Toddler tantrums

[threeisacharm18]

My 22 month old has been having tantrums since age one. They always happen when they have been told they can't have something or they refuse to share toys. They will snatch toys from their other siblings. Dc will scream - like ear splitting screams. You can't hear anything or anyone over the screaming.

You cannot distract them from the thing they want - no bait and switching works. You cannot hold them, talk to them etc. all the usual things you're supposed to do to help a child calm down. None of it works.

Dc is very determined which I'm sure will be great in later life but not so much now.

As DC has gotten older the tantrums have gotten worse. For my own sanity I put them in their cot and close the door until they calm down which usually takes about 15 minutes.
Today at 1.30 they had a nightmare so I went in and offered comfort but when I left the room it was full on melt down. They share a room with a 1 year old sibling so the screening woke that child up. I managed calm them both down with a warm bottle of milk. 2 hours later dc was at it again. I went in did some soothing but again they screamed the house down. It's 4am and dc has given up screaming.

Does anyone have any suggestions to get through this?

Is there only a 10 month age gap between them and their younger sibling?

Can you bring them into bed with you? They may be scared, or in discomfort or pain, and are communicating this the only way they know how? Physical comfort may help?

I am no expert, my 21 month old tantrums when I hold boundaries and I don’t think you can calm them down, I just stay with her, make sure she’s not going to get physically hurt, let her know I’m there if she needs me or needs a hug and wait for her to calm herself down, I think it’s how they learn to regulate their emotions? It’s hard though because the noise of screaming is awful. I’ve heard as they get older modelling how you deal with your own feelings of anger, frustration, disappointment etc in an appropriate way may help.

Otherwise maybe GP appointment in case they have an ear infection or something and are in pain?

Thank you for the reply. I don't want to get into the habit of bringing children to bed. I have this issue with my oldest and I don't want to go do it again with another child.

I personally wouldn’t put them in their cot and shut the door if they’re having a tantrum in the day time.

Two reasons - firstly you’re expecting a 1 year old to cope with all their emotions by themselves because you can’t handle it. If you can’t handle it, they are definitely not equipped to. And the message you’re giving is that you only want them around if they’re happy.

Second and more relevant reason - they are going to associate being in the cot with being awake and screaming rather than quiet time and happily sleeping. So being in the cot at night is going to seem like a punishment and might be quite upsetting if they are often upset when they’re in it. Could explain the nighttime screaming.

If you need to put them somewhere separate in the day, could you put a playpen or something downstairs instead?

Children make us feel how they are feeling, you feel out of control and don't know how to help them, your child feels out of control and doesn't know how to self regulate.

You are framing this as something they are doing on purpose to you, that view needs to change as you will become resentful and they are too young to be manipulative they are learning to behave in the world.

Being left alone does nothing to help your child learn to self regulate other than to tell them they are on their own with their big feelings. Ofcourse you should put them in their safe space if you feel yourself getting angry and when you become a risk to them but it shouldn't be done all the time.

Screaming is awful so get some noise cancelling headphones or earplugs to reduce your own sensory overload.
Learn their triggers, is the behaviour linked to time of day, hunger, transition, interacting with other children? Once you know the triggers preempt the behaviour and head it off before it happens by meeting the need.

If your child can clap you can start teaching sign language this is very effective and reduces the child's frustration in not being able to communicate massively. My DD was able to communicate in signed sentences long before she could talk in them.

At one your child won't be sharing for many years yet and snatching is normal and nothing to do with them being stubborn.

If your child is waking up screaming then it's far more likely to be an ear infection or teething than anything.

A meltdown is not a temper tantrum, a meltdown is a set of behaviours linked to disability caused by being overwhelmed often by sensory input, lack of communication skills and emotional dysregulating that extends beyond the normal developmental 'tantrummy' *years.

I am aware dc is struggling to regulate their emotions. I fully understand why it's happening. I work full time and have 2 other children. I cannot dedicate all my time to one child having a melt down and giving in to them. I already have issues with my oldest being jealous of the lack of attention. All my kids are under 5.

I don't put dc in their cot every time. I've probably done it 3 times in the entire 9/10 months this has been going on. Most of the time sadly I do have to give in so I can spread my attention evenly between the kids.

I cannot see any visible illness or crabbiness at any other time. D.C. is generally a happy child, except when you don't give them what they want

OP if you were upset but your partner locked you in a room and wouldn’t acknowledge you until you ‘calmed down’ how would that make you feel? I imagine not great. Well it’s exactly the same for your 22 month old, except his/her brain is only developed a fraction of what yours is and it’s physically impossible to ‘calm down’. They cannot self regulate at this age. Nor do they understand sharing.

whilst I’m not saying treat them like a newborn baby, you also shouldn’t be expecting them to behave and regulate like a grown adult.

model the behaviour you want to see

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