Toddler and newborn - this is really hard

[snickersicecreampls]

I have a 6 week old baby and a 2year old. Today has been very difficult.

My toddler fell down half a flight of stairs - I was at the bottom but he literally tumbled and I can't get the image out of my head.

Also, when we went to a cafe, I looked away for a split second and he had left his seat - I couldn't see him for a moment (he was just behind his chair) and I went in to an absolute panic and don't feel my heart rate has come down since! Honestly it was so scary.

We've just had a real day of it. Breastfeeding a newborn and keeping a toddler safe is hard. He also seems to really want to run away from me at the moment - I genuinely feel like I'm not capable of keeping both my children safe from harm. Out in public I feel like I'm on high alert, other parents seem so relaxed, I look crazy I swear!

Will I get used to having two? It really feels like a lot to think about at the moment. Makes me just want to stay at home where it's easy but I know that's not good for anyone!

I'm a lot further on than you, but I remember it vividly. It's the hardest thing ever. I survived it by basically keeping the baby in a sling. Didn't really have much choice tbf, it was a velcro baby. I feel eternal guilt at his much I expected from dc1 at 2, too. They suddenly seemed so grown up.

It gets easier sooner than you think. Although still hard. I never even got the pay off if having them play together; it's like having 2 disinterested cats, rather than children. But as teenagers, they will sit and talk with me. Which is very civilised!

Massive solidarity. Mine are four weeks and not quite two, so very close to yours. It’s bloody hard work. I’m finding it emotionally exhausting.

Really appreciating all the comments above.

I've got a 16mo and a 1 week old! Just placemarking so I can read everyone's advice.

I'm already overwhelmed and I'm onley a week in. Can't imagine leaving the house with both anytime soon!

It is hard. My only advice would be to just keep doing it. It gradually gets easier, you find what works for you and your kids, and you get used to the constant chaos.
In the early days (2 under 2) our 'days out' were usually limited to the supermarket library, toddler group, and the small enclosed play park near the house. Sometimes if my toddler or I were getting cabin fever at home I would take them a 10 minute walk to the train station to look for a train. It was enough for them and sometimes it was all I could manage.
I didn't use a double buggy. Either had baby in pram and toddler walked, or toddler in buggy and baby in carrier.
You are doing a great job OP. It feels hard because it is hard.

It gets easier.

I promise you.

Or if it doesn't get easier you get better at letting things go. I'm not sure which of those I've done!!

Mine are now 3 years and 9 months.

I forget things for my two all the time - we either muddle along or we nip into a shop and grab it. You will find ways.

I'm so sorry your little one fell down the stairs. It's awful to see and they burst into tears and are a stark reminder that "the big child" is actually still really little - they will be ok though.

Find places that feel "easy" to go to whilst you build confidence - soft play / park / play date with a lovely friend.
I also used to (I'm a lot more slapdash now!) pack the bag the night before when the kids were asleep - so I knew if I just grabbed the bag on the way out it had a snack and some nappies wipes and a spare outfit for each child. On a really good day it even had the toddlers drinks bottle too (empty admittedly but I could always get water for it when we were out!)

It's hard but you have to cut yourself some slack. You are taking care of two tiny children, with different demands, needs and wants. You are also most likely taking care of your "home" stuff like cooking / cleaning / life admin etc. not to mention your own needs! Give yourself a break and if you can, lower your standards a little bit - very little is irreparable or unmanageable and I bet you're doing better than you think! I remember another mum saying to me "my god you are making it look easy" and all I could think was I was a total fraud as I'd been crying an hour beforehand because my eldest wouldn't put her shoes on and I had forgotten to order more nappies in the Tesco shop so we were down to the last couple!

I have 21 month old and a 6 month old. Once we got BF established it got easier and each passing month it gets gradually easier. We still have tough days or tough evenings when they are both tired.

I forgot stuff all the time. If they decide to nap at completely different times I have been known to let toddler watch YouTube videos to allow me drink a cup of tea in peace. Life is centred on keeping the toddler busy and baby just goes along for the ride. Newborns are very boring for a busy toddler.

I hate it when they other need me at same time because I feel like I am doing a shit job. However, they are getting so cute together and make each other smile. I love those moments.

WOW - I don't use this forum very often but every time I do the support and advice never fails to amaze me!

Thanks everyone just feeding and reading through.

I have a sling but baby is a unit 😳 and my back is still getting used to carrying him everywhere. And yes have reigns but the toddler hates them so we are working on that.

I have basically carried on my normal life exactly as normal, it didn't even occur to me I may need to dial things Down/be selective about where I go so these responses have made me really think - I've been a bit naive really!

And to all those who said they're in the same boat, big hugs!

Been there! Incredibly tough, emotionally, mentally and physically. Obviously there are some very cute moments but the frazzle is real!
I found that by 6 months things started to get easier and now at a year, although now baby is walking which brings new challenges; things are drastically easier.
You will all adjust and pretty soon your big boy won't remember life before the baby at all and they will start plotting against you 😅

Just wanted to say you're not alone. Fellow mum with a 13 day old and a 16 month old.

It's hard. We will get through this because we're bloody amazing & superwomen. X

The thing that kept me sane with a new born baby, a 14 month old toddler and a 3 year old was that all three of them slept at the same time in the afternoon - for two hours! I could then catch up on household things or just relax/snooze on the sofa.

To go out, i had baby in big old fashioned pram, toddler on pram seat and eldest either walking on reins or sitting in the shopping tray underneath the pram - probably not safe but it worked! We swapped my small polo car for a very old VW campervan with a sliding side door. I could crouch inside to get the children sat in car seats and then lift pram or double pushchair into the van without unfolding it. An extra bonus was that there was a small cupboard to use as a changing table and also to store a potty! The downside was that I could not use car parks with a height barrier!

Feeding time was pretty stressful though as my kids always expected food to be ready instantly and it was tricky helping the three year old, feeding the toddler in a high chair while breastfeeding the baby!

I was on my own a lot as my husband worked away a lot and we lived over 200 miles from family but my lovely sister was at university and would spend most of her holidays living with my to help out, even though she had to share a bedroom with my children.

It will get easier and you adapt to doing things differently to help get into a routine. Soon you’ll be taking your oldest one to playgroup or nursery and then having a few hours with just your baby - unless you get caught out like I did and have another child!

I hear you. The only thing keeping me sane is that DS (2 years 8 months) is in nursery three days a week giving me a chance to chill with his 3 week old sister.

I have had similar issues with running off and DS won’t wear reins - tried one of those backpacks and he liked it until he realised he was on a lead then threw a tantrum! I did manage to bath them both and do DS bedtime single handed yesterday though - rather proud!

I had hoped to avoid the double pram but think I may have to if I’m ever going to leave the house again

On the sling front, if your back is struggling with carrying him at 6 weeks then the likelihood is that you haven’t got the settings right (not trying to be sarky I promise, just see so many parents out trying to use a baby sling and have it totally set up wrong and it makes your back really hurt). I also used to have mine all over the shop until my friend who was trained to help run the local NCT sling library tightened a few bits (it’s always too loose) and it made a huge difference. I can still use my carrier to carry my two year old who is over 12kg and it doesn’t hurt my back at all because I know how to set it up properly! See if you have a similar service in your local area and they will help you get a comfy fit. Or watch YouTube videos and you will see just how tight it needs to be to have baby high up enough that it doesn’t hurt your back.

you’re doing fab keep going x

Oh I’m also surprised that not many people have mentioned nursery - it’s worth it if you can afford it even just two days a week. It’s the only way I coped with our gap of 2yr 2m.

If you go to a playground, choose one with just one gate and set up your stuff right by that gate. Then the little escapers are less likely to get past you as you are physically in their way.

always pack the bag the night before

always get the children ready last for an outing

start taking mahoosive vitamin and mineral supplements. You need every bit of help you can find to make it through this age

@bagforlifeamnesty I'm using a fabric stretchy sling - a close cabboo at the moment but I do have a baby bjorn too maybe I should try that! I had him in it for probably 7 hours yesterday and my back is aching today. Breastfeeding won't be helping either!

Yes my eldest goes to nursery two days a week which definitely is a godsend. I considered dropping him to term time but not after yesterday 🤣

Relax OP, you are doing just great. Today may have been a bit crap , tomorrow will be better. I had 3 under 6 and some days were just meh but I wouldn’t have changed a thing .

Yep at 6 weeks I’d switch to a more structured carrier especially if he is quite chunky. Wrap slings have to be pulled so so tight once they have a bit of weight to them that it’s very difficult to do properly yourself.

Ah yes, those good old early days of toddler /newborn hell bliss . I had an a great wee routine with my 2 yr old dd everything ran smoothly, yes the odd day had its challenges but I felt in control and able. Roll on the arrival of dd number 2 my whole world bounced into chaos, not because of the newborn per se but my toddler became a frickin nightmare. She wouldn't sleep, became a picky eater, started hitting other kids at any play groups we went to. She constantly challenged me and I actually hated being at home all day as it was so tough. I used to watch carefree people out walking or shopping and really, really envy them. I hated spending days stuck in but that felt the safest option. But honestly in the blink of an eye it all changes, day by day little things happen and it gets easier OP

I'm now dealing with two teenagers and I long for the days were I can put them into a buggy and walk or keep them in the house lol

Honestly, just do what you can, nobody Judges you and if Mickey Mouse club house is on the bacround 17 hrs a day then so be it

Xx

Another one who was in your boat, you sound like your doing great.
One rainy day I thought I'd treat my toddler to a walk so he could jump in puddles, except he bolted. It took me a long time to get over that, I was useless as I'd had a c section and just couldn't catch up...thank god for members of the public!
I brought him a pack pack with a rein attached and lowered my expectations and it did calm by around 16 weeks I felt like I had it all together.

I just wanted to pick up on the reins bit, I never used them with my first but my god the little one needs them 😂 some days we use the little proper ones that are like a waistcoat but other days, when we won't entertain those 🙄 we have a backpack with a handle and a lead attached, I forget what brand but it's the main one that will come up on Google. I don't like it as much as the proper ones as I feel like she could escape it but she loves to wear her 'pack-pack' with an emergency nappy and the last few wipes in a pack in it 😂

Ahh I'd say I remember it well but to be honest it was all a blur!
It does get easier, I had a newborn when my eldest was 20months and it was hard. My todddler liked to get up at 5am. I was a wreck.
He also fell down the stairs...
I've always felt guilty that I didn't get out with them as much as I'd like (I didn't drive either and used to do the food shopping and lug it up a massive hill with a double buggy) but reading this I actually was doing ok. I wish I'd had MN 21 years ago.
You are doing fine

It’s essential. DS1 aged nearly 2 is there 4 days a week. He absolutely loves it, I get time with four week old DS2, we don’t all go actually insane.

OP this stage is so so hard. I am sending hugs. I found it the hardest bit of parenting, and I felt I was failing all the time. I wasn’t, it’s just hard! Glad you have the double buggy. Cafes are hard (annoying as I love cafes). Play dates are definitely the best especially over the winter, I also loved soft plays, or anything like that where the toddler could run around pretty safely (although we had lockdown which made things harder!) small gated playground also better than big jazzy ones for this stage!
I promise it won’t be like this for ever or even for very long! I now have a 4 and 6 yr old and they are best mates and play non stop with each other and life is really good - try to see these tough days as an investment in your future family- you’ve got siblings with a lovely close age gap and they’ll be each others best play mates very soon and you can put your feet up (a lot more than now, anyway!)

You sound like you’re doing really really well!

Gosh, I remember once watching my daughter fall down the stairs at 2yo, somehow she fell PAST me!? I felt awful but they soon forget ( takes us a little longer!)

I don’t have two/ two close together but I remember newborn times being hard so being at a cafe with them both is such an achievement. I don’t mean that to sound patronising btw, sorry if it does. I just so admire it.

My daughter’s friend’s mum ( we aren’t close but chat if we see each other) is amazing- she’s a single parent with a 9yo, 7yo, 2yo and newborn. I’d never say ‘ gosh how do you do it, you’re more on it than me and I have one 7yo’ because there’s something about that that sounds a little patronising to me? Maybe I’m being too conscious and she’d appreciate it. I do laugh to her though that on a couple of occasions Ive been rushing behind her to go and get my daughter and said ‘ why is it you’re there with 2 under 2 ( back then) on time, everyone civilised and I’m rushing - I need to sort myself out!’ Which we laughed at but I’ve disliked the odd sympathetic look she’s had of ‘ aw what a tough life you have, must be hard work, how do you do it?’ You can see she’s sick of it. Seems to me she keeps it simple, relaxed and low expectations and they’re all happy, thriving, fed and smiley.

Off on a tangent there but just wanted to say I really respect people with young children close together and I could hear the stress in your original post. So from a stranger- you’re doing fab and get yourself a big slice of cake. Think of the joy they’ll have being close together as siblings. Lots of fun ahead x