Is this bad parenting?

[shitmummy]

With my 4 year old

• If he speaks to me rudely I say "that's not how you speak to me, when you are ready to speak to me nicely I will listen" he will usually apologise and ask nicely, sometimes he will keep being rude and I'll ignore him until he stops.

• If he lashes out I will say "you are not allowed to hurt people, when you are ready to have your kind hands we can carry on/I will come back/we can stay etc" again usually he will apologise, if he doesn't and we are out the house we will leave and he will be told that if he is violent we go straight home.

• If he has a big tantrum and totally loses it, mostly I'll let him get it out his system, again if he gets rude or aggressive then I do the above points, if he's making a scene I'll try and help him work through it, take a deep breath etc. Afterwards we will talk about how we can deal with things better

• If he is demanding something and I've said no and he's screaming at me and getting rude he will be told that screaming at me doesn't change my answer, it'll still be a no but he will also have to go home/not get something else either etc. I never back down on a hard no, he will kick off for a few minutes sometimes, sometimes we'll have to leave

This is the parenting style that I find works for him. The second I raise my voice it escalates and makes the whole situation worse. There is a reason I parent him the way I do. I stand by it.

I have however been told that I don't parent him, that he needs discipline and that I am not providing it. I feel really offended by it and am struggling to move past it. I just wanted some reflection, I just read another thread about how gentle parenting is raising a generation of entitled children. Am I doing it that badly?

I think that sounds like good parenting and how I’d generally like to handle my kids as they grow up. Sounds like you have firm boundaries and follow through. Nothing lacking discipline there, sounds like he gets natural consequences. Ie tantrum is public means make go home etc. Hitting means you can’t play closely with you until you use kind hands etc. No need to overly punish a child when you actually enforce the boundaries you’re setting.

Don’t let that comment eat away at you. It sounds like your doing a great job!

That's the same style I try to use and see no issues with it.

There's no need to lose your cool or shout or threaten. Kids should have boundaries and consequences, explained to them calmly and logically.

That’s how I parent, firm but fair, always follow through with consequences etc. I don’t act aggressively, raise my voice volume, though still definitely change tone. Can’t be doing too badly, my teens and adult children are decent and successful.
It is relevant who offered that opinion - the other parent, you need to communicate to attempt to compromise on parenting etc, anyone else just ignore.

It sounds fine, as long as you actually do follow through with the consequences. I'm not suggesting you don't, but I can't think of one time where I've heard a parent threaten something and then actually followed through with it, and that's I think where the problems come in. So as long as your not doing that then keep on as you are and just remember whatever you do someone will always be ready to judge you! You can't win!!
As long as your doing what you know is right by your DC then try to ignore any negative comments.

Thank you, that's so reassuring. We do follow through, I've left soft plays we've paid £7 to get in and driven 40 minutes to get to within 5 minutes because he has been violent before. He knows I mean it when I say we'll leave.

I think it sounds firm and sensible. It's how I try to parent my little one too, what are people suggesting the alternative is? Shouting at them? Because surely that's just doing exactly what you told them not to do half the time.

I always think that my little ones brain is 3 years old. Mine is 33 years old. Sometimes I am cross and whingy and unreasonable but due to how many years I have lived I know how to handle it. They shouldn't be punished too severely for things when their brains are literally still developing in my opinion.

Sounds like you're doing a great job to me. I'm guessing the negative comment perhaps came from a grandparent/ member of the older generation, where smacking and shouting was more the norm.
I'd keep doing what you're doing if I were you!

Your style sounds similar to mine and has been shown to be most effective to raise happy well functioning children. Who is criticising the way you do things? What are they like as a parent?