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Original poster

Coparenting with abusive ex

21 replies

Allbutone · 07/08/2023 20:16

Hi All,
So me and my ex separated two years ago, we've had absolutely no contact up until about a month ago. He called me from a new number to enquire about DS hospital appointment; His sister was the only person I would liaise in the family, which is where he got the information from.

He called me today asking if he could say hi to the kids ( he hasn't seen them in 4 weeks) I refused and said you'd be seeing them in the weekend so it's best to wait till then.

I messaged his sister last week to ask if they were coming to pick the kids up this weekend; normally she does the pick ups. She responded by saying that her brother has been working the past few weekends which is why the kids haven't been picked up.
Sorry for the confusion but what I'm asking is I'm I being unreasonable for not allowing him to speak to the kids over the phone? Or is it okay to create boundaries as I'm not use to co parenting with him directly.

Any feedback is appreciated Flowers

OP posts:
Original poster
Allbutone · 07/08/2023 20:41

Anyone 👀

OP posts:
BananaSlug · 07/08/2023 21:13

How old are they

Original poster
Allbutone · 07/08/2023 21:15

BananaSlug · 07/08/2023 21:13

How old are they

3 and 5

OP posts:

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Rathouse · 07/08/2023 21:17

Don't use the sister. Contact mediation and if he doesn't agree you can get a C100 and go through the courts.

Original poster
Allbutone · 07/08/2023 21:42

Rathouse · 07/08/2023 21:17

Don't use the sister. Contact mediation and if he doesn't agree you can get a C100 and go through the courts.

I feel like if I contact mediation it would cause problems for me.

OP posts:
BudgetBuster · 08/08/2023 16:17

Is there a reason you won't let him talk to the kids on the phone?

SD1978 · 08/08/2023 17:08

How regularly have they been seeing their dad? They haven't seen him for a month due to work, but you've had that info second hand from his sister. She does the pickups and drop offs. You don't want to go to mediation, and don't want him speaking to the kids if he doesn't see them. I guess the main question is why a iPhone call a week is such a bad thing? If the working arrangements were temporary

Crossinsomekindaline · 08/08/2023 17:27

Seems counter productive to limit contact as a punishment for limiting contact 🤔

Rathouse · 08/08/2023 17:45

I personally went down the court route. I think its best to set boundaries whilst the kids are young. Family mediation is the first step if both parties agree no need to go to the courts. Is the father of the kids reliable? Does he pay each month for his kids?

serene12 · 08/08/2023 17:50

Mediation is not recommended when there has been abuse in a relationship. It just gives the perpetrator further opportunities to control his victim.

Rathouse · 08/08/2023 17:58

@serene12 sorry I just know that's the only route I know in order to get the form to apply to the courts. OP is going to have to have contact at some point giving the kids ages if dad wants telephone contact. What do you suggest?

alargeoneforme · 08/08/2023 23:45

serene12 · 08/08/2023 17:50

Mediation is not recommended when there has been abuse in a relationship. It just gives the perpetrator further opportunities to control his victim.

Exactly this

Original poster
Allbutone · 09/08/2023 13:47

BudgetBuster · 08/08/2023 16:17

Is there a reason you won't let him talk to the kids on the phone?

Because he'll be seeing them on the weekends why call my phone without prior contact.
I don't want that to be normalised if that makes sense. I allow calls when we go abroad that's it!

OP posts:
Original poster
Allbutone · 09/08/2023 13:48

Crossinsomekindaline · 08/08/2023 17:27

Seems counter productive to limit contact as a punishment for limiting contact 🤔

I'm not limiting contact I'm trying to set boundaries. He will get use to calling me and asking to speak to the kids whenever he pleases.

OP posts:
BudgetBuster · 09/08/2023 13:48

Allbutone · 09/08/2023 13:47

Because he'll be seeing them on the weekends why call my phone without prior contact.
I don't want that to be normalised if that makes sense. I allow calls when we go abroad that's it!

Show quote history

So you are happy to never speak to your children when he is with them? Does he get them Friday to Sunday or what's the agreement?

ChiPawPrint · 09/08/2023 13:52

I've always been an advocate for children being allowed to talk to their other parent whenever they want. I don't think it would have done any harm letting him speak to them on the phone. It shows you are willing to promote a relationship which will go in your favour.

Original poster
Allbutone · 09/08/2023 13:53

SD1978 · 08/08/2023 17:08

How regularly have they been seeing their dad? They haven't seen him for a month due to work, but you've had that info second hand from his sister. She does the pickups and drop offs. You don't want to go to mediation, and don't want him speaking to the kids if he doesn't see them. I guess the main question is why a iPhone call a week is such a bad thing? If the working arrangements were temporary

They would see their dad every two weeks.
There is no arrangement set in place.
He did call me a few weeks ago to say he will be coming to pick the kids up for the weekend and he didn't show up. No contact! Which is why I contacted the sister a few weeks later and she told me that he started working weekends all of a sudden. Normally he doesn't, I found it quite odd how he failed to mention that over the phone.
Hope it makes a little bit more sense.

OP posts:
MolkosTeenageAngst · 09/08/2023 13:56

If he wants to phone the children I would only agree to them at a specific time, for example every Wednesday at 5pm or only on a Saturday where he would usually be seeing the kids at 2pm. Obviously you should choose a time that works for him as well as you and the kids but would make it clear you will only accept a phone call from him at this time and that if he regularly misses the phonecalls you won’t continue to accept them. I wouldn’t agree to adhoc phonecalls if you don’t trust him not to take advantage of this by calling you whenever he wants.

uuughhhshsh · 09/08/2023 14:00

I think the OP is worried that allowing a phone call would result in a slippery slope whereby he expects to call and speak to them at all hours, without pre-arrangement, whenever he pleases and regardless of what plans OP has in advance. Is that correct?

If he has a history of abuse and control, to the extent that OP was completely NC with him for 2 years and all contact was facilitated by a 3rd party, I absolutely wouldn’t allow this. It will be a slippery slope and result in him trying to regain control.

Tell him if he wants a phonecall with the DC in between visitation, it can be arranged on a formal basis at a mutually convenient time, i.e. every Tuesday at 4pm. Agree that he can call at that time and it will be answered and he can speak to the DC. If he doesn’t bother to call at that time and misses it the slot, tough tits.

uuughhhshsh · 09/08/2023 14:01

Snap @MolkosTeenageAngst !

ChiPawPrint · 09/08/2023 14:05

Arranging times for phone calls is a good idea.

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