Does parenting end at a certain age? Opinions…

[SAHMTO]

As it says really, what are peoples views on parenting older kids? In my personal opinion once a parent, always a parent. Granted, I won’t be doing their washing or cooking them three meals a day when my kids are up and grown but in terms of emotional support and love for me it’s a forever commitment.

Backstory to this question comes from my personal experiences. I’m early 30’s, 3yo and one on the way due end of the year. Financially stable and in a long term relationship (10 years +). Don’t require any kind of financial help or support (infact it’s the other way round and we end up sponsoring anything that’s done with both sides of parents). Partner works very long and intense hours running small scale successful business. Get no help with childcare from parents but I’m well aware I’m not owed anything.

can only explain this pregnancy as emotionally draining and if I’m honest I’ve struggled keeping myself balanced. Not like my usual self at all and have felt very emotional and lonely. Would love the emotional support from my own mum but it’s like she’s just done parenting now. Get told I should count myself lucky as all our bills are paid and we have a roof over of heads. (I come from a large family who have struggled financially). She’s not interested in me or my life, never asks about me and if I ever speak of something that we’re working towards business wise it’s seen as gloating. (ALOT of time commitment had gone into us starting and running this business) or if I ever briefly mention how I’ve been feeling I’m reminded that alcoholic cousin is a single mother and has it harder ect.

suppose I’m just feeling like I’m missing the woman figure in my life who i can look up to and chat openly too but question myself if I’m asking too much still wanting emotional support and guidance as a woman in her 30’s.

No you are not asking too much.

Is there another female role model in your life you could reach out to?

Sounds like she might be a bit jealous. I have a fairly similar superficial relationship with my own mother. I have just accepted that she is who she is and can't change. It's such a shame as I think it's caused her to miss out on so much over the years, but I've realised that I can't force a relationship that's just not there. Her loss IMO

I feel similarly. I have some very strong friendships instead and get (and give in return!) a lot of emotional sustenance this way, but it doesn't quite replace what I think I'm missing.

I also get a fix of unconditional love and support from practising Christianity, but that might be a bit of a radical and/or imaginary solution helps me though.

I don't think it's too much to wish for. I hope I'll feel more generously towards my own children as adults. But some hard days, by the time I've got them to bed I am utterly spent and all wrung out of love and kindness, and I wonder if I am indeed exactly like my own mother, and will be similarly done by 18.

I don't have a great relationship with my mother so my views are probably coloured by that.

I sort of assume that your primary source of emotional support comes from your spouse not your parents once you're married

I think different people feel the need for more emotional support than others - she may just not really know what you want from her

What about your dad? Siblings? Friends? I would love to have the sort of dynamic with my mum that other people do but I don't so I look to others for support when I need it

@HelpMeUnpickThis Unfortunately not, my partner is my main support but I miss the connection a woman’s support provides. Although I come from a large extended family they’re not close and my partners family are the opposite end of the country and mostly male.

@WhineWhineWhineWINE I hate saying it out loud but I’ve often questioned this. The fact we have became somewhat successful seems to of alienated me from my own family. Both parents haven’t worked for 20+ years. My dad has been in bad health throughout my life but my mum has chose not too. The fact we want better (without being arrogant about it, I’m very humble) seems to make my mum resent me it seems.

@notsurewherenotsurewhy I wish I had strong friendships but unfortunately not my reality! I do have some fellow mum friends but don’t know them well enough to put on them like that though. We live quite rurally and have moved around previously for work. Second what you say about being completely spent some nights though!

@sweepleall yeah I agree majority emotional support comes from my partner but work commitments means he’s not home a lot of time. Although he does offer support he’s a typical man and I miss the idea of having a woman to speak openly too. My dad is probably who I’m closest too but he’s been in bad health for a lot of years and in all honestly he dosent speak up to my mum much as she will argue black is blue with him at the drop of a hat.

Never! my eldest is 21 and whenever she says "mum I'm n adult yknow not a baby no more" I always tell her "you will ALWAYS be MY baby n I will always be your mum!" This could come from something as simple as me putting my arm in front of her before crossing a road lol

I'm still very much a Mum to my daughter in her 40s. I expect one far off day the positions will reverse as I enter my declining years.

It's an interesting question.

My teenagers need me far less than they did as small children and while DH and I are still guiding them at this stage we are letting them grow by letting go. So, e.g. they have had days out with friends using public transport with minimum input from us. We have to give them the space to make their own mistakes.

As a young Mum you feel the need for your Mum's guidance but maybe it's like a teenager going on that first day trip. She's giving you the space to gain confidence.

Or maybe she's not that the best Mum, I think sometimes parenting your own child can make you realise the faults in your own parents. But it's OK, nobody is a perfect parent and there will be something you do as a parent that some day your child will be complaining about to their peers. You are anadult and can cope without a perfect parent, as long as she was good enough when you were young.

Ultimately I think parenting, even in the most loving family, comes to an end in old age when you start being less capable than your adult children. MIL is in her 80s and beginning to suffer some memory loss. Her children (in their 50s) have to watch out for her now, not the other way round.

It never ends but the type of parenting changes. My parents still help me and support me

I think the emotional support you're looking for isn't the norm for parents of grown kids (at least among people I know), although I'm not commenting on whether it "should" be.

I'm your age. Neither my dh or I confide much in our parents even though we get on very well with both sets. Both sets of parents are the type of people who would be slightly uncomfortable acting as counsellor but would do anything practical to help. (My mum is from the other side of the world and my in laws are British so I don't think this is particularly cultural either).

If I want to confide my hopes/fears/dreams to someone it would be dh, and him to me. We discuss superficial concerns with parents but not the deep stuff. Most of my friends are the same with their parents.

For example, I never told my mum the extent of my PPD, and definitely not at the time. And when my dh and I had some relationship wobbles (my fault) he never told his parents, for ehich I'll always be grateful

Im very much Still doing parent style help and support to my dc (in their 20s) and i Hope I always will. I still get support sbd love from my mom. I’m 56. I hope I always will.

I understand where you are coming from, I think. I really wanted that type of emotional support while pregnant and when DD was little. This wasn't available for me as my mum had already been dead for a long time, and no other female relative could really provide that support (even if they tried, which my aunt did to a degree). However, although I still miss my mum every day, the "need" for help has morphed into wishing she were here to enjoy her grandchildren. It must be hard knowing that your mum is there but choosing not to get involved.

Parenting is never done.

But, listening to someone moan about their life gets old very quickly. So be careful that isn’t what you want, because even if you make close female friendships, you’ll lose them fast as you use them as unpaid therapy.

You parent until you are not capable through illness or old age

My mum is 90, recently widowed and after dad died had to move to a care home as she has dementia. She still parents me. Eg she worries about me driving safely, getting home late, asks me if I have enough money etc.

She has always said things like 'Where would you come to if you ever had a problem? You know we will always help you if we can.'

Until about 5 years ago if I visited and she made me a sandwich for the journey home she would put a note in the box telling me how nice it was to see me or how much she loved me.

I think one of the reasons for this is that she never knew her own parents and grew up feeling very alone and unloved with no one to help through life's problems. She is therefore determined that her own children never feel like that. Perhaps people who haven't needed the support of others as adults don't understand that other people may need that.

but in terms of emotional support and love for me it’s a forever commitment.

Yes, absolutely.
DD is 23, and lives independently 100 miles away. I will never stop loving her, supporting her or worrying about her well being.

There are a significant number of mumsnetters who seem to think that once their DC turn 18 they instantly become well adjusted, mature and responsible adults who no longer need any kind of parental support.

Meanwhile, in the real world this if usually not the case.

I know I've said this before- but when my mother was 80, she told me how worried she was about my older brother-then 60ish-because she noticed that his memory was not as good as it had been and she thought he might have early onset Altzheimer's. He didn't-but he did have another neurological condition....she was right.

Sons in their 40's and 20's we both still worry about them. In fact it's worse because we now worry about their partners and children as well 🙈😂

i think maybe some people have read my post as I’m looking for an unpaid therapist. This isn’t the case, as I mentioned I ask for and don’t get any physical, financial or childcare help from parents and nor do I expect it, but a phone call or just feeling like she’s genuinely interested in me or my life. Just a general ‘how are you feeling?’ Or ‘how have things been?’ Would be nice. As mentioned were financially generous/supportive to both sets of parents (eg: just had to buy one side a new car as previous one dosent live up to new ULEZ standards) yet when mentioning anything from our own life its usually a roll of the eyes and the conversation is one word replies and shut down. It just feels hard to have a genuine relationship when it feels so superficial and missing a motherly connection seems like too much to ask for

No OP. Yanbu. Of course you aren't.

And uts normal to question your relationships with your parents as you embark on your parenting journey.

Your mum can't offer you what you'd like. I'd reach out to your dad instead and look to make some new friends. I found having babies a good opportunity for this.

Ah, you're the family bank! I've had clients who have family members who are better off than them and often say stuff like "it is easy for her, she has a job" and "if I had money, I'd help out my family" and the specific form that helping would take would be whatever my client happens to be lacking at that time. They rarely appreciate how hard the family member is working to earn the money, it is like they won the lottery without entering.
Disclaimer: I'm talking about half a dozen individuals over 12 years, not tarring everyone with the same brush. I've not seen the same phenomenon in my personal life. But I always have a degree of empathy with the rich relative as they usually aren't loaded, just working a job while juggling childcare and don't have enough spare cash to support a second family.

When my mother was in her 80s she was worrying about my older brother's memory. She was concerned he had early onset dementia He was 62. (He didn't, but he did have a herd condition that was diagnosed after she convinced him to go to the doctor)

Mothers day always reminds me that I don't have the mother I want or deserve, she's toxic and since having my own children it's made me have even less to do with her. I do better for my own children.
I am close to an aunt for a female I can look up to.
I am trying to accept I don't have the loving mother others do, but I am close to my MIL.

I know exactly what you mean.

I am my kids mum even though they are both adults with lives of their own, they know they can come to me, no matter what time of day and I will be there to listen and support.

When my DH was dying I hoped against hope for support from my mum but there was none to be found even though I had been there all the way when my dad died. I knew, deep down that she wouldn't because it's been that way all my life. Sometimes I just want her to be a mum, to listen and to be there.