I’m trying to summarise how things have unfolded with my in laws over the last 5 years. I’ve shared a couple of small incidences in this group this year, which was pretty awful 😞. I’m trying to pull it all together to make sense of everything - both mentally and to help grow in the right direction. I can’t write it all down, but I’ve written enough for an idea of the how and why.. In doing so, I’m wondering if anything I’ve written is clear that I am in the wrong or being an Ae? Have I over-reacted to their behaviour? I’ve known them 13 years… it’s only in the last 5 that everything has changed. I once considered them like parents, which is why the wounds have cut deep 😞 … I feel both obligated under the title of “family” and on behalf of my children having grandparents to continue with being exposed…
It all stems from being continuously hurt. It started when I was pregnant in 2018/2019. Over a weekend visit, FIL, called me "fatty" instead of using my name a few times. During the same visit, he made a comment that they saw me as an incubator for their grandchild. It was humiliating and dehumanized. MIL did not voice against anything that was said that weekend. I was in tears when they left and upset for a very long time…a stream of further interactions and lack of relationship over years has built in a fear of further disrespect, - which sums up the last 5 years.
After DD arrived in March 2019, I attempted to set aside the hurtful incidents that happened that weekend. However, there was a significant shift in the family dynamics, and unfortunately, things spiralled into division. There was lots of nitty gritty things that didn’t cause any major problems individually, it was the accumulation, the bad energy they had towards me and being dropped from having any kind of relationship (that was good). One of the first nitty gritty issues that arose was when DD was a couple of days old and we asked everyone to not kiss a newborn, a request that was not respected. But there was generally small issues of either Inappropriation, bad energy or gestures at almost every visit.
Another major change was communication. Prior to DD birth, I used to have, not just regular communication, but good open communication with MIL, but once DD arrived, the dynamics shifted dramatically. I filled new shoes as a mother and I also felt "dropped," almost as though I was in the way. Anyone could read the room and spot the bad energy, it was also the obvious halting of communication, or care of a relationship…, I felt as though they had no likeness for. I felt as though the relationship we had before was not genuine, that I had done my job as the “incubator” and I was being treated like one.
During that year, we extended an invitation to share DD first Christmas together. We made the best of it as a family, but there were some deeply hurtful parts. While we were in the kitchen, organizing food, I caught FIL flipping me off, that left me feeling shocked and upset. I didn’t say anything at the time, i wished i had - I just wanted to focus on our (then) baby. As the days (and that year) went by, there was a clear and growing sense that they harboured negative feelings towards me. It was stressful, hosting with tensions and actions of people who had no respect for me. That Christmas became the worst I had ever experienced, and the cumulative effect of these incidents began to take a toll on my mental health.
In the months that followed, we had several strange interactions with FIL. There was a peculiar phone call in the middle of the night on the day of DD christening - , and a late-night message from him to hubby at a later date, which came across as aggressive and confrontational. MIL called hubby the following day and said nothing about it, it was weird, like they were trying to cover up my FIL blip. Communication had broken down. It was a stressful situation for everyone involved.
Despite all of this, we made efforts to visit them in their town a couple of times during that first year after DD birth. However, during these visits, FIL continued to display gestures and behaviors that conveyed his dislike, which only further exacerbating the strained relationship. I can recall a negative gesture and feeling like it was a nuisance that I had to find a bench to breastfeed DD, as well as when it was time to leave, he was showing gestures of annoyance and it was like walking on egg shells around him. That feeling hasn’t gone, it’s still like this.
I am trying to highlight incidents, that is more of an accumulation of how things have gone down hill, over a long period that has worn out the trust and the relationship. It’s the visits where tensions are clear and the feeling of being unwelcome. These first few highlights are how the tensions escalated to begin with, that further deepened the divide.
Respect, communication and expectations were completely out of sink. As I was “dropped” with communication efforts, I felt as though I was also being painted as a problem - which went in hand with the bad energy and being dropped. Unfortunately, the visits and time spent with them grew to be incredibly (understandably) uncomfortable.
During the Covid pandemic (April 2020 onwards), contact was mostly virtual. However, after becoming a mother, the frequency of interactions with MIL decreased until there was no relationship left by the time DD turned 12-18 months. There was also a significantly long period when PHONE conversations were solely on hubby and the kids, completely disregarding my existence. I also remember a 2 year period where I received impersonal birthday cards, which also felt like a deliberate attempt to hurt me.
I had almost no direct communication’s from MIL during my pregnancy with my DS - we were basically strangers by this point, with only one or two awkward phone calls when I was very close to giving birth - but the topic only revolved around details of when their grandchild was going to be born. Throughout this entire time, I have been made to feel like nothing more than an incubator, with my worth reduced solely to birth grandchildren. Anything else related to this has been made me feel as though they want me gone.
There were other highlights that I remember - circulating back to communication and when I was pregnant with DS - we were in a minor car collision, and there was another incident that I required medical attention and was very close to hospitalization, all while carrying DS. Yet, neither of Hubbys parents checked in or showed any concern, other than wanting to know when the birth date was when I was around 37 weeks - It was clear as day, that they only valued me for my use - the birth of their grandchild.
By 2021, it felt like years had passed where nothing was good… and I paid for it - with my mental health reaching a breaking point. I started having panic attacks, that was only triggered by indirect or direct contact from MIL… Hubby ring tone was a trigger for example, fearing it was them. I cannot write in words how this has all effected me, because anything said would be an understatement. Grief is the only word that accurately describes the profound sense of loss and emotional pain I have experienced. The shattered expectations of familial support or being treated as a member of a family, have taken a toll on me emotionally and mentally. To this day, I maintain a distance emotionally to protect myself mentally. The way I have been treated and how it effected me, means that I can’t go back out of fear of being placed back in that vulnerable, dehumanising position again.
Presently, we follow hubbys lead when it comes to visits or communication… because he is the only one with a relationship, and the point of contact where communications happen.
There is nothing more that I can say, other than everything has been deeply hurtful and mentally damaging. We are understandably not close, and that’s ok because it’s meant I’ve been able to heal and my children have the healthy family dynamic that they deserve - and that is where the priority is. The negative impact of this situation is now minimal because of it. They deserve a healthy family dynamic, they deserve grandparents that respect their parents. I will always prioritise this over what we lived through before.
I know with how poor and distant the relationship is with other family members on my husband side that a smear campaign has probably done the rounds too…. In all of this, I’ve no idea what I’ve done wrong, and my only action has been to keep my distance and that has been for self preservaTion… After 5 years, I recently stopped sending pictures of the kids to them… it’s been 6 months… and no one has reached out to me to ask how they are. Contact is strictly with my husband, once a week for about 20 min.