3yr old tantrums till he’s blue. Help.

[RuralMumOf3]

I have 3 small children, my 4 year old has always had out of this world melt downs and turns blue with them. My other two have melt downs but never to this severity and we can always calm them down and bring them back round. Nothing I try works with my 4 year old. I’ve done hugging, saying mummy’s hear with you, stroking, tried hand starfish breathing with fingers (tried this when he’s in a good place so he knows how to do it when he’s upset) etc. I’m at a beaten down loss as to what to do as I hate seeing him in such a state. It’s always over the usual toddler things that he melts down but like I said you can’t snap him out of it, goes blue, hyperventilates, gets terrible headaches and tummy aches from the melt down. Any things you can suggest???

How terrible for you, this must be so stressful and draining.
Does he have these tantrums with anyone else or is it just you? If it's just you then you could try the 'walking away/ignoring it' tactic (no audience = no tantrum). This may not immediately work but over time if the child realises that their tantrum isn't having any effect on you they'll just stop as it's not worth it.

For example 'I understand you're feeling frustrated because you can't eat the sweets that fell in a puddle.' Then I just walk away and pretend to be looking at something really exciting I just found on the ground so I'm not interested in them any more but at this really exciting bit of orange peel I just found. In a short while kid realises audience has moved on, and wants to see what interesting thing I've found.
If I was at home, I would just close the door and go into another room (partly to calm myself down and also to remove the audience).

Sorry I don't agree whatsoever with the above poster. This sounds so awful for you and I've been there so no judgements here. But ignoring a young child in distress is absolutely not the right answer. Walking away from / ignoring a child's tantrum is toxic behaviour. Your child is unable to communicate how he's feeling - walking away and ignoring will only shame him and make him feel the problem is internal to him.

You are doing what you can OP and you sound like an incredible caring mum. I found reading "The Book You Wish Your Parents Had Read" helpful, and also following BigLittleFeelings on Instagram. But yeah I don't think there's a quick fix. Perhaps your son is spirited and reading "Raising a Spirited Child" might help. But as long as you remain calm, patient and open to him I think you are doing what you can. Maybe try a few micro techniques from those books, and also make sure you are looking after yourself.

Good luck OP x