4 year old hurting baby

[johnd2]

I have an only just 4 year old, -the baby is nearly 1 and starting to crawl etc.
My older child is trying things like stepping on the baby's hand, or shouting at them, or physically stopping them doing things in quite a rough way which sometimes is effectively pushing the baby over and therefore banging their head on the floor.

Now I'm not worried for the baby's safety but so far we are dealing with by expressing surprise and concern for the baby, and going to help and suggesting (but not enforcing) they need to repair things. But there are clearly either some big feelings flying around, or just experimentation perhaps? I've been hanging tight so far.

How would you deal with this?

I'd be doing a lot more than you are. 4 years old is old enough to behave appropriately with a baby. You sound incredibly laid back and ineffective. Discipline your child before your baby suffers a serious injury.

Hmmm.

I would make it clear they must never, never hurt their baby brother or sister. It is okay if they don’t like them sometimes or if they feel angry, but they must never hurt the baby.
If I caught them about to or in the act, they’d be physically removed immediately and with a sharp verbal reprimand and any ensuing tantrum ignored.

Meanwhile all positive interactions would get lavish praise and attention for the eldest.

There is a risk to the baby and while it’s great if you can discuss this calmly with your four year old, it’s clear you can’t rely on it. They have to grasp it is a hard no with unpleasant consequences. Expressing surprise suggests you think it’s an accident, and it isn’t. I think that risks the four year old upping the ante and getting bolder, - because she or he thinks you’re conveniently slow on the uptake.

Yes, your 4 year old is having big feelings but you do need to be firmer in actually telling him/her that these behaviours are unkind and unacceptable.
Not surprise. That's not really educating your older child is it? Your baby is getting hurt. Protect them.
Your older child is jealous and that needs an approach that reassures them and rebukes the harm. It doesn't have to be one or the other.

Firstly I would make sure that the baby is never, ever left alone and unsupervised with the 4 year old.

Every single time the 4 year old is aggressive towards the baby when you are there, remove the baby and yourself. Use clear words with the 4 year old. 'Do not hit/pinch/squeeze the baby'.

Alongside this, make sure you are having quality time alone with the 4 year old.

Also, support the 4 year old to help you with caring for the baby. Regularly give targeted praise for all appropriate behaviour. Eg 'I love the way that you held the baby's hand so gently.'

Thanks all, that's useful, I appreciate your helpful comments on this and will use your ideas where necessary

Also sorry I've no idea why I wrote they are 4 as it's still several months until their 4th birthday! But I don't think it changes the approach much.