I’m at breaking point

[Mummaneeds]

My husband and I have been together 6 years, and married for almost 2years. We welcomed our baby in June 2023. It’s been the most amazing time getting to know our baby boy, but it’s also been the hardest 9 weeks of my life.

My husband works 5 days a week, plus a Saturday of overtime and 2 additional hours of overtime a day - so by the time he gets in from work it’s 17:30. So all of his extra hours of through choice, yet complains of how tired he is when he gets in from work. My husband sleeps straight through the night (as I do all night feeds) - and will come and unintentionally wake us up in the morning when he leaves for work at 05:00 (if I’m not already awake feeding). He comes in from work around 17:30 and has no conversation/has no interest in what we’ve done all day and clearly does not want to talk - and even gets annoyed when I talk or try to make conversation because he’s trying to watch the TV- or he will use the excuse ‘I’ve been at work all day and I just want to relax’. He wants to sit in silence even when he’s just walked through the door - how is that normal?

He will hold our baby when at home but sit on his phone while doing so. He never plays with our baby, or plays with him on his baby mat etc. He will moan at our baby for crying - he won’t ever consider standing up and rocking him for example. As soon as our baby cries, he hands him back to me using the excuse ‘he’s hungry’. He doesn’t understand our baby’s different cries - or has ever taken the time to. He does very little housework (but will moan when the house is a mess), he leaves his dirty washing everywhere, moans at our baby when he goes through his 2 hours of painful Colic every evening, leaves his rubbish lying around the house, expects to eat his dinner first (when I’ve more than likely not eaten all day), watches what he wants on the TV without fail every single evening - or goes into a miserable state. He is nothing but miserable when around my family, but expects me to be bubbly when around his. There’s always been minimal romance in our relationship- but this is next level now. I don’t even get complimented anymore.

I’m terrified that our son is going to grow up thinking that this is how to treat women!

I’m fully aware that I am being taken fully for granted, but I’ve tried everything to break this cycle, and nothing has worked. I’m so miserable and unhappy and I don’t want it to rub off onto my baby - because we already have the most special of bonds.I feel like a waste of space to be honest.

I feel like I’m at the end of my journey with him. I’ve told him time and time again that I need him to step up with our son to support me more, and to become a husband who I want to be with, but there has never been any effort into showing me he can change. I’ve told him that I am not afraid of leaving him if things don’t improve, but they never have.
What should I do? I can’t go on like this. I am breaking my heart. I love him, and I would hate to uproot our little ones life, but I’m honestly out of ideas at this point.
Help? Advice? Suggestions?

You should leave him, it won’t get better. And it’s much harder on children when they are older.

Ridiculous reply above - please take no notice.
The first few weeks/months of parenthood are hard and if you and your partner are not working as a team then it’s going to be extra hard. He has to step up or you have to leave. As a PP said, it will be worse for your child the older he gets.

That's what a narcissist person will state. I think you should leave him, he sounds like a narcissist

He wants to sit in silence even when he’s just walked through the door - how is that normal?

I think it is normal to want to. I certainly want to. But I don't because I am an adult with responsibilities. He clearly has no appreciation for the difficult job you are also doing!

we already have the most special of bonds.I feel like a waste of space to be honest

You most certainly are not. To that baby you are the entire world!

It is a shame it happens, but it is certainly not usual for relationships to suffer when a baby arrives and changes everything - priorities, availability (time/emotional/physical) and routines.. nothing stays the same except for useless partners..

What has he actually said in response when you've told him what you need?

Ridiculous that you didn't read my comment properly, please learn to read before jumping at someone throat

Or perhaps you are still bitter that your wife didn't think you were enough either.

So sorry you're having such a hard time.
With all the overtime, is it financially necessary? Are you saving for something in particular? If not it sounds like he's maybe using it as an excuse to be absent at home physically and then emotionally.
Are there certain things you used to do together in an evening that you could suggest you restart?
I would also suggest you check out a book called The Fair Play method, the basic jist is that all time is created equally, whether it is paid work or not so you decide together who does what tasks and they are responsible for the planning, implementing and closing of a task.

I am a female, you didn't read what I put underneaths did you?calm yourself down

He doesn’t provide for us. We are financially independent of each other. I pay my side and he pays his side. I don’t see a penny of his money, and he doesn’t see a penny of my money.
Your point is irrelevant and you’re probably a man, say behind a keyboard, bitter AF

Welcome to marriage after having a baby! For the first year you’ll love your baby more than anyone (this doesn’t change) and absolutely despise your husband because you’ve realised that he’s actually quite a lazy sod who doesn’t notice all the extra things that need doing now there are three of you and he is actually a bit sexist and happy to let you manage all childcare related activities!

Right now because you’re SO tired these feelings will be amplified.

Try to see his side too. He’s working all the time and bringing in the money, and probably does need some quiet time to unwind after work. Stereotyping but a lot of men like quiet time whereas women like to talk about their day.. never more so than if you’ve been at home alone with a 9 week old! Also there’s not a huge amount of playing a 9 week old can do and yea he’s never going to get to know babies cries as well as the primary cater, I.e. you.

My advice is to talk to him, get him to stop unintentionally waking you up and make sure he does something like bath baby at night time after work and spend some bonding time. Also help out on a Sunday when he’s off and let you have a lie in.

The tiredness isn’t going to get better but after a year of this you’ll be more used to it and he able to cope better.Try to get out everyday, sitting in is the worst.

I don’t think the hours are unusual - my DH leaves at 8am and doesn’t usually get home until 7pm from work. Also, when I was a SAHM the housework was my responsibility.

However, when DH got home I expected him to parent equally - he’d been out at work, I had been working at home. DH would usually do bath and bedtime as he hadn’t seen the DCs all day.

It’s not fair for your DH to sit about and expect to be waited on when he gets home. Also why on earth does he get to choose the tv?

It sounds like your DH is not emotionally invested in your family at all. What does he say when you talk to him about it?

Very little. That he’s tired of hearing the same thing and it’s boring listening to me repeating myself.

Just saw he’s not providing for you! What?! How are you managing financially then? Bit weird…why would you have a baby with a man who doesn’t share his money with you?!

Slight overreaction!

we both pay our mortgage 50% each and share all bills 50%. I’m on maternity pay and I’m still affording to pay my share. He’s not taking over paying for anything since I’ve gone onto my maternity pay.

www.tommys.org/pregnancy-information/blogs-and-stories/after-birth/tommys-midwives/postnatal-depression-men

I'm sorry you're going through this OP. Just a thought...could this be the problem at all? x

The fact is he still provides aswel 50/50. You have a newborn baby they don't need intensive play at 9 weeks anyway,however as for him leaving his dirty laundry, expecting his food handed to him after work, also not engaging with you in family events or in general. Like you mentioned he won't speak to you and you sound unhappy, so it's all up to you if you want to leave him or wait for him to improve his habits/behavior,bare in mind you only just had a baby