Splitting baby/household chores after mat leave ends

[ChloeO88]

Thanks in advance for any advice on this. I'm about to come to the end of my mat leave with DS. Over the last 9 months I've taken on the majority of the organisation for the baby - working out and buying what he needs and we need to parent, reorganising our flat as his movement changes, keeping up with his development etc. My DH is a great father and husband and has been very supportive over the last year. After DS was born he did most of the housework and shopping, but after he went back to work I have taken on most of the household chores, especially shopping and cooking. I enjoy these tasks so it hasn't been a problem, but I am about to go back to work and am concerned that unless we implement a plan, the majority of the housework will fall to me. I am working four days a week but compressing a full time job. My DH can be slow to pick up on chores that need doing, especially cleaning. I've always found he needs prompting, so I'm wondering what others have done to ensure a more seamless division of jobs once back at work. I'd just like to avoid arguments really - especially interested in household planners or apps that seem to have worked! Thank you 😊

I think the most useful thing is to divvy up key areas

So you do laundry he does shopping

You do insurance, he does bills.

You clean the bathroom, bedrooms and halls, he does the kitchen and living room.

You do breakfasts, he does baths (or switch these things around week by week. All babies play favourites BTW so if she prefers you now is the time to make sure she gets time with you both.)

This makes it straightforward and will avoid you trying to micromanage him which is sometimes what women returning to work do

Which brings up the second key point - which is accept things won’t get done exactly as you would do them or even to the same standard. That’s fine - a lot better than you doing everything.

Generally drop your standards if necessary to a realistic level, agree minimums with him.

A shared calendar and shared apple notes works fine. Fancy apps tend to make work.

It's easier to give the entirety of one task to someone. That way they don't just have to do the labour, but the mental load around that too.

So whoever takes dinner does the food shop, so they know they have everything in for the weeks meals. The other person gets dishes but that also includes drying and putting dishes away and giving the kitchen a full wipe down before bed.

Whoever gets bins does everything to do with bins - emptying and new bags for indoor bins, knowing which days which bins go out, cleaning bins etc.

If someone gets vacuuming then they do it all, including at regular periods vacuuming furniture and pulling bigger items out and vacuuming under etc.

If one person does childcare drop offs in the morning then they are responsible for making sure baby goes in suitable clothes, with the bag of stuff they need at the right time. If they other person does pick ups, they are responsible for knowing what time today's pick up is etc.

Careful that you don't just split the labour, bit also the mental load attached to that labour.

I am commenting so I get updates on this as it almost precisely applies to me too 🙂I like @BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz ‘s point about allocating whole tasks so the ‘thinking’ bit of them is outsourced too.

@continentallentil I struggle with the dropping your standards part but you’re absolutely right!

@ChloeO88 one thing I’m planning to do is ask DH to take a few days off over the course of my first few weeks, and within reason take on the bulk of the household/child tasks (e.g. nursery drop offs, prep meals, bed time). 2 good reasons for this:

1. will allow me to just focus on getting back into the swing with work
2. disrupts the routine of me doing everything, so we transition from HIM doing more to 50:50(ish), rather than from ME asking him to do things that he doesn’t even realise need doing…

All really good points. I'm planning to get him to sit down with me and run through everything involved with looking after DS, so he understands the mental load and can be more proactive (hopefully) about things like checking if he needs new clothes, buying food for him etc. Splitting tasks also is a great shout.

The TOMM app is £5 and really helpful, has a tick off list for each day and you can customise.

Definetly discuss tasks in detail.

It's really easy for him to say "I'll do the nursery drop offs" but if you are the one who packs the bag for nursery and dresses the baby in clothes suitable, and knows "it's their trip to the park today the need suncream etc" then really you are doing all the work for that, and him just physically doing the drop off isn't actually him doing the task properly, iyswim.