Defiant 2 year old after 2nd baby - please share your wisdom!

[Roundandnettledr]

My DS is 2 and a half and he just has no respect for when me or my partner say no.

We give him consequences for bad behaviour (usually time out in his bedroom for short period) and praise the good behaviour but it’s like he doesn’t care if we tell him off at all. If we say ‘no don’t do that’ he will just do it.

I’m not sure how to put this cause I don’t want my child to be scared of me of course, but it’s like he has no fear of disobeying us at all and I just don’t know what to do. He’s generally pretty compliant when we ask him to do things like put shoes on or put something in the bin etc but terrible when we are telling him no or stop.

he’s acting out a lot more recently as we have a new baby at home (5 weeks old) but this has been a problem since before then and it’s just amplified. He’s also having tantrums about literally everything and particularly over when something he wants to direct or control doesn’t go his way (like wanting me to drive the car rather than DP for instance) I’m making the effort to give him lots of extra 1 on 1 play without the baby but not sure what else to do.

if anyone has any wisdom or methods to share to help with this phase I’d really appreciate it - thanks!

I'm not sure he's old enough to understand consequences really? I personally wouldn't be putting him anywhere for time out, just making it clear the behaviour is not acceptable in a calm manner and then distract/move on to something else. Using phrases like 'we don't hit x, it makes mummy sad' or 'we don't throw x, you can find a ball to throw if you want to?'. How to talk so little kids will listen is great and the strategies work really well with our 2 year old. Good you're giving him lots of 1:1, he needs reassuring as the new sibling will be making him feel very insecure. Hopefully with a bit of time it will settle down.

Thank you for the recommendation! ☺️

He'll look big compared to your newborn, but he's still very little. I have food in the fridge older than him!!

imagine if your DH brought another woman home to also be his wife. Don't you think you'd be a bit defiant, pissed off & not very compliant? He was your baby , your world & now this imposter has turned up uninvited (by him).

just carry on giving him 1:1, bugging up the Big Boy/Big Brother aspects and showing him he's just as loved as he ever was.

He’s had a huge shock to his life. He’s trying to control things by demanding what he wants because he feels a loss of control. You have to stay calm but firm and show him lots of love and attention. It will take a while but he’ll come through it.

PS you said this began before baby arrived but he will have been aware of changing circumstances when you were pregnant.

And we don’t call it the terrible twos for nothing …

I have a big age gap between mine and didn’t have this issue, but I’ve seen it in other families plenty of times.

2 and a half is not too young for time out. Best time to teach them.

@Cowlover89 there's a lot to be said for time out never being appropriate but I was being kind...

We had ours at 2.5 years apart and this sounds quite familiar. My oldest has to be reminded to use her "listening ears" all the time, she is very strong willed, though full of personality. The transition was tough, i'm not going to lie. She was initially very happy about her sibling, then got very clingy, then quite angry and we couldn't leave her alone with him without the baby being pushed etc. It did take time, but it got much better and now she is all about pushing him on the swings, she is the one that the baby laughs the hardest for, and she knows he worships her. It makes me really glad I had a second child, but the getting used to the new dynamic phase was hard. Big Little Feelings on insta recommed a "10 minute miracle" which you can call mum and XX time or something, and tell your toddler that you are doing it. No phones, no TVs, especially no baby, but just you and your older one doing something alone, for at least 10 minutes a day. That did help us x

2 and a half is very little for time out! Redirect and try to stop saying no all the time (easier said than done!). They are learning how to behave at this stage and where the boundaries are. So if for example he is doing something you don’t want him to - throwing something he shouldn’t, say ‘we don’t throw this’ and take it away from him or distract with something else. He might tantrum but he’ll get over it and he’ll learn that it’s a firm no to doing that action. He won’t understand why you are putting him in his room - his brain isn’t that developed that he’ll put it together so please stop doing that. He’ll be scared and confused.