Really struggling with my 4 year old

[Jamtartforme]

DD has recently turned 4. She goes to nursery which she enjoys and they haven’t raised any concerns about her at all. Her reports have glowing feedback about how popular she is, what a great sense of humour she has and how good she is at imaginary play. She’s very chatty and her speech is excellent. So far so good.

However, I’m becoming very frustrated with her day to day behaviour and I’m not sure whether I’m expecting too much or whether her difficulties are masked by the nursery setting and more visible at home.

Here are the main issues:

1. She can’t concentrate on anything. Ever. She’s never finished colouring in a picture (not even close), any activity will only occupy her for literally a couple of minutes. You have to really coach her to finish even a small jigsaw (that she initially said she wanted to do).
2. She seems to struggle with fine motor type stuff - putting on her own shoes, holding a cup, using a knife and fork. I’m not expecting perfection but she creates an absolute mess doing basically anything. She drops her cutlery on the floor at least twice every single meal, food everywhere (no tidier than when she was about 18 months old), drinks are constantly knocked over or just fall from her hands.
3. She has no danger awareness. She throws herself around constantly and laughs if she nearly has an accident, even if it’s a scary one. She does silly things constantly, if she’s ahead of you on the stairs she will randomly throw herself back so you have to catch her. She climbs on the edge of the bath the second your back is turned and tries to balance on one leg.
4. She’s completely untrustworthy around roads. I still have to hold her hand to walk virtually anywhere close to a road. She dawdles, stops in the middle of the road when we cross it, tightrope walks down the kerb, I’m constantly having to grab her back and remind her to be sensible. She doesn’t look where she’s going and falls over. I see other kids same age walking, simply just walking, behind their mums and think HOW??? The mums don’t even have to look back to check on them, it blows my mind.

I realise this may not read like much but I cannot stress enough that it is all the time. I’m tired from being in a state of hyper vigilance because she can’t be trusted to walk down a road, or up the stairs without doing something silly or careless.

I adore her but it’s really testing my patience.

Any suggestions or advice gratefully received.

Do you think she has sensory issues? children who crave the stimulation for their bodies may not realise the dangers around them as they are too busy feeding their bodies. Their sense of danger to their surroundings are not a priority. She is either seeking this stimuli or it's a fight or flight mode where she is bothered by her environment.

@Jamtartforme this post sound the same as my dd she's the same age too I drive me nuts the amount of times I have to get the hoover out to clean up after her and I don't thinks she's ever not made a mess even wen colouring it ends up all over her lol x

I had a child like this, except she wasn't in danger because her physical disabilities prevented her from throwing herself around as much as she would have liked. I accepted this was how she was, because all kids are different. I managed my expectations and the situations she was in, and that worked well for us. Our society values the ability to focus and sit still, so there is a risk that kids who aren't good at those things will end up with low self-esteem. Mine was home educated, which meant there was less pressure on her to do things she couldn't yet manage.

DC has improved vastly over the years and is 17 now. She still has a shorter attention span than most people, but is able to do the things she wants to do. She was in her teens before she could safely and reliably cross the road, but she can do it now - in fact she is better than most people at it! She knows she cannot do it on autopilot and needs to consciously think about all the steps involved. My guess is that she would have been diagnosed with ADHD as she ticks most of the boxes for that, but being home educated, she didn't need a diagnosis so we didn't pursue one. Many of the standard ADHD strategies work for her, so I think it wouldn't hurt for you to look those up and see whether they are a good fit for your daughter.

I believe there is evidence that gross motor activities (running, climbing, swinging, spinning) help with the clumsiness you describe. My child was diagnosed with dyspraxia at the age of eight, but I wouldn't say she is at all clumsy now, except that her handwriting/drawing remains childlike. She developed a craving for the above activities so I took her to the park and adventure playground as often as possible. We also put an anchor point in her bedroom ceiling from which to suspend swings, a trapeze bar, or a hammock, all of which she loved. Of course, I can't be sure whether all the activity helped with her dyspraxia or whether she just outgrew it.

Thanks everyone.

I’m querying ADHD but will keep an eye on her for a couple of years and see what school think then - she starts in a few weeks and they’re probably better placed to know than nursery, plus there will be some expectations that weren’t there at nursery so it will be interesting to see if she can meet them.

Sensory issues - hmm, I don’t think so. Certainly not as part of ASD, shes kind of got whatever the opposite of ASD is if that makes sense! She’s very very sociable, will eat anything, doesn’t have meltdowns but equally no ‘special interests’ (she seems to get bored of everything really quickly) and a really strong imagination. I would assume there would also be sensory things she wouldn’t like as well as ones she does, but she doesn’t have any triggers at all.

I think the root of her problem is her mental focus. I offered her a chocolate biscuit if she could get dressed and shoes on and gave her a couple of minutes to do it, came back and there she was fully dressed. So she can do these things, she just seems to lose focus within a second of being asked to do anything.

I’ll look up ADHD strategies just to get a head start and see if they work. Does anyone have any recommendations please?

@Jamtartforme you don't have to asd or adhd to have sensory issues. I have a 4yo son and is exactly the same as you have described your daughter where I was worried for a couple of years not knowing whether this was normal or not even down to the eating. He never ticked the boxes for asd but at a first glance it looks like adhd but after further investigation, he just only has sensory issues which answered all the behaviour that was in a grey area.

I think the concentration thing sounds completely normal for a just turned 4 year old. My nearly six year old won't sit and concentrate or finish colouring in a picture or a jigsaw!

Not sure about the safety stuff, I know with mine I'm constantly having to warn him that he's about to hurt himself as he has no awareness or fear of it!

If nursery haven't reported anything I wouldn't be jumping down the ADHD route, she's still so young. I do have ADHD but it didn't become apparent until around 11 years old, obviously everyone is different but I do worry sometimes it's being over diagnosed privately in younger children who are just acting like children.

With respect I don't agree with you. A 6 year old should be able to concentrate on drawing for a short time, and have more safety awareness. You describe a history of ADHD in the family so perhaps your expectations are different.

OP I would see what school say. She sounds a very bright child too but can see your concerns and how tricky it must be to manage daily! No down time I'm guessing at home for you as its go go go

With me having it myself I have brought up to the school about my son as obviously I was concerned he may have it too. But respect maybe I have a warped view on things. I do think a just turned 4 year old isn't usually capable of sitting doing a drawing to completion - maybe I'm wrong though.

I have a 4 year old and he can sit and do a picture, play a game or whatever really well. I'm not trying to brag as I have a 10 year old who at that age would have struggled to do that and is now under assessment for asd and adhd. He also has dyspraxia. It may be something, it may be nothing. They are very young still. Have a word with the nursery maybe and see what they say when you voice your concerns?

Idk OP it honestly just sounds like normal behaviour for a 4 yr old. My DS is turning 7 next month and still has limited awareness of roads and danger, still sometimes drops his fork/knocks his glass over, doesn’t enjoy sitting down and colouring. I think your expectations are a bit too high. She’s 4!

I certainly wouldn't be worried about the concentration issue or the messiness at that age. I'm not sure what I think about the throwing herself around. I would just work with it and carry on.

Why not record her and play it back to her, tell her she's acting like a baby?
It might shock her enough to behave.

@pinkyredrose shaming children (or anyone) nowadays is considered a very bad idea

To the OP, our GP said they won't consider ADHD until well over 5 years old because there's so much overlap between the range of normal and the range of ADHD at younger ages. Maybe your child is behind at the moment, but you might find they improve.
What I'd recommend is flagging any concerns and keeping in touch with school as much as possible (also choose a school that has the best attitude to SEN in your area)
They see so many children they can easily pick up anything out of the ordinary and they are your best allies to get assessment and support.
Also keep an eye on yourself and other family members as it's common to recognise yourself in your child.
Good luck, it's tough being a parent!