Autistic son, is this a red flag?

[ShowerintheDark]

Hi, I wondered if anybody has experience with this. I have taught both my sons that private parts are private, only you can touch yours and nobody else, you don't touch other people's etc. My 3 year old is at a stage where he will sometimes get his out thinking it is funny, and has to be reminded which is fine, and understandable at his age. The 6 year old however is well aware and is pretty sensible overall.

Today however i caught ds1 running over to ds2 (who was standing with his pants down) saying he was going to nip his private part with a toy he had gotten from upstairs. I immediately reprimanded ds1 and told ds2 to pull his pants up, as it is private.

Dh and I have spoken to dc1 that what he tried to do was very inappropriate, and could have badly hurt his little brother had I not caught him in time. After a lot of thinking time and upset we finally got it out of him that he was mad at dc2 because he has shouted and winged alot today, and didnt want to see his "wee wee bit" so had done it deliberately because his "mind didn't know what it was doing, just thoughts" in his head.

Is this normal behaviour for this age? Ds1 has autism, but I'm not sure if this has anything to do with it. Ds1 can be inappropriate at times which we are working on, but never anything as serious as this. It has shocked me as it's not something even remotely myself or my siblings ever did as children.

Any help or guidance would be much appreciated. I'm feeling abit upset wondering where on earth I've gone wrong.

My DSs are 9 and almost 5. They are constantly talking about willies, it’s the most funny thing ever for their age. I wouldn’t be concerned in the slightest. Just a quick reminder that it’s not appropriate and in my sons case it goes in one ear and out the other!

I think this is pretty typical for this age, just reprimand him as you did

I’m sorry you’re feeling so upset, I don’t think you’ve done anything wrong. None of the behaviour you’ve posted seems that shocking to me. I’m actually questioning more why your 3yo son had his trousers and pants down rather than your 6yo sons intentions. It just sounds like he was annoyed with his little brother and was just reacting.

I’d add though - make sure the language you’re using is as simple as can be. “Private parts” is a bit ambiguous.

To answer your question OP, it is normal behaviour for that age. I frequently (still do) have to remind ds12 (also autistic) that it’s not appropriate to mention private parts. At that age boys realise it’s an extra painful region. Ds used to purposely kick there when he got angry. Kids (particularly if you already have social difficulties) don’t see things in the same way we do. I find with ds the best way to handle it is to continue to clearly reinforce that private parts are private .

Thanks for your replies. I think it wasn't so much the talking about their bodies which is natural and fine, but more the act of dc1 trying to hurt his little brother. It was dc2s pyjama bottoms so he thought it was funny to pull them down and sing "wee wee bits."

Ds2 had purposefully went upstairs and gotten the toy and came down to do it. I think it is that act that has really upset me. I told him he could have told me at any time, and to tell a grown up. I don't understand why he didn't.

OP I feel your concern, I guess it’s just important to remember that all siblings fight. I think of how horrible I was to my brother and he was to me as children. We are now thick as thieves. With a six year old adult logic doesn’t apply, but you’ve done the right thing and hopefully he won’t do the same again.

I worry I think aswell because dc2 is very impressionable, and will do anything ds1 tells him to do (another thing we are working on). He trusts his big brother so much.

I just feel like such a shit parent today. We had been having a lovely day, baking all together and playing. I just don't know why ds2 has this anger inside him sometimes. We are waiting for our CYPS , hopefully there will be some extra support for him there.

Thank you everyone

@Whatsthepoint1234 exactly. I think deep down I am already worried about ds1 and his emotional wellbeing, maybe this latest act is the last straw. He has a lot of anxiety, and had a panic attack acouple of nights ago when trying to sleep. We think he was overtired, I am trying so hard to support him and adapt my parenting style to support his neuro diversities. Lately I've just felt like I'm doing a rubbish job.

Honestly OP you’re fine. They’re fine. This is honestly no big deal.

I have twins who are both autistic. (I’m also autistic). The things they have done to each other over the years - I swear I turn my back for a millisecond and boom!!!

Theyre nearly 14 yrs old now but DS has high needs. I once found his back covered with pen - DD had used him as a scribbling pad. And I do mean covered. She’d also covered him in Sudocrem. Oh, and once she’d clonked him on the head with a toy train - only a small cut but head cuts piss blood everywhere. DS crawled under the table in a blind panic and wouldn’t come out … all we could see was a trail of blood and had no idea what had happened. Genuinely thought it was a horrific injury as it bled everywhere!!!!!!! DD was very pleased with herself - apparently DS was being too noisy.

Honestly. Bloody siblings! And when you add in the sensory issues and impulsivity of autistic DC, it’s a recipe for disaster.

You dealt with it fine. Just keep nipping it in the bud and try and keep your eyes open in the back of your head 😂😂

Anxiety and panic are common in ND children so they need calm, clear parenting. Deal with things appropriately but don’t get to het up - set clear boundaries that your child can understand and stick to them. Consider things like a visual diary to reduce anxiety - even though your child is verbal, pictorial aids can provide much-needed support and reassurance.

Don’t second guess yourself. Sounds as if you’re doing a grand job. Kids will be kids 😂🤦🏻‍♀️ Sending solidarity 💐

Kids being kids are so much fun being allowe s to be free/ wild children. I also think kids accept all kids, disabled, Autistic, special needs etc.

@SpidersAreShitheads thank you for taking the time to reply. Oh my goodness that must have been really stressful! I know, I thought having siblings meant they would be more entertained. I spend half my day being a referee. They need to hit the sweet spot, when will this happen?? I love them both more than words, i just hope they'll get on when they're older. Dh is estranged from his siblings, this worries me!