5 year old struggling after new sibling

[Elaina87]

I have a little girl who has just turned 5 a couple of weeks ago. I have a 3 month old baby who she adores. I have always been very close to my older daughter, but things have become so strained since the baby came along. I knew it would be adjustment but harder than I imagined. She is very over zealous with the baby and we are constantly having to tell her to stop squeezing/being rough. We have to tell her to be quiet when the baby is sleeping which I hate doing but she's so loud and will keep being loud so we end up telling her off. She plays up and is naughty often so I feel we are always telling her off for various things.. I've always wanted to parent gently so I hate this too but she gets out hand. This morning before any arguments and when things were calm, she said something that broke my heart "sometimes i think you don't love me now, but then I get that out my head" and then she burst into tears and sobbed. I hugged her and told her how much we love her obviously. But I could tell these.were real feelings coming out and it was so upsetting to realise she feels like that. I tried all day to be patient with her but she stil needed telling to stop doing things so many times. I feel ao guilty and although I know she loves her sister, I can't help feeling we have made her unhappy. Does anyone have any tips?

I can completely relate I have the exact same situation it's hard isn't it. Remember it's temporary as baby number 2 grows and becomes more independent. Also try to spend one on one time with her during nap times, or if hubby can take over 🙂

Thank you. Yes you're right, it is tempory isn't it. I am trying to have 1 on 1 time when possible. I think the summer holidays were just a bit brutal and will be easier now she is back at school! Hope you're doing ok!

Can you tell her what to do instead of what not to do IYSWIM.

Like baby nap time is when you read stories together or play quietly? And when baby is awake she can be loud/jump/'how quickly can you get me the babys nappy' etc

I think all age gaps have pros and cons. The problem with a 5 year gap is that your daughter knows exactly what life was like before baby arrived. If she is used to being allowed to be noisy and has experienced gentle parenting up until now, but is now being told off for the exact behaviour you have tolerated before then she will be confused and upset.
All you can do is make time for as much one to one time with her outside of school hours and big up all the things she is able to do that her sibling cannot do yet. Encourage the good behaviour so she still feels valued.

Thank you but yes tried this, whe doesn't listen and continues to be noisy. It's like she wants the reaction but then cries.

Yep that's exactly it and why I feel so bad. We show her a lot of love and encouragement so I think we are doing all we can by the sounds of it, just very difficult as she misbehaves to get more attention I am beginning to realise.

You don’t have to be quiet for nap time & I have never understood parents who tiptoe around. We just used to put DD down for a nap & carry on as usual & she would sleep through anything.

I agree with @RabbitsRock - the womb is not silent! 24 hours a day there's gurgling, the whooshing of pumping blood, muffled sound from outside too. My babies slept best when the washing machine was on, or the hoover or TV/ radio. The youngest had a boisterous toddler to contend with. Silence is not normal for babies.

I found my DC liked being given some responsibility for the baby, being allowed to gently hold the baby. I also pointed out how interested baby was in DC (true, after a while I worked out baby would cry when DC was doing something baby couldn’t see, so I had to prop them up to watch).

Overall just try and be sympathetic and explain a lot what’s happening. It seems obvious to you but she might not understand what’s going on, why you’re busy and cranky.

Its attention seeking. She feels like shes not the center of your world anymore, so shes trying to make you see her. Bad attention is still better than no attention.
Im not saying youre giving her too little attention, its just that for her its different to what shes used to.

I would try to get as much 1 on 1 time with her as possible. And involve her in taking care of the baby as well. Other than that just keep calm and wait for baby to grow.

Rabbitsrock and sleepingisanart. We certainly aren't silent, but no, baby doesn't sleep through screaming and poking. Thanks for the advice 🙄

Yes it is 100% this!

My two DC’s have a similar age gap. It’s hard I can’t lie but over time it has gotten easier. DC2 is remarkably chill considering all the yelling and screaming and harassment they get from their older sibling. Older DC loves their younger sibling a LOT but also needs to be constantly reminded to be gentle, not scream etc. I’m afraid I have had to put in some consequences from bad/unacceptable behaviour whereas pre DC2 I could usually talk most things out with DC1.
For example DC1 was messing around on a walk home from town and despite repeated warnings to be gentle with the baby they managed to hit the baby in the face (not hard and baby didn’t cry but enough was enough). DC1 then had a consequence (couldn’t have the chocolate bar we’d just bought) and they were gutted but it was the only was to get them to learn.
As time has gone on the behaviour has gotten better and also DC2 is definitely able to fight their corner a bit more. As an only child this is all new to me, it’s taken a lot of learning on my part and I’ve definitely needed to set much clearer boundaries than I used to.

Thanks for your reply. I think you're right in saying clearer boundaries is needed. Such a learning curve for us all!