15 month playing etiquette

[Honeymud]

I am just posting for some reassurance. I have a 15 month old boy who has a lovely personality. He is very sociable, probably too socialble. Whenever we go to places like groups or soft play, he always is quite touchy feely, wanting to hug other babies or touch them. I do always remind him to be gentle.

Today at a music group he was playing with another toddler, I didn't notice anything out the ordinary or any rough play. Suddenly another mum moved my son aside and told him to not push her son as it wasn't nice! I didn't see any play that was rough and was taken back by the ladies repose as they are only small toddlers.

I felt quite sorry for my son. Is it normal for them at this age to be rough and tumble? Is there anyway I can teach him to be less touchy with other babies?

Some kids will happily play with others but your idea of rough and tumble will be someone else's idea of just rough!
My DD hated other children touching her and would have been very unhappy around a child who was boisterous.
Don't take it personally - kids have to learn all of these skills as they go along. Just be alert to interactions and intervene - as you are doing. But maybe be aware that other parents will have different boundaries and expectations.

What a shame for your wee boy. Babies are sociable creatures so it's natural for them to approach other children. At his age he will be engaging in more rough and tumble play as well so totally normal. I don't think it was right for the other mum to move your son to the side...that being said, if you're still working on him being gentle, I'd stay close by in case he does hit another child (even unintentionally) and to avoid another mother trying to parent him instead.

My DD is 20 months and drawn to other children (and dogs!) so I often stay close by as she's known to 'swipe' other children. I've heard other parents say their little ones 'grab' as well. Nothing wrong with what your wee one is doing...just model 'gentle' for him when he does approach other children - take his hand and guide it in a more gentle way.

Whenever we go to places like groups or soft play, he always is quite touchy feely, wanting to hug other babies or touch them. I do always remind him to be gentle.

Your DC really likes this, some others won’t, surely you can see this?

Yes of course I can see this, I'm not stupid. Was there any need for the patronising message? I've come on here away of that very thing and how I can manage it so my son doesn't upset others but also so he doesn't get upset.

I should have added if it wasn't clear, I don't just sit idly by while my son is all over other babies. I will always move him off other babies/toddlers and apologise to other parents when he is being boisterous. And I'm always close by yo guide him away. It was just in this instance I really didn't see anything but will take in mind other parents expectations.

I guess my post is reassurance if other parents have toddlers similar and if there is anything else I can do. I suppose my main worry is from an anxiety point of view is that I don't want my son being excluded from things due to his nature of being more over sociable if that makes sense.

Whenever we go to places like groups or soft play, he always is quite touchy feely, wanting to hug other babies or touch them. I do always remind him to be gentle

He sounds like a sweetie. But I wonder at 15 months how much of ‘reminding to be gentle’ will be processed and understood. Maybe you just need to hover and be prepared to physically remove him every time he’s outstayed his welcome. Otherwise other parents will do it for you as this woman did - her/her DC’s tolerance level to physicality is obviously lower than yours/your DCs.

Is this the first time anyone's commented on your son being too physical around their child?

If you know that your son is quite tactile and physical in his play, then you might need to be more proactive in monitoring and preventing things that could lead to negative responses. Don't wait until he's made contact with a child - stay within arm's reach where needed, have distractions prepared, etc. You shouldn't have to run around removing him from other children and apologising to their parents, that's not fair on them (potentially upsetting or hurting their children) or on your son (who's then constantly being told he's not wanted and something to be apologised for, when he's not been taught to change the behaviour that's getting him in those situations).

If he's got lots of energy and is boisterous, maybe let him burn off some it at a park on the way to a group. If he wants cuddles with others, maybe try a soft toy or a doll.

I find that specific instructions work better for my DC and the children they play with - eg "no pushing" rather than "soft hands" - and praising positive behaviour - eg "good sharing".

I wouldn’t be letting him touch other babies ever because most really won’t like it and the mums will like it even less. He’s only 15 months and at that age they can go from friendly hug to eye poke in a split second, as you found with the push, so you need to be hovering at all times. If he did something and you didn’t see it then you’re not supervising properly. I wouldn’t ease off and relax until he’s nearer 2 unless he’s playing with older ones.

Thank you all for your responses. The last thing I want is for other parents or children to be upset or for my son to feel unwanted. I'm also feeling very oversensitive but I get a feeling that people think I'm some terrible mum with a thug child who just bashes other children and does nothing about it. I know no one has said that here but think that is how I am feeling. He is a very sweet boy with a loving personality.

I will also phone the health visitor for advice on what methods are best for his young age. I do want to teach him to not be so physical and tactile and to not upset others. I do hover him constantly but clearly it hasn't been good enough so will make sure to be more proactive

Rough and tumble play is so important. Please look online for a YouTube video with jordan Peterson discussing this - so interesting!

Children need to learn these social skills - if avoid intervening as much as possible. How will kids learn if parents keep stepping in.

Another child will hit yours for getting too close..part of learning!

I don’t doubt that he’s a sweet boy with a lovely personality! He’s also, however, a completely normal young toddler. Mine was fascinated by eyes and mix that in with some age appropriate pointing but young toddler lack of spacial awareness and he would try and poke other kids in the eyes. That age are also prone to hitting, biting and pushing. I don’t think you need to worry about him or or anything. You just have to watch him like a hawk, jump in whenever it goes too far and be ready to redirect his play towards a toy rather than a person and remind him to give his friends space, not push etc. All normal stuff when parenting a 15MO.

Thank you Jellyx and tropicaltrama. That is really helpful. I do wonder if the bookbug sessions we go to aren't the best places for him now. He certainly isn't the one to be sat on my knee like other the other kids and was the one toddler that was trying to get out the fire escape and run up the aisles of the library. I did a Google search for previous threads and found people who had similar toddlers which was reassuring!

He goes to nursery two days a week and the ladies there adore him and always give us good feedback and the church hall toddler groups will restart next week which I think will be more suitable for him.

Of course I will be monitoring too and distracting him.

I really disagree with most of what JellyX says tbh. Rough and tumble play is important so we do agree on that but 15 months is too young for it with peers (some that age aren’t even walking yet!) and crucially relies on all children involved consenting, respecting boundaries, feeling safe and having fun. All stuff beyond the comprehension of a typical 15MO. If we were talking about 3YOs then I’d be more of the opinion of let them figure it out themselves but we’re not, so IMO caregivers still need to be policing the behaviour.

And yup maybe Bookbugs isn’t for him. My 2YO would hate it too and would definitely be off out the fire escape. So solidarity! Free play and active stuff is definitely more his thing. If the class doesn’t suit then try something else, remember it’s supposed to be fun.

I've been happy to hear different opinions but I am definitely more at this age wanting to be intervening and being proactive. I have this big internal dilemma as I see my son all happy and smiley and don't want him to think he's not wanted but also I absolutely don't want other babies/toddlers upset or hurt (he has never physically hurt another baby I will stress) or have other parents say anything or be upset so want to do all I can to avoid this.

My daughters like this, I sign gentle to her a lot and I feel like she understood that more. The makaton sign is stroking the top of your hand with your other hand. Sometimes she tries to hug kids that don't want to be hugged and I said she's saying no thank you let's go somewhere else. It is hard cos they think everyone wants a cuddle. That mum did seem abit precious tho it's hard not to roll your eyes

Rough and tumble play is important so we do agree on that but 15 months is too young for it with peers (some that age aren’t even walking yet!)

I agree. My 15 month old is tiny and only just starting to stand without holding on to something. Very different to my eldest who walked much earlier and was much sturdier at this age, running around etc. She doesn't need rough and tumble with a similarly aged child who might be a lot bigger, stronger and (through no fault of their own) not understand what they're doing.

Not that it sounds like you're allowing rough and tumble with random children OP.

Thank you again. I suppose I have been oversensitive about this maybe but I really just want to do what is best for everyone including my son and others. I have struggled with severe PNA and PND and felt like I'd got to grips with a baby and now I have a toddler it's a whole new stage and I have no idea what I'm doing. I just have this feeling (in general, not here) when my son is told to be nice by another mum, that it'll somehow affect his socialisation in the future. It also brings back my own feelings of inadequacy which I know hasn't been suggested here but just saying this to give more context to my post not for sympathy.

There hasn't been an instance where my son has been overly rough or hurt another baby and on the instances he has been tactile, I have intervened but know now to be more proactive and distract more. The last thing I want is him to cause anyone else to cry or to piss off other parents but I also want to manage my sons feelings and not have him feel unwanted. I have downloaded a few books that I have read about on toddler behaviour and also left a message for my health visitor for their advice. I appreciate the helpful comments from everyone.

Another idea that might help... Do you have good mum friends for playdates and going to groups together? If you're part of a friendship group with similar aged children, then you might feel more comfortable with them and you occasionally intervening with each other's children, because you'll know it's not coming from a place of judgement. You may be able to find children with whom your son 'clicks', who enjoy a similar level of physical interactions in their play.

If you're going to Bookbug sessions and your son isn't in the mood for them, maybe try some other things for a few weeks and then see if he gets back in the mood for them. My DC went through a period of about 3 months, where they just didn't want to sit for Bookbug at all. So, we swapped the weekly Bookbug slot in our schedule for some more active things for a bit - playparks, woodland walks, soft play, etc. Now they're a bit older (18 months now) they're back to being interested in it again.

Yes I do have a group who I meet with about once a month or so (most of the time they suggest play dates is the day my son is in nursery) but it definitely is a good idea to suggest more play dates. Though last time we met last weekend for a picnic, my son was the super shy one and kept to me most of the time!

I think I have this feeling, that he needs to always be doing some sort of structured activity for socialisation but think this probably stems from my own anxiety. Tomorrow I will take him to the school play park (schools on holiday so no kids) so he can run about there, I did think the age he is now he probably doesn't have much interest in the bookbug activities!