EBF newborn and toddler - this is hell!

[Thenewone]

No local family and DH out at work 8-6. DC1 is 3 next month and DC2 is 4 weeks. Every day is like Groundhog Day. Newborn won’t nap for much more than 30 minutes at time unless in arms with boob in mouth. If in basket needs dummy inserting every 10 minutes and if out the house needs constant movement. Can’t hold the baby for hours, drag the toddler out ten times a day or be constantly on dummy duty so baby often ends up an overtired mess. Wants to breastfeed for half an hour plus every 1-1.5 hours. Fights being in the sling within 10 minutes in doors, but is happy enough in it outside. Toddler goes to nursery 2 days a week. DC2 has witching hour right at pick up so I’m regularly carrying or pushing a rooting, screaming baby to pick up. Toddler is averaging multiple hours of TV a day and is massively playing up, refusing food, the park and bedtime. Never had tantrums until DC2 came along…

This is utter hell. One of us is always in tears. I’m wondering if switching to formula might help a bit, to both give a bit more structure and to stretch out feeds a bit? I’m not religious about BF at all, I tolerated it at best first time round and I’m going back to work at 9 months so could do with baby being on the bottle anyway.

Please help!! Any other suggestions gratefully received!

All i can really offer is that it gets better and you do what you need to to get through this bit! I had my first 3 (i have 9) in under 3 yrs and i vividly remember breastfeeding sitting on the toilet whilst trying to bath the older 2! I also remember crying hopelessly down the phone when DH went back to work when 3rd was 4 days old and saying "i can't do this!". You can! You got this!! Tv, books, playdo, whatever it takes! A bath for the older one during the day can occupy them for a good 30 mins whilst you just sit and hold the baby.

OP, if you want to switch, give it a go. It's not worth the tears. You've got to do what you've got to do.

The early days are fucking relentless at times. I promise it'll get easier ❤️

Have you had a go at bf in the sling OP? It was a lifesaver for me when I had 2 under 2. Plus training the toddler to sit and watch a whole Disney film.

Hang in there, things will get easier. You’re in the worst bit right now.

You are right in the thick of it at the moment, it will get better!
That said, it's absolutely OK to switch to bottles if you want to (but you know that, you don't need our permission!)
My DD is 2.5 and DS nearly 5 months and I feel like we're finally getting out of that phase... She's got used to him, he's going longer between feeds, much better overall!

Of course it's worth trying a couple of bottles a day. I found bf much more convenient in many situations, so I wouldn't have wanted to give up altogether, but with two of mine I used formula in the evenings when I was "touched out" and just needed to get a feed done in less than 40 minutes!

Because I was only doing one or two bottles a day I used the (expensive) premixed cartons/bottles of formula, because introducing a whole tonne of formula admin seemed a bit counterproductive.

Can you add more nursery days for eldest? DC1 was doing 3 days when I had DC2 and it really helped.

I tended to have DC2 in a sling most of the time and spent most of the time outdoors with DC1 - actually not much change to our usual routines, just with extra weight for me to carry. We did lots of structured preschool classes so although I was there, I didn't have to think up things to do. There are probably drop off classes for 3 year olds too, like football and art.

Multiple hours of TV is fine at this stage. It won't last long! Tantrums are pretty normal to - it's a huge transition.

Sounds like totally normal (but hugely inconvenient) newborn behaviour. With your first, you could stay at home and watch TV with the stuck to the boob. Your 2nd would love the same! But can't have it. Seconding PP - have you tried feeding in the sling? That can be an absolute life saver, but it definitely took mine more than 4 weeks to get it in afraid. Will dummy while I'm the carrier buy you time? Otherwise, can you call in any favours to avoid school run for the next week or two? Everything will get easier soon, especially feeding/fussiness.

Will DC2 settle in the sling indoors if you pace? I couldn't stand still with mine, but if I kept walking..... eldest would happily charter to me feeling she had my attention while I madly walked up and down the room for half an hour. I lost the baby weight fast!

Take toddler out to baby/toddler groups as much as humanly possible. They will have a great time while you are stuck with baby on you.

Thank you all so much for your lovely responses. I feel so much better just admitting how overwhelming it is. I have to say I didn’t particularly enjoy the newborn stage with DC1 and everyone said it’d fly by this time - total lies!

@Yourebeingtooloud @TinyTeacher I haven’t actually tried feeding in the sling. I love our stretchy sling but haven’t figured out how to manoeuvre it to get DC2 into position. Have a tula explore and I’ve seen videos online but I feel like DC2 is a little small for that currently. I’ve been looking at ring slings (happy to throw money at the problem 😁) as consensus seems to be these are best for feeding tinies in?

@Hopelessacademic I’m clinging on to 6 months being a turning point - I enjoyed DC1 exponentially more from 6 months onwards he also was a nap refuser until this point!

@Dragonwindow I’m convinced. Which feeds would you do as formula? Currently DC2 cluster feeds from 5pm until 9pm ish, then sleeps until 1 or 2 (thank god!) then clusters again until 5am. I’m not down with combo feeding at all so any advice appreciated. Would you do a bottle feed at 1/2am?

@destinyroad i do need to just suck it up and get out more. I’ve been so anxious about DC2 waking up in the sling and screaming for boob when DC1 is half way up a climbing frame or something! I was very responsive to DC1 as a a baby and I feel sorry that poor DC2 is regularly crying to have his needs met and I’m ignoring him!

Honestly, I just did it when I couldn't face another breastfeed! Usually bathtime ish? I was a bit careful to make sure I didn't leave more than 4/5 hrs between each bf though, partly because of supply, and also because my boobs would be uncomfortable by then anyway.

I fed in the stretchy sling. It did take some practice though. It was the only way a could get a calm bedtime story for my eldest with all the cluster feeding! You wrap them as normal but sort of lean them sideways a bit and steady with your upper arm of necessary. It's a bit awkward until you both get the hang of it.

Occasional bottle - I did this with my twins and it was very useful. We didn't do a particular fixed time, just whenever someone that wasn't me was free!!!! I farmed out a baby to feed to virtual strangers in the early weeks 😂 I hated doing a bottle at night though, I found that a real faff - by the time baby was crying, I warmed bottle and ran back upstairs.... the crying had escalated, at risk of waking my eldest. Try it and see if it works for you, but personally I favoured doing the bottle in the afternoon. Maybe might knock yours out for school run if they have a full tummy?

Good luck OP. It does get better, really quite quickly. We're bad enough to now be expecting number 4 - wouldn't do that if it stayed that hard for long!

@urghhh47 you fill me with awe! 9 children 😩

I'm not convinced bottle feeding formula is going to actually be any easier given you will have to prep and sterilise. I assume you're already baby wearing? Can you increase toddlers nursery time?

Can
You put the older one in nursery at all? Or get a babysitter to help?

I switched- best thing for all of us. More settled baby and a happier toddler. I felt like I could handle the days and nights much better as well

This weekend and today have been atrocious. I know it’s my fault. DC1 is naturally quite a demanding, but gregarious and funny child and I indulged him and played with him and took him out to places on my off days. We were proper little buddies and he’s massively more attached to me than my DH. He has basically been screaming for 72 hours straight because he’s heard ‘no’ and ‘you have to wait’ and ‘mummy is feeding the baby’ every ten seconds. Baby still wants to feed every hour and will still only nap for 30 minutes at a time unless boob is in mouth and still won’t tolerate being in the sling indoors. DH has just given him a bottle of formula and finally nobody is crying. I feel I’m at a crossroads of either quitting breastfeeding or putting DC1 in childcare full time. I so regret this and feel I am wrecking both my DC 😪

@Thenewone how are things now?

Thanks for asking.

Its a little better but still pretty awful. We persevered with the formula with the plan of switching eventually to EFF. But then baby rejected the bottle at about 9 weeks and so we are back to EBF. To be honest, breastfeeding isn’t really an issue now. It’s quite handy out and about. Although I hate that it’s all on me and I dread breastfeeding dragging on for ages.

Baby is still fussy though and generally quite high maintenance. Wants to be held upright all the time or forward facing in the sling. Hates being down on the floor and gets very easily frustrated. Still only will nap on the move and still hates being in the sling inside. Still cries when awake in the pram. Thankfully loves stimulation so we do now get out a lot to play groups etc. Hes not an easy baby though.

My eldest is in pre school 3 days now and actually he’s been a lot easier at least.

I can’t wait to go back to work.

Had my mum telling me today I was useless as well for not being able to put the baby down for a nap. Quite frankly though I just don’t have the energy to fight through half an hour of screaming for a twenty minute nap 😢

It sounds like it's going in the right direction at least! My DD is the same re refusing bottles/wants to be carried all the time. I only have the one so I can't imagine how hard it must be with an older child.

It's shit when you're in the thick of it and someone give a helpful comment like 'just put them down to nap' .. ermmm doesn't quite work that way! I agree with going path of least resistance.

I'm sure you'll look back on these days and wonder how you did it. You're doing great even though it probably feels rubbish.

The thing that got me through with a very fussy baby who was incredibly resistant to naps was lying down and napping with him in my bed. I'd never try to sleep, I'd just lie down to feed him, and put a podcast on, and before I knew it.....

(I did always have to have an alarm set for nursery pick-up though!)