same for everyone. You need to discuss with your DH and see if he is happy. Can you financially afford for you to give up work? Does your job sector move quickly, in that if you left would you find it hard to find work again in the future? Be honest, is your marriage a happy one? We can't predict the future, but if your marriage has any cracks don't do it, a divorce with no way to support yourself is not worth it.

The problem is that it can be hard to go back after a break, and you often have to go back at a lower level/pay and you miss out on pension contributions. It can be easier to be a SAHM when they are little, it often pays off to continue working/go back to work when they are older. They aren't little for long, but the consequences of taking time out can affect you years down the line with reduced earnings/pension. I also wouldn't tie everything to your husband earning more, at one point my DH was saying that he could build up a side hustle to earn more, I said that it was actually better for me to return to work. House looks like a tip, but unless I become a cleaner, no one is going to pay me wages or pension contributions for having a tidier house, and it isn't going to matter ten years down the line, but the pay, pension contributions and having recent work experience on my CV will matter. Plus I tidy it and it just gets messy again faster than I can keep up with it! I would reduce your hours instead, at least you keep your hand in.

It's hard to go back after a break yes but I personally would have found it harder to work full time and raise a family as well.

MAYBE you'll get back in at a lower less well paid position but I honestly think there is plenty of time to move on upwards again. We are in the workplace for between 45 and 50 years - really, a few years of non pension payments won't make that much difference.

Just to clarify though - you will obviously be richer if you continue to work. I'm not denying that. I'm just saying, it won't be by all that much.

I'd say that part time might be an easier option - I'm part time and I know it affects my career prospects, but at least I can progress even at a slower rate. Full time would be harder. Of the SAHMs that I know, I'm one of the few that has gone back, even though the kids could have either full time school nursery places or are in school. It's easy for a few years out to turn into 8/9 years.

I resigned from my job (for health reasons) and for the last 3 months we have lived on DH’s alone and I absolutely hate it.

We can manage on and DH doesn’t have a problem with it all, but I absolutely hate feeling like I’m not contributing the money coming into our house.

The plan was for me to take a year off to stabilise my health and to retrain for another role, but after only 3 months of feeling like this I really don’t think I can last another 9 months.

Life is definitely easier with me being home but I’m struggling with the drop in income and knowing that I don’t contribute to our finances. It’s not a nice feeling

its always said on mn that men should be putting money into a pension for sahm but in fact, the maximum you can contribute to a pension if you don’t work is around £2800. And you only get basic rate relief on that. So it would usually not be possible/financially beneficial to do this.

I chose not to and now I'm in my 60s, I'm glad I stuck it out.

A good friend was a SAHM for 20 years, and didn't find it easy to get back into the workplace. Still way behind what she would have been if she had worked all those years, and missing out very much on pension.

I won’t lie being a sahm is hard ! I gave up followed by dh 6 months later (both carers so slightly different scenario). It’s made a lot of things easier which is why we did it but it’s still really hard

Don’t quit do 2.5 days. The best advice I was given was keep your foot in the door - even if that’s very part-time.

Working with young children is really hard (I’m not saying SAMH is also not hard), but juggling work, children and home is really tough, particularly when something unexpected happens; however, it gets easier.

I’ve seen too many women, who become SAHM left in dire straits because their lovely DH, who would never cheat, did. Or their DH’s loses their job or get sick, and then they are struggling to get a job (much better to be in work and asking for adjustments/carers leave then trying to find one. Don’t be financially dependent on a man.

Other SAMH friends have struggled to get back into work. They then start at much lower earnings, which don’t cover wrap round childcare and so feel they can’t go back.

Im glad I stuck with it, but it was so hard at times.I now a good job and earn well. Because I kept on the career level I have now reached a level where I have a lot of flexibility.