Ten year old DS showing aggression to parents

[devondad1]

Well this is a message I never expected to have to post.

My ten year old DS (the youngest of four) has always been a handful but some time ago crossed the line into being openly verbally and physically aggressive towards me and DP. I know it sounds silly that an experienced parent cannot control this, but our older children did not display this kind of behaviour, or at least not to this degree.

This has been an issue for some time and we have tried to handle it, but this summer it has worsened. Currently I would say that we end up in an argument with DS at his initiation at least once every day and around 50% of these end with him lashing out at me or DP with his teddy, with other toys, with cushions or with his fists.

I am fully aware how ridiculous this thread sounds, and I am not suggesting that physically my DS's blows cause any physical discomfort let alone harm, but I am finding it really difficult to deal with being punched and yelled at every day.

I also do not know how to react. As a man in my forties, you would think that handling an aggressive 10 year old would be no problem, but when I speak to him he ignores me and I do not want to make any physical interventions (other than where this involves another child or sibling, where I do intervene to prevent harm).

Sorry, that was a long way to say I am a grown man with a child who ignores me and hits me, and then laughs when I tell him off. I don't know how much lower a man can fall.

Firstly, stop blaming yourself.
I work in primary with this age group and the behaviour gets worse every year.
We have fighting, swearing (including at staff), threats... I often go home with bruises from breaking up fights (I'm a TA).

I think who you son hangs around with and how the school deals with behaviour are equally important factors to consider.

My youngest is 9 (also a boy) and I know how much impact one bad friend can have.
I also wonder if he is able to say when he's upset?
Is there something bothering him that you don't know about?

I know it's difficult in the holidays but it might be worth asking a member of staff at school or another trusted adult to sit and have a chat with him.
We had a neighbour (older woman) who worked at school and ds really took a liking to her and told her what was bothering him. He wasn't telling me the whole story!

Also to add, my father (well known doctor in the area) was very strict with us. There were 5 kids, mum a sahm etc.
We were seen as the perfect family.

3/5 of us went right off the rails in our later teens. Brother got into hard drugs, prison etc and I had my fair share of stupid stuff as did sisters.
I think my father was too OTT with discipline. I've also seen kids who were horrid at a younger age turn in lovely people in their older teens.

It appears from your post that your partner is not the mother of your DS? You use the word “my” not “our” so perhaps there was an acrimonious breakup with his biological mother that may have left him angry (or perhaps not of course) but hard to give advice without full facts

i'd say don't tackle this on your own, see about professional help. some sort of child psych/or therapist which might need to include the whole family.
stay strong set an example and don't join in with the nasty talk/hitting/throwing.

As PP said I'd look into therapy, has something happened to trigger the change of behaviour? Have things changed in school for him?

How has he been developmentally as he has been growing up?

Was he a “difficult” baby? Has he always found it difficult to cope with frustration? Did he speak at the expected time and hit other milestones in the way you would expect?

Or was everything “normal” until recently and these are new behaviours?

How does he cope with school?

I just re-read and saw that you said he has “always been a handful”.

Some posters on mumsnet get ever so worked up when this question is asked (and start to froth about “labels” being used to “excuse ‘bad’ behaviour”) but just ignore that for now…

Have you researched signs of ADHD - as well as autism - to see if there are any flags there for him? (Also, don’t rule that out of school don’t see issues, they often miss it completely)

Anxiety is the biggest driver of social behaviour and sometimes it drives oppositional and aggressive behaviour. So what's causing the anxiety?

Firstly, I'd look at underlying issues such as ADHD, ASD, and developmental trauma.

Did anything happen when he was a small baby that might've affected attachment, like an illness, hospital stay, DV, PND, forced separation from you etc? This is not a blame game, it's not anyone's fault, we all do our best at the time sbd in tbe situation, these things happen in lots of people's lives and some breeze through it and others don't. Rather it's a reflection on his lived experience - you can't heal something you haven't yet acknowledged caused him pain, even if he was in the womb or very tiny when it happened.

If none of those are a cause I'd suggest assessment for other mental health issues.

Have you talked to school, looked at Action for Children, Young Minds and /or Kooth?