Advice: friend about to have a baby & worries lifestyle won’t fit

[Firecrest17]

A close friend is about to have his first baby and came to me asking for advice about whether his lifestyle will work. I gave a vague answer and moved the conversation on as I wasn’t sure what to say. His lifestyle is very different to mine (I have two dc & work part time, my priority is time with my children which has come at the cost of career and money).

both he and his partner work full time, long hours including weekends and evenings. They are UK based but work for US companies so have two weeks annual leave a year. Both have had excellent health and sleep so never need to take sick days. So far they’ve led a very grown up city life: expensive restaurants, etc. They’ve had very little contact with children. They plan 3 months maternity leave for her, none for him then back to work full time with baby in 12 hour a day care.

my instinct was to say nothing as I imagine they’ll find their own way and I’m aware our inherent differences could make me biased.

any thoughts?

Really?

If they're based in the UK UK employment law applies. Sounds very odd.

Sure they will be able to make their own decisions when the baby arrives.

About to have a baby as in, partner is pregnant and baby's arrival is imminent? Well these are questions they should have answered for themselves some time ago. I think your instinct to nod and smile and keep it vague is spot on. They're going to have to find out the hard way

my instinct was to say nothing as I imagine they’ll find their own way

Exactly right.

I don’t understand the holiday thing.

They'll find out on their own eventually.

The fact he’s asking you if his lifestyle will work is probably very telling
as deep down he probably knows it won’t.
I wouldn’t advise him personally as both your lives sound very different and everyone has their own priorities.
He’ll have to find out the hard way but a child in 12 hour day care just isn’t acceptable in my book.

If they live in the UK then their employer should have a leave and maternity policy that reflects UK law. I think they need to check their rights.

3 months maternity leave is madness.

I took 12 months +3 months (carry over holidays) maternity leave and still I felt heartbroken about going back to work 3 days and having DC in nursery those days. Your friends will learn the hard way

Isn't it a bit late to be thinking about that?

You're right to just nod and smile.

Well their life is definitely going to change, sounds to me like he's getting cold feet.

Bit late for that now though if she's already expecting.

I don't know that I'd say anything. Not my business and I don't think he's going to want to hear "yes it will be very hard, your lifestyle will change around the baby not the other way around, you will be exhausted and you can kiss the fancy restaurants goodbye for a bit, enjoy all the poop!" is he?

Thanks. This was my feeling (letting them work it out). It was only on my way home (after the conversation) that I thought wow, it’s going to be hard! & the very full time childcare shocked me a bit - don’t get me wrong! I fully appreciate some people have no choice, but they have plenty of money so it’s not a work to survive issues.

my understanding of the annual leave is that they have to take the same as colleagues who are all US based (small company I think) and the short maternity leave was a choice.

Baby girl due next month so definitely imminent!

haha! Well exactly!

They definitely need to check their legal rights to leave.

'Baby girl due next month so definitely imminent!'

Jesus. Definitely keep schtum. No helping some people

I think it’s a personal choice and a kind of work ethic in their company to stick to the same principles as their colleagues. They previously haven’t wanted time off… but I got the impression they feel there’s no point staying with their company if they took much more time off than their colleagues. It baffles me personally but I appreciate their work has always been their passion

I know someone who worked as an employment lawyer for a US company based in the UK and an awful lot of her work was reminding them that they couldn't just treat their staff as if US law applied. They didn't give a shit and frequently ended up paying off their illegally sacked employees to go away.

I'm sure you had the right instinct in your response and after all people have babies in American companies. I'd advise them though to meet with an employment lawyer and go through contracts to be sure of their rights. Plus look out for things like much better provision for breast pumping support in US companies - because so many mothers are back at work so early, they are often better at providing comfortable places and fridges for storing breast milk. Also they might want to consider a nanny rather than nursery as it's more flexible and personal for the baby.

That sort of stuff might give them a pause for thought...

I think I would have said something personally since he’s a close friend and actually came and asked you. That way they could consider extending their maternity leave at least before she goes off. They might be under the impression that 3 months is normal here. They’re obviously free to carry on as they wish.

I went back to work after 3 months as did quite a few friends and was absolutely fine but my mum had the baby so I new 100% she was loved and cared for. I also only worked a 7 hour day. I don't think I could have left her in childcare and definitely not for 12 hours. I don't even think a nursery would do this. Sounds like they need a full time live in nanny

I wouldn't say anything - I doubt it will really hit home unless it's personal experience anyway. Decisions on maternity leave are not fixed - you retain the right to take the full year even if you initially say you will take less so they will have opportunities to rethink things. Equally if they decide they don't want the baby in child care 12 hours a day, they have the option to reduce hours or change jobs. Having heavy hypothetical conversations now is probably not useful or necessary.

Returning to work after 3 months and sticking the baby in 12 hour childcare. Why bother having a child, poor kid.

I don't think it's on to mat leave shame people, if their main influence is their work colleagues and work has been their main driver then it's no wonder they're adopting a more American model.

I think what you can do OP, given he's a friend and he's asked the question, is gently make sure that they're aware of their rights under UK law and - critically - when she has to officially tell work she's coming back. Best not to sign up to anything that can't be changed. 'You can always work that out once the baby comes along' would be my mantra. And just gently let them know that the cultural norm at their work doesn't have to be their norm as a family!

I wouldn't pass comment. Going back after 3 months isn't so bad, but not to both doing those work schedules. Plenty of countries have 6-8 weeks mat leave as the norm. I'm sure once the baby arrives they'll realise themselves they need to make some compromises!

Well life's certainly going to change for them regardless of what you say or don't say. I wonder if they thought any of this through before TTC.

I live a very similar life (bar the holidays, get 6 weeks) and it works fine - I felt much happier with a wonderful nanny that nursery with a 2 month old but I know my child is taken care of fabulously and I have cleaners and other help to ensure I can spend as much time as possible with my child. We don't have as many nights out in expensive restaurants but try and make sure we do once a month. Friends were judgmental about my mat leave which made me feel awful before I went back but I actually found it absolutely fine and much easier than all day taking care of a baby which wasn't for me.