4th child?

[HB2022]

Hey Everyone,

I am on a career break and have 3 wonderful children all under 5 and would love a 4th child. I always knew I wanted 4 children quite close together and although there are times I think 3 is plenty, I still think about having another baby. I worry if I decide to stick with 3 I would always wonder what the 4th child would’ve been like. My husband on the other hand doesn’t want anymore. I was always transparent with him before marriage about wanting a big family but also get why he’s against it -

1. Time is spread thinner with each child. This is my major reason as I adore my kids.
2. Pregnancy is special but also tough and puts pressure on running after young children. I’ve had healthy births but suffered nausea throughout and then back pain at the end of my last pregnancy.
3. Financially we are fine and our house is big but cost of living is crazy at the minute and my husband works a lot.
4. Less time as a couple and time to do sport.

Do children benefit more from more siblings or more time and support from parents??? Is it just my hormones talking and will this feeling go away? Is it selfish of me to try and convince my husband into having another? I do think men in general feel differently about kids.

Any kind thoughts are very welcome.
Thanks in advance.

I’m sorry to say that if your husband doesn’t want a 4th, I think you need to respect him and stick to 3. Just as I’d expect it to be the same were he to want a 4th and you not.

As the children get older you’ll find your time stretched very thin. Larger families I know have to limit after school activities as they can’t drag a baby out to collect from football at 8pm, nor can children go to all the birthday parties or play dates.

Once you add school runs, nursery drops, after school sport, swimming etc into the mix it becomes a real challenge.

You have 3 healthy and happy children, you’ve had 3 good pregnancies, personally I’d be thankful for that and leave it there. As a one income household as well

I understand the feelings here. I think you know rationally three would be better to stick with. Another thing to consider is that so far you've been lucky with your children but each birth is a roll of the dice and you could get a child who you love very much but also makes your family life a lot more difficult for any number of reasons.

I thought the research showed that after two kids the children benefit a bit less with each additional child. It makes sense because, as you said, the parents time and attention can only go so far.

From your OP, tbh reading what you say it sounds like the reason you'd be doing it is to meet your needs rather than everyone else's and I'm not sure it would benefit the family as a whole. Also your DH doesn't want another.

In your shoes I'd be very grateful to have three happy healthy children, a big house and a husband who works, and I'd be working on enjoying it and living in the present rather than "what if". All sorts of things might not be as you imagined with a 4th - pregnancy not to smooth, birth traumatic, child with needs, etc etc, which could completely risk the harmony in your family you've enjoyed.

I think it's about perception and how you choose to look at your situation in life. I thought of this which I just read in an article today:

...an insight from the Buddhists, past a certain point – if your needs are satisfied and you have love, projects, safety, fun – the route to making things feel better is not in fiddling with the external environment. It’s in fiddling with how you react to it.

I have 4 and as much as I love them and my youngest (now 13) is amazing in hindsight I wish I would have stopped at 2 or 3.

It makes everything so difficult having 4. Everything is designed for families of 2.2

Occasionally 2.3 but 4 kids is honestly just a pain in the bum. Cars, holidays, trips, uniform.

I would say enjoy the 3 you have.

And I very often feel I can't give them enough individual attention

Thank you for all your advice. I honestly thought 4 children would be the dream (for us) but the challenges of 3 has took me by surprise. It’s not the children themselves but all the work that comes with it. It’s a hard thing for me to accept stopping now as I thought a larger family was always on the cards. I feel so sad. Plus it’s an odd number and there’s that theory about 1 feeling left out. I grew up in a big family and enjoyed the buzz but on reflection there were challenges too. I know a family who recently had their 7th child and their kids all seem so happy and loved. The parents are more attentive to their kids and that’s how we strive to be. I’m just surprised at how much people are more in favour of smaller families. I was starting to think people who know me felt I was not capable of having more but see this response online too so at least that’s reassuring. I’ll stop rambling on. Thanks again for taking the time to respond to my message.

When I said more attentive, I was comparing to my parents. We make a consistent effort of having play time with our kids everyday.

We had four in seven years and it was very hard. Not helped by having to work around each other, me working nights and weekends it was exhausting and I don't have many happy memories of when my children were young and that makes me sad. Having said that they have all turned out ok, we have managed to give them everything they need so far, they all got to all their after school activities even though it was manic. It is very expensive, they are now all late teens/ early twenties and we are struggling through the expensive Uni years. We will never be able to help them as much as I'd like with house deposits etc. but then many with less children can't either.
If I had my time again I would stop at 2 or 3.

I agree with the above.

I can't provide for them as well.

I often think if I had 2 they would have their own rooms, better holidays, double the savings, less competition for attention.

I have three and would like another, I feel you! I’m 41 and know it’s now or never (if it still can even happen) and I know realistically I probably won’t have more. It’s hard though!

I have two boys (16 and 8) and a daughter (10). If I could guarantee a girl that would be a bonus because I always wanted two of each, so everyone can have a brother and a sister. But you can’t really have them to order I suppose!

In my case it’s a bit different because they are so spread out…our oldest was an only child until he was 6 and got plenty of time with just us, and even now gets to do special or different things as a teenager. Just little things like staying up late with me and watching shows that the little two aren’t allowed to watch, etc. My middle girl has special time with me because she’s into some “girly” things that the boys don’t like, and the youngest is the spoilt rotten baby of the crew. (That’s honestly another reason to have #4 for me, to take #3 down a peg or two!)

But having them so spread out is a downside too, because I got pregnant with my oldest at 24. If I have a baby soon, I’ll be 60 at the youngest by the time the baby would possibly fly the nest, so that’s 36 straight years of life I’d be pregnant or raising kids at home. That feels like a lot!

For what it’s worth, I have a few friends who both have 5+ and they’ve told me that three is the hardest it gets. Once you’ve adjusted to being outnumbered, you could have ten and it wouldn’t necessarily be HARDER, just more expensive.

So all of that is to say a lot of nothing other than I know how you feel!

Stick to your 3 DC. All your kids are under 5 too.

Do children benefit more from more siblings or more time and support from parents??? - Depends what the siblings and parents are like. A toxic parent or sibling is worse than none at all. But, your next DC might be the missing piece.

Is it just my hormones talking - I don’t think so. I think women are logical even with hormones.

and will this feeling go away? Yes, if you don’t have another DC, you’ll eventually get over it

Is it selfish of me to try and convince my husband into having another? No, it’s not selfish as long as there’s no pressure or ultimatum. Giving him the pros and cons might help him consider things he hasn’t thought about.

Good luck OP, you sound like you’ve got a wonderful family

I think kids benefit more from parental time and support. Your resources will be spread thinner with each child, emotionally, financially, etc. you mention your husband working more as well, that’s not fair. Be happy with what you have

I am 1 of 4
I am the second child and my mum had 4 in 6 years. The 4th child (my youngest brother) has additional needs which really impacted our childhood. He spent a lot of time in hospital for surgeries etc.
I love my siblings with all my heart and we are all close now. but I've stuck with 2 children because I want them to remember time with me.
I don't remember my parents ever spending time playing with us either as a group, or as individuals. We didn't ever get 1:1 time.

Additionally, I always remember being aware money was tight as there was so many of us. We always knew not to ask for money for the ice cream van (just an example!) even though all our neighbours kids did.

I have 3, youngest being 11 months old.
A lovely older lady I know asked me recently if we would try for baby number 4. She herself had 5 grown up children so it wasnt a funny question that seems to get thrown at people with more than two children!
Anyway she said to me that the feeling to have another baby never went for her. She always felt like she wanted another!!
That was enough confirmation for me that I think I am just one of those people... I love babies and I would have another if I could. However like you my last pregnancy wasn't so great, I'm getting older, kids are getting older, things are very expensive, my attention is spread thin...
DH actually got a vasectomy this week. I have had pangs of sadness since but I know that it is 100% the right decision.

I suppose you have to ask yourself if wanting 4 children because you have always wanted 4 children a good enough reason to have another? And what happens if after 4 you start wanting a 5?

I feel for you though, the feeling of something missing can be intense

I’m not sure of your age, but I had 3 children under 5, and then had a good gap before number 4. It has been awesome. I have truly cherished all the stages again and it has been so much easier than the 3 under 5 was. I wouldn’t have wanted to just add extra to the chaos. I definitely don’t always get enough individual time with each child, but I also have to work, which impacts things. I disagree about comments re the children missing out. 2 of my older 3 kids are in elite sport, and the other does multiple activities he enjoys. We have never had to decline a birthday party, but do sometimes call on the village (I.e other parents) to take one of them to an activity. That’s fine though, they call on us too!

I had 5, first was stillborn, I went on to have 4 more children, I had the first two a year apart, then the next two 5 & 6 years later (same dad, I had implants after first two and it took ages to wear off, I would have had DC3 and DC4 a bit earlier if I could have. First 3 pregnancies easy enough, Both of the last two had a 1:4 chance of downs. Both OK after amnio. Last one difficult, ended up in hospital a lot for last 4 weeks (I had good support but it is really hard on OH and others) before born at 37 weeks (too soon, but no choice). Last baby was hardest, colic for around 10 weeks, whilst simultaneously looking after 3 children, probably made me think I was never having another baby again. So, the downsides (other than the unknown you face) : Sold my car (perfectly OK for 3 kids) but not for 4. Realised that we were double price on every holiday (two rooms always required - to be fair this happens to families of 5 also). Hard to keep up with looking after four young children, when holding down jobs, teenage years are worse, it takes two committed parents to do this. Jesus, the arguing, the noise, the stress, the perceived "unfairness" caused by a sibling, the inability to "man mark them". The upsides: Now, ours mainly get on, they take a some comfort from each other, socialise together now etc. and we did enjoy family and holiday time when they were younger (even if we were like the Clampetts at times) It does develop a certain resilience in them, and they knew we could not afford to have the latest iphone etc. We laugh a lot at family disasters. Clearly, I would not change a thing, but I've been lucky and it's been hard work, and that is with "retrospect". I am not sure how it would have panned out if we had more bumps in the road. I hope you the best in whatever you decide xx

Thank you all for taking the time to respond and it was so great insight to read all your different circumstances. Your thoughts have helped me immensely.
CheerfulYank, thanks for relating to me and I hope you’re able to make your decision with clarity. I have the same as you - boy, girl, boy. I get your thoughts about a sister for your daughter. It’s crossed my mind too. Then I also think she has a special identity being the only girl instead of being labelled ‘the middle child’.
Newandconfused, I felt emotional reading your message as you get the intense feeling I’m having (I wish I could switch it off and purely focus on the amazing children I have. Also, my husband is keen to have a vasectomy too. I’m sure that felt so final but great you decided rationally, what was best for your family. It’s true that some people just love babies and that’s me. I just hope this intense feeling at least diminishes over time. I’m envious of women who sound so sure of having no more.
4timesthefun, I’m 33 so if we did decide to have another I would leave the gap for around 3 years. But of course over 35 isn’t ideal. We did conceive very quickly before and keep healthy and active (within reason 🤣).

Exactly @HB2022 …I feel with the way it is now, they all have their special identity. Oldest, only girl, spoilt baby 🤣 Still, my DD often says (with all the drama one can expect from a ten year old girl) that ALL she wants in the WORLD is a SISTER!

I would love another honestly, but at least with the three I have now I know I’ll at least have peace over not having anymore. If I’d been “done” after either of my first two, I know I’d be playing “what if” forever. During my pregnancy with #3 (and every day since I suppose), I was always aware that he would probably be my littlest, so I’ve tried to really keep that in mind to remember and cherish all of my last “first moments”.

I can’t see from your post the ages of your children, but if you are still in the first 12-18 months of 3 under 5, I’d probably put a pause on the conversation or you might find your husband digs in and books the vasectomy. I found it hard going at that stage and no one could have convinced me or my husband to have another. He may have performed his own vasectomy if I kept suggesting a fourth then. Fast forward another year or so, and things were a little calmer. It was a lot easier than to see the way with four! You have time on your side if you are only 33.

Your husband, doesn’t want a fourth, they don’t get much attention, it’s harder financially and it’s fucking terrible for the environment.

I am one of 5 and though we all had sone great times growing up, we've never been really close.
I have 3 and there's a two year gap between all if them. They do argue a lot now (13,11,9) but generally get on OK.
My ds (9) has often asked for a baby brother when he gets fed up of the girls.

Personally, I couldn't. 3 is plenty and I'd have to buy a big new car if I had another.

I wouldn't push your husband. I think it's easy to forget how stressful it is for them as well often being the sole breadwinner. He may be one resentful if he feels it's not his decision as well.

3 is more than enough

My advice is to stop at three. Four is a game changer! Your husband doesn't want another child, so no matter what everyone on this site advises you, it is his thoughts on the subject that you need to consider (as well as our own). You'll be limited in the cars you can drive, no hotel has a room for 6, staying over or even visiting family and friends houses becomes difficult, keeping tabs on four small children whilst out and about is a full time job and many members of the public still feel that they have the right to comment when hey see you out and about with four little ones (not always very polite either and hurtful especially when you're feeling tired). Whilst having lots of siblings can be wonderful, your children already have siblings, so one more won't make a huge positive impact on them - if anything you'll be more tired and find yourself struggling to meet all their needs. Also, remember that eventually they'll be teenagers and you'll have to do four runs of GCSEs and Alevels!