Help!

[Meejee]

I’m really struggling with my 3yo. He has been very difficult since he was a newborn, he didn’t sleep and cried almost 24/7 for the first year and a half. I had PPD which I don’t think I’ve ever fully gotten over, I think I might actually have PTSD from his younger years but I’ve never been diagnosed.

He has many many tantrums everyday over anything and everything. He kicks, screams, hits, throws things, bites himself, pulls his hair, hits his head against the wall, puts his hands down his throat and makes himself gag. He does this for at least 20 minutes before eventually crying and allowing me to comfort him and talk about the situation. I don’t know how to deal with him when he acts like that. I usually just physically restrain him by holding his arms or legs so he can’t hurt himself or me and just wait for him to let the anger turn to sadness so I can comfort him and move forward.

When I tell him off for something he either acts like the above or laughs and thinks it’s hilarious and continues to do it while laughing. For example he hit his big sister for no reason (he goes in hyper moods where he runs around doing things he knows he shouldn’t then runs away laughing to himself) when I told him not to he laughed then done it again so I took him for a time out where he giggled to himself and kept trying to run out of time out and laughing when I stopped him. I told him he had to say sorry for hitting, that it’s not nice and hurts etc. so he went back over pretending he was going to say sorry then hit her again and ran away laughing. I put him back in timeout and it happened again at least 5 times until I lost my patience and shouted at him that he had to say sorry to his sister or I would make him stay in time out for the rest of the day until he apologized. I felt so horrible I never want to shout at my children I just didn’t know how to get him to listen and behave.

Tonight I was putting him to bed and as usual he was refusing to lay in his bed, getting out his bed and trying to run down stairs. Every time I was getting him and putting him back in bed he was laughing then kicking me. After a few times I lost my patience again and picked him up and started crying saying why are you doing this? Why can’t you behave? You never behave! I can’t cope with you! Dh heard me and came upstairs told me he would deal with him as I was verbally assaulting him and it’s not ok. He’s right, I feel so ashamed. I feel like the worst mum ever. I just don’t know how to deal with him and how to deal with the frustration that I feel when he doesn’t behave.

Can someone please help and give me tips on how to deal with his behaviour and most importantly how to deal with my frustration.

Is he at nursery, what do they say about his behaviour ?

His behaviour does sound extreme and not what I would say is typical for a 3 year old. My DS entered preschool at 3 and I can't remember him behaving at all like that. Crying or shouting when he didn't get his own way but nothing you've described. As PP said what is his behaviour like in a different setting? Has concerns been raised regarding ADHD/ASD etc? It sounds like PDA, have a look into it and see how it lines up? I would also speak to your HV about an assessment

He goes to nursery 1 day a week. He seems to get on fine there and they have no concerns about his behaviour but they have told me before that there was a time he was throwing a tantrum about no being able to go outside in the garden with another group of children. Instead of telling him he would have to wait until it was his time they let him join that group. So I don’t know if he behaves better there because they just let him get his own way.

Some close family members have suggested that he may be on the spectrum. I spoke to HV about this before, she said he seems fine and he just struggles with his emotions.